Self-Empowerment
Quarterly
a newsletter for the
body, mind & spirit
for women & men
ISSN1073-6158
Volume 1
Issue 2
Summer
2005
Welcome to Self-Empowerment Quarterly, my free self-empowerment newsletter for women and men. This is the first step in launching Project-Self Empowerment, LLC, a company set up to give back for all of my blessings. In 2006, I’ll publish my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways to distribute for free through colleges, churches, women’s and men’s shelters, prisons, eating disorders clinics, etc. The book will also be sold in stores. All profits go into giving away more books. Anyone interested in participating in this project as a sponsor or another way can contact me directly (daylle@daylle.com).
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This newsletter has suggestions to help you to live a healthier, happier and more productive life. All the aspects I discuss are ways to show yourself love. The more loving you are to you, the more loving you feel. The more loving you feel toward yourself, the more you want to make YOU happy. I sincerely want you to be happy and will provide tools to help achieve it. I have guest writers too. This time I’m thrilled to have Rita Milios, MSW and Julie Havey. I write the rest.
Please send any questions you’d like me to consider answering in a future issue. If you felt more empowered in a specific situation, please send details for consideration in my Success Stories section. This newsletter is for each and every one of you. It’s free. All suggestions are welcome.
Daylle
Deanna Schwartz
Project
Self-Empowerment, LLC
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In this issue:
2. Confidence Booster: Developing a Confident Stance
3. Taking Control of Your Body: Why 71% of dieters fail, and what YOU can do to avoid it! - Julie Havey
4. Good Health Empowerment: Onions or a Pill – for Allergy Relief
5. Communication Empowerment: Open & Close Nicely
6. Healthy Relationship Empowerment: Connecting with Intimacy
7. “I Love Me” Tip
8. Spiritual Growth Booster: The Power of Personal Intentions
9. Ask Daylle: Question from a reader
10. Self-Empowerment Success Story
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1. HAPPINESS EMPOWERMENT
By Rita Milios, MSW
Most of us don't spend much time thinking about the way we think. But thinking is a habit, and the way we talk to ourselves in our minds is a habit. Bad habits, such as negative self-messages and put-downs, get bad results: low self-esteem, depression, and lack of motivation. Good habits, such as talking to yourself in a positive way, focusing on positive thoughts, and being positive with other people, get good results: success, happiness, and peace of mind.
Think Before You Speak: Start monitoring your inner dialogue. Write down each negative message that you notice over two or three days. Then, begin to consciously change those negative messages. Whenever you feel yourself starting to think a negative thought, STOP. Don't finish it. Change the thought a positive one before it leaves you.
Don't Worry: Like positive thinking, worrying is a habit, too - a bad habit. Here are some tips to help you reduce your worry time:
• Set aside one half-hour each day to do all your worrying. During this half-hour, worry to your heart's content, playing out all the possibilities to their ultimate catastrophe. But at any other time during the day, you must not indulge in worrying.
• Gradually reduce your worry-time. Start with a half-hour a day. After a week, cut it down to twenty minutes, then ten minutes. Then eliminate your worry-time altogether.
• Create an imaginary "safe place" to contain your worries. Label three containers: Doubts, Fears and Worries. Whenever you have a doubt, a fear, or a worry, lift the lid on the appropriate jar and toss the feeling inside.
Rita Milios is a transformational psychotherapist, author and speaker.
Visit her at http://www.ritamilios.com.
There will be a confidence booster in each issue. Confidence is a big key to getting what you desire. Nobody is born with good self-confidence. We all have insecurities. Some people grew up in an environment that boosted their self-esteem and nurtured confidence. More didn’t. Use my confidence boosters to develop yours more fully.
I have a secret. While those who know me assume that I’m always self-assured, I get insecure plenty of times too. We all do. But nowadays I can use my tools to get on a better track fast. I used to have no confidence and it was obvious to everyone. Now I’m in a much better place – 90% in a better direction. I am confident most of the time. But not always! And it’s okay. My façade always gives off a positive image because I’m conscious about how I carry myself. I make it through tough times by looking good, and it translates into feeling good.
Have you ever seen someone who’s not standing up straight and assume that this person doesn’t feel good about him or herself? We all make snap judgments about people we don’t know, especially those we consider working with. Your first impression can instill an initial image in someone’s mind. So stand up tall, lift your head, and make the impression you give a good one! Good posture makes you look confident, even if you’re nervous.
Begin to develop your posture today by becoming conscious of how you carry yourself. Make an effort to pull your shoulders back and lift your head high to look more self-assured. Straightening up your body is also healthy for you. It promotes an overall sense of well-being and relaxation. Good posture has saved my back when I do my long power walks. I used to be sore after trekking 10 miles. No more! Since I practiced walking with good posture, my back feels great and I look more confident. Two for the price of one effort!
You’re judged by how you carry yourself, so make a positive impression by standing straight, arching your shoulders, and keeping your head up. That helps people to buy your image of confidence so they take you more seriously. It sets a positive tone for their immediate perception of you. Carrying yourself this way rubs off on how you see yourself. The better my posture gets, the better I actually feel about me. Good posture instills confidence and makes you feel more powerful. Remember Descarte, who I quoted in the last issue – “I think therefore I am.” When you look the way a confident person does, it can become natural. Take advantage of this simple conscious act that packs a big result!
Daylle does personal growth counseling, in person or by phone. Call her at 212 688-3504 or email daylle@daylle.com for more details.
Taking care of your body is a gift of love to you. Being healthy makes you feel better. In every issue I’ll include advice in this section to help you keep your body healthy. When you focus on being healthy, you give yourself love! Julie Havey writes a terrific column for http://www.ediets.com. She kindly shared some advice for my readers.
Why 71% Of Dieters Fail, And What YOU Can Do To Avoid It!
By Julie Havey
In a recent survey, an amazing 38% of the respondents said that despite their resolve to adhere to their diets, they are breaking their diet EVERY DAY to give into and eat their vice foods. Another 31% claim to cave into their vices on a weekly basis! That is 71% of dieters who have an issue with their vices.
What exactly is a vice, you may be wondering? Good question! Let me shed some light on this dark side of dieting. A vice is ANYTHING that consistently hinders one’s weight loss and is consumed frequently enough and in such quantity that it as a major contributor to the excess weight. Therefore, a vice can be things such as chocolate, ice-cream, pizza, soft drinks, chips, or even a lack of portion control, exercise or belief in one’s own ability! Vices are as individual as the person on any given diet. I think this is where the problem with traditional dieting lies. Diets hook us in by telling us you can eat the foods you love and still lose weight.
Come on America – wake up and smell the coffee! YOU CAN’T EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT TO AND STILL LOSE WEIGHT. I don’t care how many late night ads you may have read that claim otherwise. I don’t care how many pills, powders and potions have promised you that they will block, absorb or cast evil spells on the fat you consume. They just can’t!
There is good news though, in fact, there is GREAT news! You CAN eat and eat a lot of food and still lose weight. The catch is what kinds of foods you choose to eat and in what portion. In addition to a healthful diet, you must also BUST the VICES that have control over you and your actions.
It does a person no good to go all day or all week on their diet, only to indulge in just one of their vices. If you eat healthfully all day, you can’t reward that with a bowl of ice cream, a piece of chocolate or some fries! There are some things in your life that just have to go permanently! Yes, living without the things that control your impulses is NOT living a life of denial. Living under their control however, denies you from realizing your dreams and weight loss goals!
Julia Havey is LifeChanger...for BUSTING your VICES and losing weight.
http://www.JuliaHavey.com
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Julie is sadly right. Life would be so much more delicious if we could pop a pill to allow fats and sugar to pass through our bodies without repercussions. We don’t have to always deprive ourselves but the serious trigger foods we love should be avoided when we want to lose weight. I’ve learned to differentiate between general fattening food and food I love so much I lose control of portion size. The key to dieting successfully is controlling your need for food. Most of us have treats we love that control us. One of my favorites is Oreos. Yum! I just love those cookies. But if I buy a box, I have to eat a lot of them, often indulging until nausea stops me. J Occasionally when I travel, I’ll treat myself to a small package of 6 for dessert on the plane. Of course I eat them all! But if I had a whole box, I’d eat a lot more.
While I do have a sweet each day, I can’t have a box of Oreos in the house. Instead, I buy plainer cookies that I like, not love, so I have control. I take out two after dinner and put the rest away before having my dessert. Identify the trigger foods that control you – the ones you can’t stop eating. While it hurts, keep them out of your house! That’s how you take control and enable yourself to shed some pounds. If you’re looking for support in losing weight, visit Julie’s website and check her out her columns on http://www.ediets.com. DDS
We can do many things to improve our health. I strongly believe in complementary medicine – using both traditional and alternative treatments. In most issues I’ll include an alternative solution to a physical problem. Doing something to alleviate a physical problem increases happiness. I’ve heard from people who got the phone number for Lee, the Chinese practitioner I wrote about in the last issue and they said his painful massages have helped many of their ailments. It’s always good to know you have alternatives to taking drugs that might have side affects!
I’ve suffered from nasal allergies all my life. I dreaded spring and fall because of all the unpleasant reactions I had to stuff in the air. Yet those are my favorite seasons and it was awful to want them to be over! For years my sinuses throbbed so much in the fall that it was hard to function. Sinus headaches lasted as long as 6 weeks and the pressure made me tired. No medication gave much relief. Then I was advised to try Quercetin.
Quercetin is a bioflavenoid found in onions, apples, and other plants. This is one of the few alternative supplements that have many clinical trials that recognize it as good for allergy relief. It’s been proven to be an effective anti-inflammatory, so it reduces swelling in the sinuses and also desensitizes the body to negative reactions to allergens. It’s also been proven to help asthma sufferers. Quercetin is now being studied for its affect on swelling in the prostate.
I began taking Quercetin +C (it usually comes with vitamin C, which works with it) one August about eight years ago. Fall arrived and I continued to function normally! I still had stuffiness and sneezing. But it was at a very tolerable level – not debilitating like before. And since then, I no longer get the bad sinus headaches. I take two Quercetin capsules when I know allergy season is coming. As my symptoms lessen, I go down to one a day. I don’t take them at all during non-allergy times.
Quercetin saved a big part of my life, especially in the fall. I still have my bad days but not bad weeks. So far no side affects have been found, and they’ve studied it for a while. I do still take antihistamines and decongestants at times. But they never even helped before I took Quercetin. While it’s not a cure for allergies, it provides relief, which can be a real blessing!
When you have something important to share, you want the person to hear what you say. But often people don’t hear objectively. Many get defensive when they know something negative is coming. I warn women that if they want to shut down a guy’s ears fast, they can use those 4 little words that create invisible earplugs – “We need to talk.” Guys know that some form of criticism is coming and get into protective mode. When someone is on the defensive, listening is secondary to coming up with a response to end the discussion.
If you want people to hear what you say – objectively – start and end with a positive statement. Since people raise their guard when they sense a negative coming, they’ll listen better if you open with something nice. If it’s a romantic partner, say something like, “I'm lucky to have you in my life.” If it’s a friend, try your version of “It feels good being comfortable speaking to you.” At work find something to praise or a version of “You've been so great about___” “I like working with you and want to keep our relationship good.” Or open with whatever seems appropriate.
Use a soft, friendly tone to make a positive statement. It can lower the person’s resistance and make their ears more receptive. Nicely stating something catches people off their guard so they’re initially less defensive. Then you can segue into explaining the problem while keeping a friendly tone. Remember what I said in the last issue – explain, don’t complain.
End your conversation with a good feeling. “Thanks for being such a sweetheart about listening.” “I appreciate that we can work this out because I care about you.” If you leave your romantic partner, friend or colleague with good vibes, they’ll be in a better mood to absorb what you said. The main point of communication is to get your point across. So why not use honey words instead of turning people off with vinegar? Keep anger in check and focus on communicating without shutting their ears with an attitude or accusations.
Daylle is still looking for people to interview: I’m writing a book called Nice Girls on Top, to teach women that we can be nice and still get taken seriously. I used to be a doormat. Now I’m a nice girl who gets her way! I’m interviewing women about their struggles to get taken seriously and their success stories, big and small – the first time you said “no” and held your ground, telling your boss that he talks down to you, standing up to mom, going after a better job, holding your own when a man tries to intimidate you, the first time you controlled your emotions, etc. Thanks to all the people who’ve already done the interview!
GUYS! I’d love to get input from you about what you’ve observed in women that hold them back and how women can improve on in all areas. What would you advise them to change in order to be happier and get taken more seriously? Where do you think we go wrong? Here’s your chance to tell us!
If you’d like to participate, please email me. I can email questions or do it by phone. Your responses will be anonymous unless you want to be identified. Thank you! daylle@daylle.com
Women complain that men don’t express their feelings in meaningful ways. Men complain that women want too much attention. Women have a hard time dealing with a guy’s need for space. Men hard a hard time dealing with a woman’s need for their time. Is it possible to come together and have relationships that are loving and satisfying? YES!
We know that men and women communicate differently. But one big difference doesn’t involve words. Women tell how they feel. Men show it. Yet we often want our partner to reciprocate what we give, in the same way. Many can’t because it’s not their nature, and that’s okay. Focusing on what you’re not getting can lead to not appreciating what your partner is giving. For example, I had a boyfriend (I’ll call him Tom) who never gave compliments after our first date or told me how he felt. NEVER! Yet he treated me better than guys who gave me the words and gestures I craved. I appreciated it on one level. When there were problems with New York water, he bought a filter for my sink and installed it. But that didn’t feel romantic. I wanted flowers and got cut up watermelon. When I complained, he was confused since I enjoyed the fruit. Tom was showing me love in such sincere ways but I wanted more traditional romance!
Women love romantic words and gestures. Men don’t always express themselves in the kind of ways that women see in movies, which too often is what we use for standards. I knew that Tom cared a lot but I wanted more. Since I wasn’t good at expressing exactly what I wanted, he’d get frustrated that I didn’t appreciate what he did. He asked if I wanted him to bring flowers out of obligation. Yes, I sadly did. Years later as I grew wiser, I realized that some demands may seem like too much to deliver and the feelings are more important than the delivery.
We often magnify what we think our partner wants. If they seem like too much work, why bother? Because they can be easier to satisfy than you think! Conscious connections can help fill needs that don’t seem easy to satisfy. They can make your partner feel special, which feels good. Women don’t necessarily want the attention that men joke about. We need to feel connected to our partner. Men love that feeling too. You can connect lovingly, without it feeling like work. Little things can bring big rewards. And if you sincerely care about your partner, you’ll probably enjoy giving these things that take very little effort.
Any form of touching can connect you – a hug, squeeze, or caress tells your partner that you’re thinking of him or her in a loving way. And if it’s done to you, do it back to make it more meaningful! Touch helps maintain the all-important connections that both sexes benefit from. A slight touch during a busy day keeps connections solid. Women may allow men more space if we feel connected. And a man may develop more romantic inclinations when he’s lovingly touched in a way that’s not excessive.
Some sweet words can keep connections solid – a quick phone call at work, loving words whispered in public, saying “I’ll miss you” before leaving for days. Words of encouragement make most people feel good. And occasional compliments can put a smile on the face of either sex. Notes and cards also strengthen connections. You don’t have to get mushy! Leave a smiley face with your initial slipped into something your partner uses. A short e-mail just to say hi lets your partner know he or she is on your mind. Don’t rely on just emails. Even a post-it-note with a sweet thought left in an obvious place will bring a smile to your sweetie. Loving words can make you feel close to each other.
A variety of gestures can intensify connections. Make eye contact when you’re with a group. Bring your partner something that shows you listen to what interests him or her. Cut out an article that your partner may like. Showing that you listen to what interests your partner is loving. Ask how something discussed about work turned out. Create rituals with each other. Those are things you do together on a regular basis. It could be as simple as watching a video together every Wednesday. Or taking a walk after dinner. Shared rituals help keep connections strong in a hectic world. And strong connections lead to the intimacy that most people want with someone they care about.
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Daylle’s relationship book, How to Please a Woman In & Out of Bed, is now out in a new, revised edition. That book and All Men Are Jerks *Until Proven Otherwise are available at http://www.daylle.com/daylle/bookstapes-personal.html and in bookstores.
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7. “I LOVE ME” TIP
Plan a ME day for doing only things that YOU want: Are there things that you love to do but feel silly indulging them? Does guilt prevent you from not making time for things that don’t seem important but you’d get pleasure from? A wonderful gift of self-love is taking a whole day off from doing work to just do fun things. I don’t just mean the work that pays bills. It’s healthy to spend free time NOT doing laundry, cleaning, and other chores. Declare a ME day! Call in sick and just stay home alone, preferably when everyone is out. Then look in the mirror and declare, “I deserve to do whatever makes me happy!” And cater to yourself!
Do you want to spend the whole day in bed reading or watching old movies? Do it! You don’t have to tell anyone what you did if you feel funny. I once had an exhausting few weeks. I scheduled a ME day to take advantage of my video store’s two for the price of one special rentals. I got four videos the night before my day of indulgence! I also bought some fattening treats that I rarely allow myself – a small bag of chips, a candy bar, and some splurges for lunch and dinner. Notice I got small things so I wouldn’t have leftovers beyond my ME day.
I slept late. Then I watched a movie, in bed with breakfast. After the first movie, I checked out things on the Internet that I normally have no time for. At lunchtime I watched another movie in bed. I did some stretching and got back into bed with my third movie and the snacks. I read during dinner and then took a leisurely bath with some wine. The last movie lasted till bedtime. Oh, I was already in bed! So I happily went to sleep.
That day relaxed me in an amazing way. We owe it to ourselves to consciously experience joy. Figure out what you’d like to do and do it! Watch cartoons, old movies, read, play video games, sleep, go hiking, have lunch out with a book, shop, go to the movies, or anything that puts a smile on your face. I’ve occasionally taken a bus from Manhattan to Atlantic City, just to wander on the beach for the day. Me days are for YOU. Make them yours. I plan smaller ME times regularly and look forward to doing what I want, all for ME! Having a ME day is a great way to reinforce self-love.
Watching Your Intentions
Louise Hay (whose interview was in issue #1) says if you change the way you think, you can change your life. Rita Milios discussed the same premise above. I believe that our thoughts, whether positive or negative, get supported by a higher being. Therefore, getting what you want begins with becoming conscious of your intentions, so you can be clear about what you want support for.
Intentions aren’t the same as wishful thinking. We all dream about things we don’t really think we’ll get. Intentions are thoughts with a pro-active edge. Having them instills an expectation that you’ll receive. For example, most of us want lots of money. I do! J But if you limit your intentions to only make what you believe you can get or if deep down, you don’t think you deserve as much as you want, you probably won’t get more. When you don’t sincerely believe that you’ll get what you want, the serious intention isn’t there.
For years I taught classes on music industry and personal growth topics. People encouraged me to write books. They got partly developed in my computer. I loved writing them. But after getting turned down by a few literary agents, I felt insecure about making more than some lame attempts to get published. If nobody wanted my books, where would my dreams be? The intention I put out was that I didn’t think I was good enough to write a book, even though my dream was to be an author. Years later, I was blessed to develop my spiritual faith, which helped me change my intentions and get an agent.
When 18 publishing houses turned down my first book, the agent gave up and told me to move on. This time I refused to let rejection stop me and put my intentions out clearly – I expected a deal! I continued writing the book and talking like it was going to be published. A few weeks later, an editor from Billboard crossed my path at an event I’d put together for charity. I told him about my book, he signed me soon after, and The Real Deal came out 10 months later. My book All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise was turned down by 20 publishers. Determined to get it published, I demonstrated my intentions by leaving the agent and continuing to write the book. No one could convince me that I should give up. I was soon led to an agent who got me a good deal quickly.
Be very careful about what intentions you put out. People who say “Everything bad always happens to me” usually get “rewarded” with more bad things. While they don’t really want negatives, their expectation attracts it and makes the intention a reality that gives them more ammo for “Everything bad always happens to me.” Be very clear about what you expect. We all have the power to put a more positive spin on our thoughts and express a clear intent behind our dreams. That helps them to become a reality! How can you empower your intentions and give yourself the maximum chance of receiving what you desire?
* Pay attention to how you phrase things. Catch yourself if the intention you put out has negative connotations. “I want this but doubt it can happen.” vs. “It may not look like it will happen but it will!”
* Be aware of expressions like “I hope so,” or “I’m praying for it,” which express doubt. “I will” is more definite. “I hope to find a good job.” vs. “I will find one.”
* Get in the habit of thinking in terms of already having something, not wishing for it. “I’d love to have the strength to lose weight” vs. “I have the strength to lose weight and intend to use it.”
* Affirm regularly that you deserve what you’re going after. Affirmations reinforce your intentions, so make them positive! If you’re wondering why someone would hire you over another, or feeling inadequate about doing what you want, it probably won’t happen. “There may be others who would do the job better” vs. “I may not be perfect but I’m perfectly capable of doing the job well.”
* Trust that what you want will come at the right time. Don’t lose hope when you don’t manifest your dream quickly. There are lessons to be learned or you may not be ready yet. “It doesn’t look like I’ll get it” expresses doubt. “I know I’ll get it at the right time” puts your spiritual power into high gear!
I know that God wants me to be happy and get what I need. And he listens carefully. So I make sure that what he hears is a message that has the best chance to manifest lots of goodies. Only you have the power to choose your intentions. Make them positive ones and enjoy more of life’s blessings! Share your joys. Please let me know what you manifest. : )
In each issue I’ll answer a question about how to handle a specific situation. Please send in questions about something that you’d like help with.
Stop Lumping Men Together
How can I handle my frustration at being lumped with the jerks of the world? I am so tired of women falling back on the excuse for a man's bad behavior – "what do you expect, he's a man." I acknowledge that a lot of men, too many for my comfort, are jerks. But I'm not one and I'm tired of paying for the sins of those who are. I hope women will soon accept there are some very nice guys who are trying to support necessary changes. If not, they're going to lose some very good allies for women's rights. Marc B.
My answer: Men are victims too. Women don’t own that! Some people judge you according to the actions of men who aren't interested in changing their outlook. That's not fair! There are lots of wonderful men out there and I for one am grateful to have them in my court. No one wants to be slotted into a category. Men are victims of the stereotypes we lay on them, often out of anger. Women should not lump all men in the same breath, just as we don't want people to assumed that all of us are emotional, less competent or bitchy because we’re women. We must practice what we are preach and become more conscious of assessing everyone, male and female, black or white, young or old, etc., as individuals. We’ll all get along better if people do that. Don’t let stereotypes affect who you are! I’ve found that the best way to deal with them is to recognize that it often comes from ignorance continue to do my best to be who I am and hope that eventually people will see that stereotypes aren’t truths about a whole group.
In every issue I’ll include success stories from my readers. Please send in yours.
She Wins a Different Kind of Case
I’m an attorney, but have a problem confronting people in my personal life. Recently at a party a friend commented that I shouldn’t be eating so much, followed by a lecture. She said that I would be happier if I lost weight, so I must curtail my eating. She even pointed out unflattering details about my body. Normally when others tell me what to do, without concern for my feelings, I do nothing. That allows them to control the situation. Now I’ve learned better and told her if was really my friend, she’d be more supportive instead of raking me over the coals. She called 3 days later to apologize. It felt so good to do what was best for me for a change! I thought I would lose my friends by speaking up but I see that she respects me more. I’m so sick of people telling me how my body should look and how I should or shouldn’t eat. I’m going to continue standing up for what I consider a healthy, curvy body. Carmen S.
Hanging in Pays Off
I hated work because my boss took out his aggression out on us. People in other departments egged me on to tell him off and quit. I knew they just wanted a show. Some of those who encouraged me weren’t very nice either and wanted to see me lose my temper and leave. Before taking a Nice Guys on Top workshop, I came close to letting my temper explode into a nasty outburst. I was very happy to learn skills for keeping my cool on a professional level, which helped me ignore my colleagues. I knew that being unemployed was worse. So I began to calmly stand up to my boss, explaining why his behavior was uncalled for. My acting in a very professional way actually annoyed others. I put most of my energy into doing a good job and getting to know people in other departments who saw me as a hardworking, professional guy. After quietly letting people know I was looking for a change, I was informed of an opening in another department, applied, and got a transfer. That was better than leaving on bad terms and looking for a job while I was unemployed. James Z.
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Well, that’s all for this issue. A BIG thanks to Rita Milios and Julie Havey for allowing me to include their input. Please let me know things you’d like me to write about.
Do you want to feel happier? Take at least a little time to become more conscious of your actions and reactions to life’s ups and downs. The first baby step toward change is awareness. Then you can slowly break old habits. Meanwhile, keep your passions strong!
With love from,
Daylle
© 2005 Project Self-Empowerment, LLC
http://www.daylle.com