Self-Empowerment Quarterly

a Newsletter for the mind, body and spirit

for men and women  

ISSN 1073-6158                                                                                                             Volume 1 Issue 4

Spring 2006

Table of Contents

HAPPINESS EMPOWERMENT

I begin every issue with an article about bringing more happiness into your life. A sincere sense of ongoing joy eludes a majority of people. I want to help change that! Please read this carefully if you don’t want to waste another precious minute of life without feeling contentment and joy when you wake up each day, despite life’s snags. Don’t be one of those who wait until they’re much older and then lament how much they missed. It’s all YOUR choice. This issue I discuss how to keep your protective walls porous in order to take risks that let happiness in NOW. 

Watching Your Walls

Most of us have walls, of varying degrees, that we put up to protect ourselves from getting hurt. We begin as open human beings. But, if life bites us, our defenses go up. As we interact with others, fall in love, connect with friends, we learn that being open can lead to pain. It’s natural to want to protect yourself after you get let down, heartbroken, disillusioned or burnt. Defense mechanisms trigger all sorts of reactions to keep from getting hurt again. Unfortunately, what’s meant to keep you safe can also block happiness. 

Walls may provide protection against people who aren’t good for you, but they can also keep out people who’d bring you happiness. Anger generated after trusting someone who hurts you brings your guard – “I won’t let anyone do that to me again!” Getting hurt by someone you cared about and opened yourself up to creates fear – BIG fear – letting yourself feel close again to someone who might let you down. “I’ll protect myself in the future by not getting into a situation that can hurt me later.” Being careful is okay, in moderation. But if you’re not selective, you can shut out someone who will make you happy.  

People who put up solid walls do prevent hurt on one level – it’s harder to get hurt if you don’t let anyone in. But, it’s hard to be happy if you push people who’d brighten your life away. Fear instinctively guides you to run from someone who feels good to be with. That sounds weird but when you’re scared, you may equate getting close to someone who puts a smile on your face, and sometimes in your heart, as a potential for future pain. So walls get higher and stronger as fear of getting let down trumps happiness. I hear it from clients: 

          * Men tell me various versions of, “It felt so good to be with her but that made me feel vulnerable. I couldn’t help doing things that sabotaged our relationship because I was scared of getting close and being hurt.”

          *Women bitterly say versions of, “I’ll never trust another man again! Next time I won’t let anyone I date get away with anything.”

          * Both sexes lament about not developing any more close friendships because someone let them down or cheated them.

          * Both sexes worry that someone who makes them happy can lead to feeling bad later. 

It’s important to find a balance between setting yourself up to be disappointed or burned and giving people a chance. It’s good to protect yourself but not put yourself in a cocoon that keeps everyone out. My walls are created by enlightenment and awareness, not fear of hurting or getting hurt. I’m careful about whom I trust and take time to get to know someone carefully before letting the walls down more. Trust must be earned over time.  

Keep your walls porous. Solid ones don’t let joy in. When you live in an armored fortress, you’re not really living and tasting life. You’re just passing time. I’ve learned that in order to feel joy, you have to risk pain. While I don’t like to get hurt, I do like to live, not pass time in a little box for protection. I love having joy too much to not let it in. Really living fully includes getting hurt.  

It’s hard to taste and experience life fully if you’re wrapped in gauze. Let people in cautiously, but take chances with your eyes wide open. We need to risk being hurt in order to feel joy too. Get to know someone slowly. If you’re careful, but not blocked, you can avoid getting seriously hurt while still indulging in life. Try these tips if you want a full, fun life that’s like a gift, not a prison sentence (suggestions for dealing with romantic situations are in section 6): 

          * Remind yourself that everyone is different and most are probably not out to hurt you.

          * Give people a chance to get to know you.

          * Stop expecting people to hurt you, because expectations become real.

          * Don’t take people you don’t know at their word when you don’t know if they’re for real, no matter how much you want them to be. Wait to see if they keep it consistently.

          * Make people earn your trust but stay open to letting them in, a little at a time.

          * Let your walls down in layers, as the person earns your trust in concrete ways. 

When you first meet someone who attracts you, ask yourself what the draw is? Is it their looks or sexual chemistry? Are your friends occupied in relationships and you’re anxious for someone to pal around with? We often jump in with someone who meets a need. Keep that in perspective. I was once thrilled to meet a woman who lived near me and was also a writer and have a friend to hang with and talk about career stuff. We began to meet up often. I didn’t pay attention to all her problems at first. But they crept up and started to bite me. Eventually I couldn’t handle her depressing talk and complaints. While she’s a nice person, she isn’t good for me to be around. I had some uncomfortable moments but extricated myself from the friendship. Be careful and adjust your walls to keep out those who aren’t good for you while allowing those who bring joy in. Joy is the essence of a good life and good people are the biggest wealth we can acquire. 

Confidence is a big key to getting what you desire. Nobody is born with good self-confidence. We all have insecurities. Some people grew up in an environment that boosted their self-esteem and nurtured confidence. More didn’t. But you can develop some! 

Nod Like You Mean It: Body language can really increase your credibility. It can be as simple nodding your head to emphasize what you're saying. When you're trying to make an important point, nod as you state it. Not like one of those Russian dolls whose heads bobble. But subtle nodding like you're saying yes can add conviction to your message. It creates an aura of being certain and gives you a better change of getting taken more seriously. 

I’ll repeat this in every issue. Taking care of your body is a gift of love to you. Being healthy makes you feel better. This doesn’t mean striving for a perfect body or impressing a romantic partner. Create better nutritional habits, take vitamins/supplements and exercise for YOU! When you focus on being healthy, you give yourself love! 

Secrets to Permanent Weight Loss

By:  Rena Greenberg

The secret to permanent weight loss lies within. Consciously you know that in order to achieve and maintain your ideal weight you have to eat smaller portions, choose healthier foods and increase your activity level. But the obstacles to success are not in your conscious mind. 

The obstacles to success are in your subconscious mind. The subconscious part of the mind is like a computer. It runs on programming. Ninety-five percent of the activities we engage in (and the thoughts that we think) are fueled by this automatic pilot in the brain. The subconscious mind makes life easy so we don’t have to think about every little thing that we do.  Remember when you first learned to drive? You had to consciously think of each step . . . adjust the mirror, buckle your seatbelt, turn the key in the ignition, look behind you, put the car in reverse, take your foot off the break and press down on the gas petal. Remember how tedious that was? What a blessing it is now that all these steps merge into one flowing movement and we don’t have to be bogged down with a step by step process. 

Well it’s the exact same auto-pilot that is engaging in overeating, binging, snacking and emotional eating mindlessly. When the clock strikes 12noon—it’s lunchtime! If you have a program installed in your subconscious mind that says that you have to eat lunch everyday at 12 o’clock whether you are hungry or not, guess what? That is exactly what you are going to do.  

Consciously, you may have made a decision to lose weight, but until you reverse the automatic programs that have been running your life, you are going to continue with the same old self-sabotaging behaviors that you have always engaged in. How did the unproductive programs get installed in the first place? Through constant repetition. If every time you had a plate of food in front of you, someone (most likely an authority figure) told you to finish everything on it, you learned that when there is food around you better eat it. The reward was that your caretakers were pleased. You were a good girl or a good boy when you cleaned your plate, and you may even have been rewarded with more food.  

Instead of beating yourself up mercilessly every time you “cheat” or eat the “wrong” foods, realize that you are doing so simply because there is some very unproductive conditioning repeating itself. At some level you are associating pleasure with those foods that are harmful to you. The good news is that all you have to do is install a new program—one that ensures your achieving the goal you deeply desire—living life healthy, fit, at your ideal weight and in control of your life and your eating habits.

Programs are installed through intensity of emotion and repetition. So next time you are about to indulge in a food that you know is poisonous to your system, use the following simple method to help you change your perceptions of that food and begin to install a new, more productive, subconscious belief system.  

Try the following: Imagine the harmful food in front of you. Notice your habitual response to the food. You may even find yourself salivating as you imagine how good that food is going to taste.  Now before you go any further, STOP. First of all imagine that you are viewing the food through a camera lens and zoom out so the food is far away from you now. Make the image fuzzy or black and white. By making these small changes in the way you view the food, you are beginning to shift your perceptions. 

Next, imagine that you already ate the food and focus on the FEELINGS in your body. How does that food make you feel? Really notice any sensations of nausea, heaviness, disgust, guilt, discomfort and distension. Exaggerate the bad feelings associated with having eaten that food.  Make these negative feelings as real for yourself as possible, by bringing them closer and brightening up any color visuals, and increasing the volume on the audio, if there is any. This step will help you to use the pain you experience regularly to your benefit. Now, place these horrible feelings that you normally experience AFTER you eat the food that is harmful to you onto the harmful food that you typically indulge in, BEFORE you eat the food. 

The key is this. Rather than fantasize about how wonderful this food will taste prior to eating it, and then experiencing the pain of having eaten it over and over again, begin to associate pain with the food before you eat it. That will keep you from wanting it. By doing this exercise regularly with the “trigger” foods that cause you to sabotage yourself, slowly you will begin to change the deeply imbedded subconscious programming that is running your life and keeping you feeling helpless about your overweight condition. You absolutely can change your perceptions of the food you eat. When you change the way you think about food, your habits will automatically and effortlessly begin to support your desire to live your life healthy and fit.

We can do many things to improve our health. I strongly believe in complementary medicine – using both traditional and alternative treatments. In each issue I’ll include an alternative solution to a physical problem. Doing something to alleviate a physical problem increases happiness.

Capsaisin Pepper Power

SINUS PROBLEMS? CLUSTER HEADACHES? MIGRAINES? NATURAL RELIEF IS HERE!

I’m thrilled to bring news of some powerful new products that have saved my sanity. I’ve always suffered from allergies. My head often feels like it’s going to explode due to stuffed sinuses. During real allergy season I get headaches which make it hard to think clearly. Creativity can take a nosedive when your head is throbbing. Since 9/11, my sinuses have gone to a new level of discomfort. It’s hard to concentrate and write when the pressure blurs my head. I got used to not breathing well but hated it. I lived on over the counter meds, though I don’t think they did much but give me something to do. Then a miracle happened. I found Sinus Buster. 

Someone told me about this pepper spray for the sinuses, that also relieves cluster and migraine headaches. It was developed by Wayne Perry, a well-known self-defense instructor who’s suffered from a severe form of chronic headache known as a cluster headache. Over the years they got bad he could barely function. Doctors could do little. Wayne knew his headaches were connected to his chronic sinus congestion but that didn’t help him find relief.  

Wayne went on TV shows, including Oprah, advocating the use of pepper sprays for personal safety. During a demonstration the pepper spray went up his nose and cleared up his headache and sinuses. But he didn’t know how to use pepper properly, so he dismissed it and continued to suffer. Years later, his sinus congestion and headaches got worse and more frequent. Wayne says they were ruining his life. I related to his story as my sinuses ruined many of my days.

When Wayne learned that people were getting help for migraines and cluster headaches with pepper, he knew that putting pure pepper up your nose wasn’t the right way to use it. The pepper extract had to be put into a form that wouldn't cause too much discomfort or burn. Wayne experiment with capsaicin, the chemical that makes hot peppers hot. A year of research yielded an all natural formula that works with no lingering effects. He called it Sinus Buster – the first capsaicin pepper based nasal spray. It relieves chronic and occasional congestion, chronic sinus and allergy symptoms, cluster, migraine and sinus headaches and a lot more. 

I began using Sinus Buster six weeks ago. I NEVER thought I’d find anything that would clear my sinuses that didn’t need a prescription and had no side effects! Please share this miracle with anyone who can benefit. Sinus Buster is made from capsaicin pepper – all natural, with no known side effects (and there have been clinical trials). It drains the sinuses and clears pressure. I’ve tried everything but nothing helped. Now I can breathe! I have more energy. Everyone I’ve recommended it to has thanked me. So I’m highly recommending it. If you have sinus problems or get bad headaches, at least check out the site. It tells how it all works. I want you all to feel good! They also make other pepper products that I’ll talk about in a later issue. For now, I’ll just say that their skin care products have significantly lightened the lines on my face better than anything I’ve tried. http://www.sinusbuster.com

The Power of NO: Take Back Your Life One Word at a Time

By Susan Newman, Ph.D. author of

The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It—and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever

In today’s busy world, your most valuable commodity is time.  Most of us are pulled in many directions by family, friends, or co-workers.  Favors and requests come your way every day without fail, and too often without thinking, you say, “Yes. Sure. No problem.  I can do that” when you really want to say “no.” 

Refusing someone is rarely easy and is often downright uncomfortable.  But constantly giving in creates anxiety, anger, added stress, regret, and feelings of powerlessness.  One little word will let you take back your life.  The power of “NO” is limitless.  When used properly, the word “no” allows you to stop the yes-habit and start living your life the way YOU want to.

Stepping into NO: The Basics

Before you can say “no” readily, you will need to keep these five basic steps in mind:

1.  Make a list of your yeses over the period of a week.  The number of times you say “yes” may surprise you.  The amount of yeses you are comfortable with will be different for everyone, but the true gauge is how pressured, tight for time, or resentful you feel.

2.  Pay attention to how you parcel out your time.  When your time is well managed, you’ll keep some in reserve for what’s most important to you.

3.  Get your priorities straight.  Decide who it is you want to say yes to, and who has first “crack” at your time. 

4.  Know your limits—start to define them if you don’t know what they are.  Know your emotional and physical limitations.  Keep these limits in mind before you commit your time, your talent, your support or merely your presence. 

5.  Give control to others to ease your responsibilities.  Eliminating the need to run things yourself to be sure they turn out the way you like them relieves much of the pressure you put on yourself. 

Flexing Your “NO Muscle”

Here are a few more thoughts from The Book of NO that will help you start flexing your “NO Muscle:”

• When approached with a request, pause briefly and analyze what is really being asked of you. Make sure you fully understand the magnitude of the job before you blurt out “yes.”

• If you decide to say “yes” to something, be very specific about the amount of time you have to devote to the task, and, if necessary, alter it to make it more manageable.

• Try repeating an affirmation to help you stick to your decisions.  Repeat something like, “I will not give in,” to remind yourself that you deserve to be in control of your time.

Remember, you can say “no” and still remain a caring, committed person.  Don’t fret over the consequences of your “no.”  In general, people don’t think about you as much as you worry about what they think, and if you’ve handled the situation calmly, the backlash will be absent or insignificant.  Remind yourself daily that “no” is liberating and to say it is your right. 

You can say “no” with the best of them!  For more tips, see: www.thebookofno.com

All Men AND Women Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise

Did you ever jump in fast with someone you connected with? It feels good so you go with it. He compliments you a lot – you feel wonderful. She says she isn’t in a rush for commitment – you’re thrilled. He talks about how perfect you are for him and tells you about places he wants to take you – you see future in his words. She accepts that you have a hobby you love that takes up your time and is agreeable when you see your friends – you see her as a secure chick. 

It all feels good as words pour from someone you like. Your insecurity gets nurtured by having someone who seems to like you for you and who lets you know how special you are. Other romantic partners fussed about your outside activities. It’s refreshing to have someone not afraid to express feelings. This must be IT – the person of my dreams, my soulmate. You dive in deeper and deeper. You feel the good vibe but is it real? You’ve only dated for a few weeks. 

I warn people who tell me about the perfect person they just got involved with. Their MO is always the same – “You don’t understand Daylle, this is different.” Sadly, it rarely is. I’ve been there myself and know how it feels. We’re always so sure this person is the right one. We defend him or her. And trust with all our hearts. That leaves us open for serious pain when it crashes and burns, which it usually does. “How can I have been so wrong?” we then lament. Because:

• People are on their best behavior when meeting someone they like.

• We often ignore signs that our perfect new amour isn’t perfect.

• We tolerate things we don’t like when we’re blinded by believing we need someone.

•  Jumping in fast often bypasses the opportunity to slowly develop the friendship that’s critical to a long-term relationship.

• We cut much too much slack to people we don’t know well and accept excuses for inexcusable behavior because we want to believe them

People think that my book All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise is male bashing, but it’s not. The title applies to women too. All people are jerks until proven otherwise. What that means is take a long time to get to know someone and have him or her earn your trust based on their actions, not words. And give it a lot of time before they pass the test! Good behavior can last a while. It’s important to get past the chemistry to see what it’s like between you in real life. 

Remember that all people are jerks until proven otherwise when meeting someone you connect with strongly – to keep your guard up. It tempers setting yourself up for disappointment or getting seriously hurt. Silently repeating all people are jerks until proven otherwise reminds you that someone you’re attracted to may not be what he/she seems. The expression really means don't trust someone until he/she proves they’re for real. Repeating it over and over simmers you down when you begin to heat up. I’ve used it many times and it’s kept me out of trouble.

It’s so easy to get hurt. Been there, done that! The rush of a new romantic possibility is delicious. When you haven’t met someone who rocks your world in a long time, finding one is delightful and exciting. The euphoria buoys to jump in head first, while we only know the fun facets of the person. Unfortunately, romantic excitement also makes us deaf, dumb and blind:

• We don’t listen when friends warn us.

• We don’t speak up when we see things we don’t like or question behavior or ask why his or her words have no follow-through.

• We close our eyes to what we don’t like and concentrate on the goodies we get.

You can avoid a lot of unhappiness by getting real. Keep “all people are jerks until proven otherwise” etched in your brain. Repeat it to yourself when he’s saying words you want to hear or if she’s just blown you away in bed and you’re not thinking straight. “All people are jerks until proven otherwise” remind you that people may not really be what they seem and you should slow down and not take anything too seriously – until a LOT of time passes. What’s the rush? Whatever is meant to be will be, whether you push or not. So slow down, enjoy your new amour, but keep it light and let time pass until they’ve proven otherwise by being consistent, keeping their word regularly and following through with respectful and considerate actions.

Feather Your Nest: Make your home user-friendly. It's not just where you sleep - it's your nest. Whether you live in an apartment, house or room, make it yours. Small touches bring love to your home. I never cared when I just saw my place as where I slept, ate, and threw my things. As I treated it as my sanctuary, it became one, and being home felt more peaceful and pleasant. Make your space a warm haven instead of a reminder of unhappiness. You’re worth it!

Letting Goodies In

Someone needs a favor and you rush to do it. You go out of your way to get a special birthday gift for him. You treat her to dinner regularly. Everyone knows they can count on you. Yet when a friend tries to do something nice for you, you go out of your way to dodge it. What’s the deal? 

Many of us have a problem with allowing people to treat us well. It’s so much easier to give to others. This sends a message that you don’t deserve to be treated well! And why shouldn’t you receive goodies too!?! It’s time to learn to say thank you when someone offers you something – and then shut your mouth fast!  

I recently had lunch with a good friend – one who has done a lot for me. She’s treated me to many meals for any excuse she can find. I know she does it because she loves me. Yet when I tried to pick up the check for a meal to show her love, she got all flustered and balked at my treating her. Didn’t work! : ) I told her she’s soooooooo good at giving but not at receiving and it’s time she learned to get at least somewhat as good as she gives. We all should.

I understand what it’s like to have a hard time receiving. I used to be the consummate giver. If anyone needed something, I was ready to help. And I’d look for ways to do things or buy things for people I liked whenever I could. But if someone tried to treat me or give a gift, I’d get crazy trying to refuse it. That made me feel out of control when kindness was offered and very uncomfortable with receiving. Always doing the giving can feel like control is in your court. But it’s not. You may feel a sense of control because you don’t feel obligated for anything. And many of us give to buy people’s good graces. But that’s not really control, or fair to you. 

In my doormat days I didn’t feel worthy of being on the other end. Giving felt normal while receiving felt awkward. I always repaid kindness tenfold. It became a bad habit that took time and consciousness to break. Since I accepted that I’m terrific and deserve all blessings offered, it’s easier to accept them. I still love giving but it’s unconditional now, not to get people to like me or to have company. Receiving unconditionally is a loving gift to me. You deserve it too! 

Ease yourself onto the receiving end of goodies. The first time I just said thanks and shut my mouth felt weird. But continuing to do it made it easier and I began to enjoy receiving love from others. Giving is a show of caring. Denying someone the opportunity to be nice to you isn’t fair to that person. I insisted that my friend accept my paying the whole check by explaining that she would deny me pleasure by refusing my offer. Don’t do this to people you care about!

What goes around really does come back to you. If you send a message that you can’t receive, be prepared for not getting what you should. It carries into all areas of your life when it comes back. If you act like you don’t want or deserve to receive, you’ll get little. Do affirmations to reinforce receiving – “I am open to receiving lots of goodies.” When I went after sponsorship for my book tour, I said over and over “I am ready to receive all the good that’s possible.” I even shouted it when alone. And I happily received. I’m still open to lots more. LOTS MORE! I call it being in oink mode because I believe that God wants us to be happy and get lots of goodies. We just have to be open to it. “I am ready to receive all of the gifts that the Universe has to offer!”

In each issue I’ll answer a question about how to handle a specific situation. Please send in questions about something that you’d like help with. 

Whose Nice is Nice?

I don’t understand why people don’t always do the right thing. I always try so hard to do right by people but they don’t always do right by me. For example, my neighbor borrowed my hair dryer and I had to go get it back from her. I always return things fast. What’s wrong with people? Gena G.   

My answer: I hear people, especially women, say versions of, “I can’t believe she did that. If it were me, I’d do___.” But they’re not you. That’s reality! And just because you believe you know the right way to handle a situation, it doesn’t mean others have to do it your way. That’s reality too! “If she asked me to go to the doctor with her, I would. How can she turn me down?” Easy. Just because you’d put others ahead of yourself doesn’t mean they have to do it. That’s reality! 

People don’t have to do what you’d do for them. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you. It just may not be convenient. Not doing something the way you’d do it doesn’t make someone wrong. Everyone has a set of values, just as you do. Your way isn’t the only right one. Please accept that instead of stewing about how nobody is as thoughtful as you! If you find yourself feeling this way, perhaps you need to examine whether you just do your best or sacrifice yourself for others. The latter isn’t good for you!

In every issue I’ll include success stories from my readers. Please send in yours. 

I’m Learning to Love Me!

I could not look in the mirror and say anything good about myself—or see anything worth my efforts. Your newsletter has been great! I can now give myself pep talks and tell myself I deserve something good. First I look around and count my blessings—so now I feel good about myself. I take that feeling with me everywhere. And when I look in the mirror I am feeling good about myself and feel deserving of the things I need. It’s improved my outlook and my life! Ellen P. 

I Dumped My Latest Project!

When I read your article on bad relationship patterns I recognized myself. I do tend to end with with needy women who need me. It did make me feel more useful on one level but each drove me crazy on many others. After reading your newsletter, I really thought about how most of my relationships ended because I got disgusted with the women. I also acknowledged that I am insecure and having a woman who needs my help makes me feel more important. But I got nothing from these women accept more to do for them. I’m taking a little time on my own to sort it out. I’ll be more aware in the future of finding a woman who brings more to the table but needing to depend on me. I’m getting ready to take a chance on being with one who wants me because of the man I am, not what I do for her. Gordon M. 

Well, that’s all for this issue. A BIG thank you to Rena Greenberg and Susan Newman for allowing me to include their input. Please write and tell me things you’d like me to write about.

Keep your passions strong! 

With love from,

Daylle

http://www.daylle.com

© 2006 Project Self-Empowerment, LLC