2.    Confidence Booster: Fakin’ Till It’s Real

3.    Taking Control of Your Body: Travel Fitness tips - Joan Price

4.    Good Health Empowerment: Easing Muscle and Other Pain

5.    Communication Empowerment: Listening Is Key to Personal Power - Isabel L. Kersen, PhD

6.    Healthy Relationship Empowerment: Staying off Romantic Rides

7.    “I Love Me” Tip

8.     Spiritual Growth Booster: Interview with Louise Hay

9.     Ask Daylle: Question from a reader

10. Self-Empowerment Success Stories

-----

1. HAPPINESS EMPOWERMENT  

Finding Happy

Everybody wants to be happy, right? It seems obvious, yet true happiness is elusive to many of us. Beliefs about what makes you happy often don’t sustain long term happiness when you get it. What would make you happy? More money? An *appropriate* romantic partner? A fancy car? Power? Fame? It doesn’t work like that. Happiness is from within, not from external stuff.  

Many people make happiness elusive by pursuing what they think will make them happy. It comes a lot easier if you focus on being content with your life in general, rather than waiting for something specific. Yes, things make you happy – for a moment. You get a raise and you’re happy. But, then you want more and it strips the pleasure. A new car gets old. Lost weight is great but pressure to maintain it often zaps happiness. Computers get obsolete fast.  

It’s hard to keep your perspective on how to actually feel happy if you’re chasing a career, romantic partners, possessions, a great body, and anything else that you’re told will make you happy. These days young people set such high standards that many are never happy, even with high grades and trendy possessions. Maybe if manufacturers programmed “consciously be happy” into a Palm Pilot or other gadget, they’d remember. I’m being facetious of course, but it troubles me that so many people don’t experience real happiness.  

There’s a big difference between feeling revved from outside factors  [achieving something - approval from someone - attracting romantic attention - losing weight – acquiring material wealth, etc.] and feeling happy just because you’re content inside. In this newsletter I’ll guide you to nurturing factors that can bring you the contented kind of happiness. 

Happiness is empowering because it motivates you to take care of yourself. External satisfaction is a more superficial, fleeting bits of happiness that keeps you needing more. Are you waiting for the “right pieces” to be in place to be happy? As you get more, you often need more. That keeps happiness on the horizon but out of your grasp. Make happiness an operative word for every day, not a future goal. Give yourself the greatest gift. Why wait for a birthday or holiday? Every day is a special occasion if you choose to make it so. Since I began practicing self-love, I’m usually happy. You can be too, with self-love! Show yourself love with some of the tips below.    

2. CONFIDENCE BOOSTER

There will be a confidence booster in each issue. Confidence is a big key to getting what you desire. Nobody is born with good self-confidence. We all have insecurities. Some people grew up in an environment that boosted their self-esteem and nurtured confidence. More didn’t.  

Fakin’ Till It’s Real

I struggled for decades to feel confident about me. And while I feel very good now, and believe in me with all my heart, I’m not always as confident as I’d like to be. Few people are. But, in situations where the “insecure Daylle” surfaces, I still exude confidence to those who see me while inside I’m sweatin’. I especially hate being in a large group of people that I don’t know. Many people aren’t comfortable with that. But I use the technique I swear by – Fake it till it's real. 

Rene Descartes said, “I think therefore I am.” When you live as the person you want to be, you practice until it becomes that person for real. Warning – that applies to negative behavior too! If you think you’re a loser, that thought is reinforced. You can read many self-help books and wonder why you haven’t changed. It’s because your current view of yourself hasn’t. Visualization is a good technique for manifesting goodies. Thinking of yourself as a confident, able, great person is like visualization in action. “I think therefore I am.” It really helps to boost confidence. 

Doing something over and over creates a habit. You can develop one of feeling more confident. Pretend you’re the most competent, attractive, smartest, strongest individual in the universe. Laugh inside but practice acting. Keep working the persona you create until it fits. This may sound silly but it works! I'm often scared to death when I appear confident. My first TV appearance terrified me. But I looked in the mirror and affirmed I’d be fine. Taking deep breaths helped me act confident while shaking inside. People don’t pay nearly as much attention to you as you think, so it’s easy to hide insecurity behind a facade of confidence. The fun part comes when you realize that you're no longer faking! Now I believe what I used to fake. You can too!  

3. TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR BODY

Taking care of your body is a gift of love to you. Being healthy makes you feel better. This doesn’t mean striving for a perfect body or impressing a romantic partner. Create better nutritional habits, take vitamins/supplements and exercise for YOU. In every issue I’ll include advice in this section to help you keep your body healthy. I’ll discuss an alternative way to feel better in the next section. When you focus on being healthy, you give yourself love! 

Getting your body into shape is the hardest form of control for many of us. When you’re out of shape, it’s hard to break unhealthy habits. There are so many things you can do to shape up. Having no time is no excuse. I’m the queen of wishing for 48-hour days. My life is time-deprived. But health is a major priority! There are ways to fit exercise into your lifestyle.   

I asked my friend Joan Price, fitness expert extraordinaire, if I could reprint an excerpt of her fantastic book, The Anytime, Anywhere Exercise Book. It’s full of all sorts of ways that busy people can fit exercise into their lifestyle. We all have nooks and crannies of time. Joan shows how to use them wisely. I do squats and other things while brushing my teeth! J There’s no excuse for not making at least some effort to be fit. Something is better than nothing is.    

Travel Fitness tips

By Joan Price

© 2003 by Joan Price, may not be reprinted without permission

Air travel is full of stress, especially the "hurry-up-and-wait" kind. You can use the waiting time in an airport to de-stress and energize instead of sitting around like a lounge potato, however.  Even in the airplane, you can do some stretches and strengtheners. If you choose opportunities to be active in the airport and find ways to move during your flight, you'll arrive feeling healthier and much more energized and relaxed. And the waiting time will go faster!  

Prepare, Phone, and Pack

          Before you even leave your house, you can take these steps to make sure your fitness program is your traveling companion.

·          Prepare by determining which fitness activities you can do in the airport, in a new city, and in a hotel room. Choose activities from this book and others that you really enjoy. Figure out what clothing, gear, and shoes you need to take with you.  

·         Phone the hotel where you will be staying. Ask whether it has a gym or pool, or arrangements with a health club nearby, if this appeals to you. Ask about nearby parks, hiking trails, tennis courts, or whatever interests you.

·         Pack the clothing and lightweight equipment (like a jump rope or Dyna-Bands) you'll need for your activities. Choose clothing that you can wash easily in the sink and that dries quickly, like nylon. Plan to wear your athletic shoes traveling, or pack them in your carry-on bag so you can walk the airport. If you have to wear business clothes traveling, invest in a pair of dress/walking shoes that look like dress shoes but feel like walking shoes. Don't  forget sunblock for outdoor activities.  

Terminal Workout.  Instead of sitting around trying to make the newspaper last until boarding time, power walk the terminal. Walk as fast as possible. If you find any stairs, walk up and down them. You'll have plenty of time to sit after you board the plane, so why do more of it than you have to? And you'll feel much better during your flight if you exercise right beforehand.  

Move Your Own Body.  Avoid the "people movers," those moving belts like flat escalators. You'll spend enough time not moving--don't settle for even more. Instead, walk on your own two feet. If your luggage is heavy, rent a cart and push it--even more exercise!   

Aisle Aerobics. Too much sitting in a cramped airplane seat feels awful. Worse, it can lead to the rare but potentially deadly travel-related thrombosis, where blood clots form that can--in rare and extreme cases--travel to your heart, lungs, or brain. You've got to get your circulation going while on board the plane, so get out of your seat and take frequent trips to the rest room and the magazine rack. While you're in the aisle, do a subtle jog (sort of like a bouncing walk) and make the foray last as long as possible. 

Muscle Releases:  Tighten and relax tight muscles for 60 seconds each. For example:

·         Thigh: Extend your leg and contract and release the quadriceps muscles.

·          Abdominals: Sit up straight and inhale, lifting the rib cage. Exhale into a crunch, contracting the abs.

·         Chest and back: Wrap your arms around yourself as if you were giving yourself a well-deserved hug. Walk your fingers toward your shoulder blades. Pull your shoulder blades as you curl forward, tightening the chest and stretching the back. Then reverse by rolling your shoulders back, squeezing your elbows together behind you.

·         Face: Open your face wide--wide eyes, wide jaw--then scrunch it tight. Caution: Only the least inhibited should do this one in public in a well-lighted place! You might want to save this for the bathroom stall. 

Of course, if you've got more than a minute to spare--and you will, if you're flying--you can keep on tightening and releasing different muscle groups. Five minutes will make you feel like a new person.  

4. GOOD HEALTH EMPOWERMENT

We can do many things to improve our health. I strongly believe in complementary medicine – using both traditional and alternative treatments. In each issue I’ll include an alternative solution to a physical problem. Doing something to alleviate a physical problem increases happiness.    

Easing Muscle and Other Pain

I’m a walk-a-holic and usually get around NYC on foot, which puts a lot of stress on my feet and legs. A few years ago I got a nagging pain in the middle of my foot. Friends teased that I wore out my feet and should slow down. A doc recommended getting specially made inserts for my shoes for proper support. I agreed to think about it and suffered for another year.  

Then a friend saw a less traditional doc who said that foot pain is often caused by tight hamstring muscles. She advised putting my leg up on the sink to stretch the muscle. My foot felt much better right after. I continued stretching both legs regularly. The pain subsided and I accepted having to live with some pain to continue my extensive walking and jogging.  

Then I found Lee, a Chinese practitioner who came to my apartment for an hour + of painful massage, for an extraordinarily reasonable fee. It helped my sinuses and the muscle injuries that I’d resolved to live with. I’d hurt my shoulder playing volleyball and nothing helped it. It’s been fine since my first session with Lee. After two sessions, my foot never bothered me again. Since I’m athletic, I’ve hurt myself other times but Lee always makes it better.  

I explain this treatment because you can do some of it yourself. He puts lotion all over me and rubs different parts very hard, using a special stick on my feet for reflexology and his knuckles or a small dish on my arms, legs and back. It hurts like heck. Lee would lighten up but I like the results enough to bear it. He explained that there are toxins under the skin – dead cells, cholesterol, and others. They lodge in the muscles, especially an injured one, and keep blood from circulating enough to heal fast. That’s why we bruise – blood gets caught in the toxins and turns us black and blue. His massage breaks up the toxins and improves blood circulation.  

This sounded weird but I feel much better in many areas and have more energy. After a while I noticed that I no longer bruise much, even when I pull a clutz act and bang myself hard. I used to be black and blue and red after a session. It took a week to heal. After many sessions, the bruising stopped. Now he does it harder than before. I’m red right after but it’s gone in a few hours. One day I saw a woman called hands of steel on TV doing this treatment to the rich and famous in Hollywood to smooth cellulite, another benefit. I ran to a mirror – it works! J 

Try this technique on yourself. For pain in legs, arms, etc., put lotion on the area and rub it as hard as you can with your knuckles, a small dish, or a wooden roller with a handle. I’m often stiff after doing cardio. But using a roller for a few minutes on my legs – hard – makes a huge difference. I’ve pulled arm muscles and deep massage eased the pain. Now whenever something hurts, I rub my knuckles over that spot until it feels better. Some painful problems that feel serious can be alleviated with this method. Of course you should talk to a doc if it doesn’t feel like a muscle injury, or if you’re in an accident, or if you’re not just sure you should do it. This technique has given me a lot of freedom from soreness and enabled me to continue my high level of activity and exercise. Try it slowly. It’s helped many people that I’ve recommended it to.   

5. PROFESSIONAL EMPOWERMENT: Guest Writer: Isabel L. Kersen, PhD

I’m excited that Isabel is a guest writer. Her lessons can help you to take your power in ways you can use. Listening is a skill that can bring special rewards in professional situations. Isabel’s Power Listening^© strategies can help you make the most out of every interaction you have.   

Listening Is Key to Personal Power

By Isabel L. Kersen, PhD

Knowledge is power – and knowledge of others is the power to influence their behavior and decisions; to manage, motivate, and sell to them. The less you know about your customers, clients, suppliers or boss, the less power you have to influence them. People often reveal much of what you need to know - their needs, dissatisfactions, drivers – but only if you listen. Since we listen three times faster than people speak, our minds wander. Instead of listening to and understanding others, we focus on what we want, what we’re going to say. Use Power Listening to focus your mind and get the most out of listening. The most important step in Power Listening is the first: your commitment to listen.

   POWER LISTENING^©

    Promise…

          To listen now!  Make a conscious commitment to listen.

          To do nothing else and focus fully on the other person.

    Open

          Be still and attentive. Turn your body toward the speaker.

          Don’t decide in advance what you’re going to hear; listen to learn.

    Watch

          Look for non-verbals - gestures, facial expressions, shrugs.

    Engage

          Decide why you’re listening. How is what you hear useful to you?

 Listen for facts – and the speaker’s motives and interests.

    Respond

          Empathize by naming feelings the person expresses.

          Encourage the flow with nods, uh-huh’s, smiles, etc.

          Check that your understanding of what has been said is correct.

Be a power-full listener. Listening is not waiting your turn to talk. It’s your opportunity to discover the concerns, interests and values of the other person - information that enables you to present ideas, products and services with more power, to exert greater influence on others, and to get more of what you want in every situation. The better you listen, the more powerful communicator you will be.       

5. COMMUNICATION EMPOWERMENT

Explain, Don’t Complain

It’s easier to express nice stuff than it is to express anger. People listen more when your message isn’t negative. I tell women that the best way to shut their guy’s hearing capacity down is to say those four little words with a big impact - “We need to talk.” But both sexes develop selective hearing when they know criticism is coming. If you’re dissatisfied with something, you can get your negative message across to more responsive ears if you package it better.  

If someone gets you angry, don’t ya just want to tell him or her off? Resist!! Your goal should be to get your point across, not to lay guilt on the person. Watch how you come across. My motto for good communication is to explain, not complain. You shouldn’t criticize, blame, insult, nag, lecture, demean or talk down to anyone. Why make them defensive? Defensive people don’t hear clearly. Just share what you need to say in a calm, friendly manner. Speak with the same respect you want for yourself, while just explaining why the situation bothers you. The nicer you say it, the more the person will catch your drift. Isn’t that most important? 

6. HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP EMPOWERMENT 

Staying off Romantic Rides

"I need a man to feel complete."    "A good woman will be my better half."

Most of us have ridden a romantic seesaw. He loves you and you’re wonderful./He leaves you and you’re nothing. She wants you and you’re the man./She finds someone else and you’re a loser. Basing self-esteem on someone else keeps it riding up and down. Making a partner your happiness allows them to control it, and you may stay with someone bad for you. If we magnify the importance of a romantic partner, self-esteem takes a ride. 

A partner is a big success factor for many of us. Women prove worthiness by getting married (acceptance); men by dating someone hot or getting sex (achievement). Are you better if someone wants you? Hello! You are who you are, with or without a partner. The mentality that many women have about needing a man to be happy is counterproductive to developing happiness within yourself. Self-esteem comes first, even if your mom disagrees. Yes, pressure to find a mate is strong. Some people praise my professional achievements and then ask “but do you have a man?” I used to feel apologetic if I didn’t. Now, I’m proud I don’t settle. 

Does a partner with your criterion (or if you’re desperate, one who’s breathing) make you ignore negative factors? If a person feeds your self-esteem, do you have anything real? Self-esteem is an inside job. A partner can’t give it to you. Gail has been there: 

Sometimes we hustle life. We feel by a certain age we must have a boyfriend, be on our way to marriage and then children. When it doesn't happen, we become desperate and do things to make it happen. We can get mentally and physically abused in the process. When this happened to me, I felt fate had dealt me a bad blow. At some point I realized that the person I was seeking wasn't intended for me. When I put anger and desperation aside, I left myself open to meet someone truly caring. We must be patient. It may happen later. I had to wait to find my real self and learn the lessons behind going after what I was told I should have. 

Jim shared, “I married Janice because she was stunning. My friends were impressed so I felt good. But we had nothing to talk about. My friends envied me, but I wasn’t happy.” Work on yourself first! Become a whole person that a partner can grow with. Falling in love with someone because you like who the person is and share interests is healthier than looking to become a better person through him or her. Show yourself love before giving it to others! 

Do you complain to friends while putting ridiculous energy into manipulating HIM, or spending money on HER so she’ll stay? Hello! When you need a partner to prove your worth, it’s hard to love yourself when reality finally hits. And, it rarely bring long-lasting happiness. 

Often we strive to be half of something instead of being whole. Some of you say you're on a mission to get married because you're incomplete without a partner. What’s complete? Depending on someone? Looking to another to make you happy? Be realistic! No one can complete you but you. Love yourself enough to stand on your own first. Needing someone to make you complete leaves you vulnerable to falling apart if your partner leaves or you can’t snare one. Or, it keeps you in a bad relationship. You deserve better! Sharon recommends: 

If you feel like nothing without a partner, accept that it is human to experience that. Also look into yourself and see what’s lacking within your own being. Why do you keep looking towards someone to fulfill you? What can you give yourself? 

Taking care of your own needs gives you more control of your happiness. It takes pressure off in a relationship and controls desperation when you’re not in one. In my book, All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise I advise – If you want a man, get a life! It’s the same for men. Being content with your life is much more attractive and feels better than being dependent on someone. Having a partner because he or she sweetens your life, not makes it, puts you in the drivers seat.  

7. “I LOVE ME” TIP

Buy Something Special for YOU: Do you spend more money on others than on you? That keeps self-esteem from blossoming. For my book How Do I Love Me? Let Me count the Ways, I asked people how they showed themselves love. Charlotte says that when she first arrived in New York she had a fantasy from the movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s – to buy something from that very expensive store. Charlotte put a few dollars into a can when she could. She couldn’t save a lot but bought one gorgeous crystal glass from Tiffany’s and used it every day. Charlotte says that drinking orange juice from this glass made her feel special. It was a daily reminder that she had splurged on something she wanted. Years and many promotions later, she bought a whole set of Tiffany glasses. But, she says, nothing was as special as that first glass, which she still has.  

Y Y

I related. I bought one very good lead-crystal beer stein in Germany that I use for water all day and by my bed at night. I’ve been questioned about using such a good mug so casually. Because I love me and deserve to drink from a glass I love! Find your own small but wonderful thing and get it. While Charlotte and I spent more money than most would on every day glasses, they didn’t cost a fortune. Think about what you’d enjoy having – what may not make sense to others but that you’d enjoy using in your own way. Get it! Use it! Let it be a reminder that you deserve love.           

8. SPIRITUAL GROWTH BOOSTER

Interview with Louise Hay

Louise L. Hay is a lecturer, metaphysical teacher, and best selling author. She advocates loving yourself, which helps you get more of what you want. Her book, You Can Heal Your Life, was my catalyst for reinventing me into the very happy and productive chick I am today. Ms. Hay explains how if we’re willing to change our thinking, we can change our lives. I live by this! 

The product of an abusive childhood, Ms. Hay left home at 15. At 16 she gave up a baby for adoption. Because of her low self-esteem, at first she attracted abusive men. Ms. Hay survived and turned her life around. After discovering the Church of Religious Science, she published a book called, Heal Your Body giving mental reasons for physical illness, with positive thought patterns for healing.  Things were good until she was diagnosed with cancer in the vaginal area.       

Ms. Hay decided to use her mental powers to heal. She believed her cancer was caused by strong resentment from childhood sexual abuse. Refusing medical treatment, Ms. Hay instead opted for physical cleansing with the help of a nutritionist, and mental cleansing with the help of a good therapist and her own positive thought patterns. Six months later she was diagnosed as cancer free! Here are thoughts from a woman who has truly healed her life! http://www.hayhouse.com 

What were your first steps towards change? "The Church of Religious Science were the very first who told me that if I was willing to change my thinking, I could change my life. It was like a lightening bolt through me." (Daylle’s note: That happened to me when I read her book!) 

How can we use our thoughts as tools? "I believe we create our own lives. And we create it by our thinking, feeling patterns in our belief system. I think we're all born with this huge canvas in front of us and the paintbrushes and the paint, and we choose what to put on this canvas . . . I wish the children could be taught early on that our thinking creates our experience. " 

How can we stop putting off making changes?  "It's like a diet. You have to make a decision that this is the day.  You know 'I will not procrastinate any longer; I will not put it off any longer.  Today I will begin to love myself, even if it is only a little bit.' Like a diet, if you eat one less candy bar or donut a day, you're doing your body some good."   

How did you find courage to fight cancer? "I already had some tools to work with. Even so I was frightened at the time. But I stuck with what I had learned and worked in a way to holistically heal myself. It took diet, exercise, prayer, affirmations, good therapy. I worked with a therapist who specialized in anger. I beat pillows, screamed and got lots of buried stuff out."   

How can someone begin to work on self-esteem?   "I like mirror work (looking in the mirror and saying, "I love you.")  Look at what is keeping you from saying it if you can't.... Where messages come from...that there's no truth in them and you can make up messages you want." 

What is guilt?    "Beating yourself up for something that didn't turn out the way you wanted it to. Remember, yesterday ended last night. There's no point in carrying it forward with you."  

Why should we let go of the past?    "Because that holds you in yesterday and you can't live in the past. Learn from the past and let if go. Live in today." 

Why must we learn to forgive ourselves?  "Otherwise you punish yourself. Forgiveness is for yourself because it frees you. It lets you out of that prison you put yourself in."  

9. ASK DAYLLE

In each issue I’ll answer a question about how to handle a specific situation. Please send in questions about something that you’d like help with.   

Say It Nicely, But Say It

Kathy G. writes, “Laura, a woman in my office, regularly picks up little things off my desk to use, without asking.  She may take a pen one day, a piece of paper the next. It's not the item that bothers me but the lack of privacy when someone touches my things without permission.  It makes me very angry but I say nothing, for fear people will think I'm petty. She does it to others too, but nothing is said. How can I handle this without looking like the bad guy?” 

My answer: Confronting a co-worker can be awkward. Talk with Laura privately. Don't accuse her, get sarcastic, criticize or tell her that others are annoyed too. Just explain in a matter of fact tone that you prefer people to ask before borrowing your things. Smile, have a pleasant tone of voice, and get your message across so Laura understands. Explain (without sounding annoyed) that it's the privacy aspect that bothers you, not the items. Say you'd appreciate respect for your preference. Thank her. If she does it again, say something in a professional tone on the spot. 

10. SELF-EMPOWERMENT SUCCESS STORIES

In every issue I’ll include success stories from my readers. Please send in yours. 

I'm no longer a slave at work!

I always felt that I had to stay late at work. My job is nine to five, but I see so many people still at their desks no matter how late I leave that I used to feel obligated to stay late too. I don't have a fancy job or make a lot of money. I realized recently that no one ever shows appreciation when I work until seven or eight. I don't get overtime. And I have many things to do on my own time so I hate staying longer than I have to. Since taking a "Nice Girls On Top" workshop, I've started leaving at five. A few people have said, "you're leaving early," and I say, "no, I'm just leaving on time." I've decided they don't pay me enough to work on my time. They can't fire me for this. It feels great to have more time in the evenings! Fran G.  

I'm a Nice Guy, Not an Idiot

I've always given people the benefit of the doubt. My girlfriend enjoyed the persona of being very sweet. I wanted to see her that way so I ignored many of the things she did that were not sweet, and bothered me. I was there for her when she needed rides or help with things. I always paid for everything when we were out. Whenever I pointed out that very little was reciprocated and I wouldn't always do things for her, she told me I was turning into a bastard, and I gave her way. Since reading your book, I realized I want to be liked for myself, not for what I do, and that I'm not a bastard. I started setting limits and now I don't have a girlfriend. But it's more of a relief than painful. I’ll watch out for me more with the next one!   Dan P.

Well, that’s all for my first issue. A BIG thank you to Joan Price and Isabel L. Kersen for allowing me to include their input. Please write and tell me things you’d like me to write about.

Keep your passions strong!

With love from,

Daylle Deanna Schwartz  

© 2005 Project Self-Empowerment, LLC

http://www.daylle.com