Self-Empowerment Quarterly

a Newsletter for the mind, body and spirit

for men and women  

ISSN 1073-6158                                                                                                             Volume 2 Issue 1

Table of Contents

HAPPINESS EMPOWERMENT

I begin every issue with an article about bringing more happiness into your life. A sincere sense of ongoing joy eludes a majority of people. I want to help change that! Please read this carefully if you don’t want to waste another precious minute of life without feeling contentment and joy when you wake up each day, despite life’s snags. Don’t be one of those who wait until they’re much older and then lament how much they missed. It’s all YOUR choice. This issue I discuss how to keep your protective walls porous in order to take risks that let happiness in NOW.

Lightening Guilt

Guilt is a big happiness buster. We all feel it at least sometimes. Your mom or romantic partner may be especially good at making you take responsibility for what they don’t like. But if you accept it, guilt can eat at you like rust on metal. At first, rust discolors but eventually it breaks down the surface. If it’s allowed to continue, it spreads and makes holes. Guilt does that to your happiness and self-esteem when you let others control what’s right and wrong with you or your behavior. Then you feel unworthy to receive all of life’s goodies. Yet most guilt is unnecessary and unfair to you! Let’s put it into perspective. 

There’s no need to let guilt pervade your life! Happiness can’t thrive amidst guilty feelings. In my doormat days, saying “I’m sorry” was as frequent as saying hello. I rarely knew what I’d done wrong but if something didn’t go right or someone didn’t like my choice or behavior, I figured it was my fault. Many of us are conditioned to feel responsible for the displeasure of others. If we don’t live up to standards that are often too high, we beat ourselves up with guilt. 

Women are “supposed to” nurture everyone and fix problems in a relationship. If your guy treats you wrong, do you believe you must deserve it? NOT! Guys are “supposed to” be providers and earn enough money for his family’s needs. Do feel it’s expected that you protect your family, know how to fix things and handle every situation well? If you don’t make enough money or you make a mistake, does guilt make you feel like a failure? NOT! 

Being human, which you are, makes you imperfect. And not being able to live up to roles or making a mistake (or three) isn’t a good reason to beat yourself with guilt. Yes, just accepting responsibility for something gone badly hurts you. Feeling wrong never feels good. If you purposely hurt someone, it might be warranted for a limited time. But some of us live in it as a lifestyle. It’s hard to be happy if you live in a state of doing wrong. 

Be careful. Guilt is often used to manipulate. Someone wants something and blames you for her unhappiness or his failure so you’ll do what they want. Some moms are pros at laying on the guilt to keep us jumping. But friends, co-workers and lovers also use it for their benefit. If you’re not enlightened, you may give in to soothe bad feelings as you wonder what you did wrong.  

If you want to be self-loving, be fair about whether guilt is necessary. Feeling it often reflects that what someone else thinks is more important than your own perception. Why let her make you guilty for saying “no” because you’re busy? Why allow guilt to be dumped on you for doing something reasonable that he doesn’t like? You don’t have to accept what someone decides you should or shouldn’t do. You’re responsible for you just as others are responsible for their choices. 

It’s your choice to accept guilt if you did nothing wrong or said “no” to something not right for you. Why let other people’s opinions override yours? Why punish yourself for not being perfect? Why let guilt dilute your happiness if it’s not your fault? Reframe the thought that creates guilt into a fair perspective about your role in what makes you feel guilty. For example: 

     * “I feel guilty not helping her.” can be “I’m sorry I couldn’t help but I have no time.” 

     * “I let my buddy down” can be “I can only be in one place at a time and while I wanted to be there for my buddy, I had to be there for myself.” 

     * “I wasn’t able to give him what he needed” can be “I can only do my best.”  

     * “I broke her heart” can be “There’s no easy way to break up with someone but I had to do it and wish I didn’t have to hurt her in the process but that’s life.” 

It’s hard to break guilt habits, but you can. It’s your choice to let guilt ruin your day so practice choosing not to! If someone blames their troubles or unhappiness on you, do you reassure yourself or wallow in bad feelings, even if you don’t understand how you’re responsible? Consciously evaluate whatever makes you feel guilty and if you realistically deserve it.  

Not giving someone their way when you have no obligation to isn’t wrong, unless what they think is more important than your view. Be honest about whether or not guilt is warranted. Pay attention to what triggers it and change your perception of the situation. If someone tries to instill guilt, remember that you’re a good person who can’t do it all. Guilt is self-punishment. Love yourself enough to skip that! If you feel guilt brewing, ask yourself: 

- Did I purposely hurt them?  If the answer is no, think about why you feel so guilty. Not jumping when someone wants something from you doesn’t make you wrong or bad.  

- Was what I did in my best interest? Often people would prefer you do what’s in their best interest. But that doesn’t make you wrong when you take care of you. 

- Did I try my best?    If that wasn’t enough to satisfy someone, oh well! That’s all you can do. And you shouldn’t feel guilty if you can’t be what others would like you to be. 

- Was I truly wrong or is someone trying to make me feel that way? I’ve found selfish people are first to call others selfish – to guilt them into giving in to their requests. Be objective instead of worrying so much. Not doing it his/her way doesn’t call for guilt.  

- Have I done something that warrants ruining my day with guilt? Did you commit a crime? Screw someone over? If your intentions were good and you accept you can’t be everything to everyone, there’s no need to suffer for not being perfect in someone else’s eyes. Guilt won’t make the person more satisfied or undo a situation so move on from it! 

When you forget to do something, don’t have time to help a friend, say something inappropriate, or do anything that brings on the ol’ guilt vibes, put it into perspective:

• Feel bad it happened for the moment.

• Apologize if necessary

• Forgive yourself for being human

• Let it go

You can’t be everything for everyone, including yourself. Stopping guilt in its tracks is a loving act that makes your perception most important. If you can’t see how you’re at fault, affirm, “I did nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel guilty.” As you trust your judgment more, you’ll have fewer reasons to go there. Accept that you’re a good person and don’t owe everybody what they’d like. Forgive your mistakes. Let guilt take a back seat to self-love. That keeps you keeps your happiness factor at a smiling kind of level. 

There will be a confidence booster in each issue. Confidence is a big key to getting what you desire. Nobody is born with good self-confidence. We all have insecurities. Some people grew up in an environment that boosted their self-esteem and nurtured confidence. More didn’t.

Power Shaking: 

Handshakes come in many varieties. Each sends a message about you and your level of confidence. I shake a lot of hands in my travels and admit that the way it’s done forms an impression of the person. Yet it’s easy to make a good one if you’re conscious of your method. Even if you’re scared to death, you can let people feel confidence in your handshake.  

When someone gives me a firm handshake, I look at the person with more respect. It tells me that they take themselves seriously enough to put some clout in it. A limp noodle shake makes you seem insecure, whether you are or not. One that barely touches the hand can make you seem aloof as a person. Firm and sure gives you a warmer image. Shake hands like you mean it. Don’t be afraid to put some oomph into it. This is something everyone can control. It can help you feel more confident in situations that you’re nervous in.

I’ll repeat this in every issue. Taking care of your body is a gift of love to you. Being healthy makes you feel better. This doesn’t mean striving for a perfect body or impressing a romantic partner. Create better nutritional habits; take vitamins/supplements and exercise for YOU! When you focus on being healthy, you give yourself love!

Trimming Portion Size with Less Pain

So you want to lose some weight? I sure do! It’s easy to read all the tips given for knocking the extra pudgies out of your belly and another to actually implement them into your lifestyle. Obviously, one thing that helps is eating smaller portions. I used to hear that a lot but when I ate less, I didn’t feel satisfied. Then I used my baby-steppin’ technique on food and it helped me to eat a lot less – over time. Slowly reducing what you eat and drink helps you cut back without feeling deprived or having to give up all the foods you love.  

When you lift weights, you know you can’t lift a heck of a lot more at your next session in the gym. You need to work up to it. I now can bench press 25-pound dumbbells. I’m told that’s a lot for a girl but I wanted to get strong so I slowly began adding more and more weight, allowing myself to get used to each level before adding more. I began to do that with food in the other direction by cutting down on the amount I eat, and still feeling satisfied.   

Pay attention to how much you have of each food item. Consciously find ways to slowly have a little less. For example, I wanted to get used to enjoying things less sweet. I began by cutting back on artificial sweetener in my morning coffee. At first I used a whole one in my mug and began by leaving just a little in the packet. I barely noticed a difference but kept it like that for a week until it tasted normal. Then just a little more was held back and I got used to it. Now one packet a week is enough. It took months to but I’m used to coffee tasting much less sweet.  

I began to do the same thing with food. I love a bagel with peanut butter for breakfast on the weekend and refuse to give it up. So I began to pull a small piece out of the middle before eating it. When I didn’t miss it, I took some out of the other half. The following weekend I removed a slightly bigger piece from one half. I never really missed what I tossed in the garbage because it was only a small amount each time. Months later, I now eat the bagel with everything possible scooped out from the inside. And I enjoy it just as much! 

Use this method to cut back on your total intake. It begins with awareness of your portions and a commitment to slowly but steadily cut back. Don’t get carried away and cut too much or you’ll miss it. I still try to remove even a little something from my food before I begin to eat it. And don’t cut veggies or other healthy stuff! Here are tips for making it easier to trim your eating. 

        * Stop thinking of yourself as a human vacuum cleaner or eating for the starving kids of the world. You don’t have to finish everything on your plate! A child in a foreign country won’t suffer more if you toss some pasta or a piece of cookie into the garbage.  

        * If you make pasta or rice for just yourself, take out what you’d normally cook and put a few pieces back. If you’re taking a portion from a bowl of it, take a little bit less than usual and forget about it. You’ll feel full after anyway! Next time take just a little less.  

        * Replace a small amount of less healthy food with extra veggies and beans. I make pasta primavera. As I slowly decreased the pasta, I slowly increased the amount of vegetables and threw in a handful of chickpeas, which are super healthy. Now I eat half as much pasta but it’s the same amount of food. Just less calories and healthier. I used to buy a quarter pound of turkey in the deli and have a sandwich. Now I buy a little more and divide it in 2. I have half with a piece of avocado spread on whole grain toast. No need for mayo and I feel fuller with the avocado and it’s a healthy fat. 

        * Count what you can. I have a handful of almonds every afternoon – a very healthy snack but they’re also full of calories. So I counted how many I took. Then I had one less for a week. Then I had another one less. I started with 23 a day. Now I have 13. I still find them satisfying as I weaned myself to fewer, one by one. 

        * Force yourself to chew your food s-l-o-w-l-y. That will help your digestion and also take you longer to finish, so it feels like you’ve eaten more. Sometimes when I wait too long to eat, I want to devour my food. But the faster I eat, the more I want. So I tell myself to slow down. I savor each bit and enjoy my food more.  

        * In restaurants, request an extra plate or a take-out box when you order. Immediately put some of your food on the plate or into the box. Even if it’s not enough for a whole meal, add other things at home. Or ask the waiter to take the plate away if seeing it tempts you. If you normally have 2 rolls, pull a piece off and put it out of reach. Eventually you’ll get used to less. Share fattening things you’d normally have like French fries and dessert.  

        * Feel in control by never cleaning your plate. When I leave a little of what I like, I feel very empowered! You’ll forget about it as soon as the plate is gone. 

        * Divide a yummy dish into several meals. For example, I love chicken parmigiana. It’s fattening but I want it in a restaurant occasionally. Instead of eating till I’m stuffed, I put 2/3 aside with a reasonable amount of pasta and eat all my salad and veggies. It’s really enough. Then I freeze the rest in 2 portions. I add veggies and salad for each portion.  

        * Get into the habit of nipping a small piece off of almost everything fattening that you eat. That cuts back your calorie intake for the day. If you do it before you start, you won’t miss it at the end. I even toss a little ice cream off when I treat myself to an ice cream cone. I’ve forgotten it by the time I finish.  

        * Don’t cut back more until you’re used to and satisfied with what you’re eating now. Even if you have to wait weeks until you stop noticing the smaller portion, wait. Little by little puts more notches in your belt. 

        * As you very gradually decrease the amount of calorie-laden foods you eat, the smaller portions will become normal to you. Cutting back doesn’t have to be painful. I’m amazed at how much less I eat now when I remember my old portions. If I’d cut out a lot of the bagel fast, I’d have felt hungry after – mentally! I marvel at how much less I eat with no angst. Not rushing to cut back creates good habits that stick. Ultimately, it will give you a real sense of control over food, which is a true act of self-love.

Taking good care of your health is loving. Dr. Michael Feuerstein took control of his own health care when diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. He shares some of his tips for being your own health activist.

EMPOWERING STEPS TO IMPROVE HEALTH AND WELL BEING

© 2006, Michael Feuerstein, printed with permission

By Michael Feuerstein, PhD, MPH, ABPP

co-author of The Cancer Survivor’s Guide: The Handbook to Life After Cancer

In June of 2002 I was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. My doctors said it couldn’t be removed by surgery and I needed radiation and a year of chemotherapy. Because I help others with chronic medical problems, I was able to use what I learned during 25 years as a clinical health psychologist. What can you do to maximize your health and quality of life? 

Make sure you get the first rate quality health care needed. Evaluate what you now get, like you would with your car. Ask yourself, “Am I getting the care I need? Can I tell my doctor what is wrong? Does he or she really listen? Do I get the help and advice I need with a problem?” Those of us with chronic illnesses often cannot get all health problems totally fixed, but we can do more to help ourselves. Does your doctor help you do that? This is very important for achieving a greater sense of health related self-empowerment.  

Mistakes are made in medicine daily that can make us more ill or even kill us. Do something about it when you can. The wrong medicine can be given or the wrong procedures implemented – double check that yours is right. It is your health! When possible, ask, ” are you sure this is the medicine I was prescribed or is this the right dose for my weight or age?” Be an active participant in your health care! 

Conduct research on your own. You can get information about your problem and its treatment to discuss with your doctors and learn how to read actual research studies and ask specific questions, especially regarding effectiveness of a proposed action, its side effects, and other considerations. Use only reliable sources. The Internet is a great resource but has a lot of junk. Be discriminating.  

Be an active problem solver. Systematically look at a problem, think about why you might have it and find more than one solution. Try the one that seems most reasonable and evaluate whether it actually helped. If it is not solved –don’t quit. Repeat the process until you are satisfied with the outcome. Don’t give up. I use this approach when faced with a health problem.   

After my brain radiation I could not hear as well as before. Doctors said I needed to live with it. I felt a blockage / pressure behind in my right ear and used the problem solving approach to pursue it. I received a hearing test and an ENT consult. There was fluid behind my ear from the radiation. Once it was drained I could hear again! I stayed with it until I found a positive solution. We need to actively pursue solutions. Sometimes things don’t get totally solved but can get better than they were.  

It is very common to focus on an illness and not on your overall health. Make sure you have routine preventive health checkups for diabetes, high blood pressure, cholesterol etc. As hard as it might be, get the physical exercise needed to stay healthy, eat right and sleep soundly. Research found that not getting exercise or optimal sleep affects memory, pain, and energy levels for those with illnesses. So be careful. Changing health habits is not easy. We need to have a plan of action to figure out how to make change happen. Start any change in your habits one step at a time and set up a plan.  

Identify risky situations where you may fall off the plan and learn to work around these. Evaluate what seems to make staying with an exercise program so hard and problem-solve to eliminate or work around the situation. For example if stress at work keeps you beyond the time you want to leave to do exercise, try to reduce stress at work to allocate time. You may relapse on and off, even over the long term, but it is usually easier to get back on. Research shows that involving a professional such as a nutritionist or a structured group like Weight Watchers helps.     

Don’t be afraid of complimentary and alternative medicine approaches, such as acupuncture, massage, relaxation and meditation. Some doctors frown upon them but they can help things such as pain, fatigue, and stress. Cognitive behavior therapies can help depression, anxiety and quality of life by teaching what to do and ways to rethink events in your life that challenge you and eliminate or better manage stress. Support from family, friends, coworkers and even strangers can be solicited when it seems appropriate and helps. For example, ask someone to come to a doctor’s appointment with you and take notes or sit with a friend or family member and talk about how you feel about some things.  

Use these approaches when you need to and evaluate for yourself whether something you do differently is really helping. If it isn’t, try something else. There is no magic bullet that will always be effective but empowerment is all about trying new things. Your body and mind will thank you.  

Michael Feuerstein, Ph.D., MPH, ABPP is co-author of The Cancer Survivor’s Guide: The Handbook to Life After Cancer (Marlow 2006). He’s an internationally known clinical psychologist and a faculty member of Uniformed Services University of Health and Sciences and Georgetown University Medical Center. His book helps you learn to read medical studies, find lower cost care, use alternative medicine, identify reliable sources of health information and MUCH more. This book is a fabulous resource to be your own health care advocate or help someone you love navigate the health care system. When you feel in control of your health, you can conquer many obstacles! http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/sitb-next/1569243328

Workplace Relationships

By Debra Mandel, Ph.D.

© 2006, Debra Mandel, Ph.D., printed with permission

According to CareerWomen.com, 66 percent of women who are unhappy at work attribute it to their relationships with coworkers. People like these suffer because they continually get sucked into needless workplace drama—with coworkers, bosses, subordinates, and clients. In doing so, they’re usually replicating problems they had with parents, siblings, or others in childhood. Once ensnarled, they don’t have the knowledge or tools necessary to escape these traps.

As a clinical psychologist with more than twenty years of experience, I’ve worked with hundreds of people whose unhealed childhood bruises have caused them problems in the workplace. Although most of us understand that “old stuff” can affect intimate relationships, we’re caught off guard when they affect workplace interactions. Nevertheless, once those familiar buttons get pushed, we may transform our overbearing boss into a bullying older brother, or respond to the judgmental coworker as though she is the parent who failed to applaud us for our achievements.

Mind you, unhealed hurts don’t have to be the result of blatantly abusive experiences. Millions of people walk around unaware that events from childhood might still affect them today. For instance, Jenny had grown up realizing that her parents loved her, even though they weren’t demonstratively affectionate toward her or generous in their praise. She hadn’t realized until she was in her thirties that she ached for approval from others because she had never been given enough strokes as a youth. In the workplace, she unknowingly played out this emotional lack by being an excessive people-pleaser, which caused her to lose the respect of her coworkers. Yes, her parents did love her, but they missed the boat when it came to fulfilling this very important developmental need. In fact, most people’s emotional “bruises” come from well-intended caregivers who did the best they could in raising. As a result, it’s often very difficult for people to acknowledge their old hurts—let alone understand how these affect them in the present.

Regardless of how a wound came about, if it’s still sore—consciously or unconsciously—it’s bound to wreak havoc in the workplace. Ask yourself the following questions to see whether you have old bruises manifesting in the workplace:

   1. Do you expect coworkers, bosses, or employees to be your friends?

   2. Do you expect or wish that coworkers, bosses, or employees would grant you special favors when you perform below standard, such as when you’ve been out sick, shown up late, or missed a deadline?

   3. Do you wish that your boss or coworkers appreciated you more?

   4. Do you take responsibility for the workload of others who are slacking off?

   5. Do you have a fear of conflict that keeps you from speaking up about unfairness?

   6. Do you censor yourself because you fear being fired or hurting someone’s feelings?

   7. Do you go out of your way to befriend people in the workplace whom you would not want to be friends with outside of the workplace?

   8. Do you envy other people’s success?

   9. Do you have trouble keeping boundaries with your coworkers (e.g., you let them know things about your personal life that have nothing to do with your work situation)?

   10. Do you feel hurt or become defensive when you receive criticism about your work performance?

   11. Do you ever feel that others in your field judge you harshly even when no one has voiced criticism?

   12. Do you have difficulty not thinking about your work or the workplace when you are supposed to be enjoying free time?

   13. Do you have difficulty evaluating your own job performance?

   14. Do you become argumentative with coworkers, bosses, or employees?

   15. Do you believe you are not living up to your full potential?

   16. Do you keep yourself from excelling in the presence of others for fear of their envy or jealousy?

   17. Do you let others make decisions for you, even when your gut tells you it’s the wrong choice for you?

   18. Do you have difficulty saying “no” to unreasonable requests from coworkers, bosses, or employees?

   19. Do you withhold your honest opinions about work-related issues for fear that you’ll be disliked? 

If you answered “yes” to any of the above, you most likely have old stuff interfering with your ability to thrive in the workplace. But don’t despair! You can heal your bruises and eliminate drama by applying the following tips. 

   1. Identify and acknowledge how your bruises affect you in the workplace, eliminating shame and judgment.

   2. Transform adversity into a resource by recognizing that whatever you’ve endured has made you a stronger person.

   3. Take responsibility for your life in the present by becoming your own good caregiver rather than wait for others to fill in the gaps. Don’t blame others for what you didn’t get in childhood.

   4. Create healthy boundaries. Learn how to say “no,” “yes,” or “maybe” as is appropriate to the requests of others.

   5. Empower yourself by embracing the notion that you are in charge of your own choices. Acknowledge that very rarely are we true victims in adulthood.

   6. Recognize that you are only responsible for your own feelings and actions. Don’t burden yourself with trying to control what others do, say, or think.

   7. Practice ongoing self-care. Be kind to yourself, create balance between work, play and rest, and regularly acknowledge the value of your contributions. 

By practicing these tips you can create better relationships in the workplace. Granted, others whom you encounter may not be repairing their wounds as you are, but you can still keep the energy more positive by having a good handle on your own behavior. And, should you find yourself getting stuck, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Thrivers use all possible resources! 

Debra Mandel, Ph.D., renowned psychologist, columnist, speaker, media expert is the author of Your Boss Is Not Your Mother: Eight Steps to Eliminating Office Drama and Creating Positive Relationships and Work (Agate, 2006), Healing the Sensitive Heart and two CDs Creating Healthy Boundaries in the Workplace and The Abuser Friendly Syndrome. She has appeared on multiple national television and radio programs, and has hosted her own radio show. Visit Dr. Debra on the web at www.drdebraonline.com. She practices out of Thousand Oaks and Encino CA. Contact her at dmdoc@earthlink.net or 818.335.6309 or 310.477.4849

Gender Benders

Traditional roles between the sexes have been undergoing some drastic changes. Women are now told they can do anything they choose and men are told it’s cool to show their “feminine side.” But just encouraging us to break stereotypes doesn’t automatically make us comfortable with adopting new ways of handling situations. Both sexes are trying to figure out how to act since many of us are still uncomfortable seeing the opposite sex in new roles. 

Women were traditionally caretakers – responsible for maintaining the home and raising the kids. Men were providers – having a job that supported the family, being the stronger sex and protecting women from harm. Both sexes traditionally try to fix each other but in different ways – women try to change a guy into the man she believes he should be and men want to fix our problems. I find that both sexes are more confused than ever about how to act.  

It’s not necessary to become a new person because you’re getting new messages. Figuring out who to be and how to act these days is hard and confusing. A recent White House study said that all the self-empowerment messages telling girls they can do anything actually lowers self-esteem in many. If you don’t feel confident, you can feel even less adequate if told you can do anything but believe you can’t. And men who try to be more sensitive have their sexual orientation questioned or women ignore them for romance. If you’re encouraged to do one thing but get a negative response to it, how can you know what to do?  

      * Guys say they find independent women very attractive yet women who make an effort at being strong and independent say they scare guys away. It’s true. I can take care of myself and guys find that intimidating. But that’s who I am and I can wait for the one who’s comfortable with a chick like me. Secure men understand that even independent women need support. We just don’t need to be fixed! 

      * Many women get turned off when a guy breaks down into emotional expressions, which is confusing when they say they want a more sensitive guy. Extremes aren’t healthy. I can’t stand being with anyone who’s overly emotional as a lifestyle – man or woman. Getting in touch with your emotions is allowing yourself to consciously feel some of them instead of stifling anger, fear, and even great joy. But you can do it a little at time. The more you feel comfortable with your feelings, the more others will too.  

     * Some woman who make good strides at work say they’re made to feel less feminine. Only YOU can make yourself feel that way! I stand up for myself and do things many women don’t try, but heck, I know I’m 100% woman. I agree that some men feel emasculated when a chick does high-powered things or makes more money. But that’s his problem, not yours. You can be soft and feminine and still take tough stands and get the job done.  

     * Some guys let their woman handle more decision-making but say they feel insecure because it seems like she doesn’t need him. We still need you guys! Just in healthier ways. Men often try to overcompensate with a need to be in control. You can take control of you but will create conflicts if you try to control your partner.  

     * Test new waters without diving in. If you’re with someone you trust, be honest about how confused you are. If something feels weird, slow down! Ease into new roles at your own pace. As you do: 

     * Don’t change the essence of who you are. Be true to you and not society’s concept of what you should be.

     * Take small steps toward being the man or woman you’d like to grow into.

     * Watch people you admire and see how they handle roles you’d like to try. Then emulate some of their techniques. 

     * The more women who empower themselves and take charge of their lives, the more men will get used to women with power. The more men express what they feel, the easier it will be to continue doing it and the more natural it will seem to women. Take some risks to step outside of stereotypes so you can develop into the person you’d like to be. And don’t forget to stop judging others who do their own thing.

Hang your photo: Find a photo of yourself at a very happy period of your life as a reminder of how good being happy feels. Hang it somewhere that you see it often. Let it motivate you to make that happy child a happy adult!

Refusing to Accept the Obvious

If someone calls you a loser, does that make you one? Not if you don’t accept what they say as truth. Too often situations appear and we go with the flow, even if the tide is going in a troubled direction. When you expect results based on what circumstances indicate, you become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe with all my heart that God wants us to have positive experiences and rewards. Therefore, my strong faith has taught me to challenge what seems like obvious outcomes. When I’m staunch in my refusal to believe the obvious, God never lets me down.   

My favorite way of dealing with obvious negatives is to say firmly, “I know how this looks but I refuse to accept it!” It didn’t matter that everyone said my car’s oil leak was under its motor mounts when I broke down driving across the country. I heard gloomy assessments from men who stopped to help and the mechanics I went to. No doubt it was a job that would take days and cost a fortune. Well I didn’t have days or extra cash. The first 2 mechanics said they couldn’t even do it. I asked them to call others. They finally called Bob, at Bob’s Auto in Streetsboro OH where we were stranded. He agreed to help right away, bless his heart!  

Bob agreed with the diagnosis of a serious problem. All the while I kept saying, “I know how bad this looks but refuse to accept that it’s a major job to fix the car.” When I told that to Bob, he looked at me like I was a bit crazy not to accept the obvious. I told God that night that I was counting on Him to support my intention. Bob called in the morning, in shock. Seems he found a crack in an oil pan that caused all the problems and fixed it easily. The car was fine! All those guys who knew better than me said one thing but my conviction manifested a better outcome. 

I do this all the time to have better weather than forecasted when I need it. I’ve refused to accept a predicted snowstorm on the day of a seminar I was giving and it was sunny. “I know that a snowstorm is headed for New York but I refuse to accept that it will come this weekend.” Then I hear the weatherman talk of a crazy fluke that sent the storm out to sea.  

Recently, my doc found a lump in my breast. She got all serious and implored me to get it checked fast. I just babbled on about how I was fine. Doc said I should take it seriously. I did, but refused to accept that it could be cancer. Absolutely refused. She was perturbed that I wasn’t upset or asking lots of questions. I had to wait ten days to see a radiologist. I only told my sister because I didn’t want to create drama for nothing. I kept thanking God for my good health and cancer-free body.  

During that ten days I had special things happen. It felt like the synergy in my life kept working for me, in the form of things working out in ways I didn’t expect and timing for some important things going better than usual. Each time something went exceptionally well, I knew it was God letting me know He was with me. The more I felt His love, the less I thought about my lump. The radiologist confirmed it was nothing.   

Too often our acceptance of a situation becomes our truth. The weatherman predicts rain and you expect it to happen. Watch out because it’s a bad flu season! People wait to get sick. I expect to stay healthy and do. My glass is always half full instead of half empty. After 9/11, people were depressed about how terrible our world was. I walked through the streets of New York and rejoiced in all the wonderful people who came together to help victims and get the city back on its feet. When you believe that a bad outcome is inevitable, it is. When you refuse to accept it no matter what circumstances suggest, you open yourself to more positive results.

In each issue I’ll answer a question about how to handle a specific situation. Please send in questions about something that you’d like help with. 

Abusive Women

My wife has a terrible temper and lashes out when she’s angry. I’d never hit a woman but she sometimes slugs me. What can I do?  George L. 

My answer: Male abuse is a lot more common than many would think. Women sometimes don’t know healthy outlets for their anger and frustration so they erupt and can get violent. Men are taught never to hurt a woman but don’t have defense tactics. So the women continue to abuse their guys who are embarrassed to talk to anyone about it. I’ve had clients for counseling who’ve experienced this. It’s unacceptable behavior that men shouldn’t tolerate, just as women shouldn’t tolerate abuse.  

Hitting back is also unacceptable, unless you have to fight to protect yourself. But it’s better to find ways to deal with it before you’re in a position to hit or get hit. Talk to her when she’s calm. Tell her firmly that she must stop using you as a punching bag and should get some help dealing with her emotions. Leave the room as soon as she starts to get upset. If you have bruises, take photos. Tell her you’re going to report her to the police, and do it. Talk to someone you trust for support. And if it continues, don’t try to deal with this irrational behavior in a rational way, or to fix her. Leave! Leave! Leave! Find a support group with other men who’ve had the same experience. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you’re being abused. They have advice for men too! 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

In every issue I’ll include success stories from my readers. Please send in yours. 

I said NO!

I said NO to a friend who always asks for favors. Susan Newman’s tips in the spring Self-Empowerment Quarterly spurred me to stop the pattern. After reading the article I realized I felt very resentful to Sharon. She likes to put me on the spot so I have to do what she wants. But now I understand that I really don’t have to let her. Yes was an automatic response up until a month ago – to anyone who wanted anything. Yet I heard lots of nos – and excuses – when I needed something. Now I think first when I’m asked for a favor. The first time I turned one down I held my breath. Nothing bad happened. I’m happy to have more time for me and like feeling in control over who I give time to!  Shakeela M. 

She was a jerk and I finally saw it!

I had a thing for Camille for months. We work together. I got up the nerve to invite her to a concert. She said she’d love to go and told me how sweet I was. Camille kissed me goodnight on the cheek and I was thrilled. She explained she had family obligations and didn’t have much time for social activities. I treated her to lunch many times at work but her weekends were never free. When I got tickets for something that interested her, she managed to find time, always telling me how much she liked me and hoped that one day she’d be able to be with me more. She seemed so sincere so I kept trying to lure her out by spending money. Friends warned me but I refused to listen that this sweet girl would play me. But she did! 

When I read your article on how both sexes could be jerks, I didn’t want to see Camille as one. But it became harder to believe that the only time Camille could make was when I was spending a good amount of money. That hurt but I paid more attention. After she accepted a date with me to the theater, I told her at the last minute there was a problem with the tickets so let’s just hang out. She found a reason to cancel. I began to accept that it was just one-sided between us. She always had to get home right after so there was never time for even kissing. I stopped inviting Camille out. When she brought it up I told her why. She called ME a jerk but I knew who really was one! After getting over my infatuation with Camille, I’m meeting nicer women who appreciate me for me. Lenny B.

Well, that’s all for this issue. A BIG thank you to Michael Feuerstein and Debra Mandel for allowing me to include their input. Please write and tell me things you’d like me to write about and send in your questions and success stories.

Keep your passions strong! 

With love from,

Daylle

http://www.daylle.com

© 2006 Project Self-Empowerment, LLC