Self-Empowerment Tips & Tools

an e-zine for the mind, body and spirit, for men and women  

ISSN 1073-6158                                                                                                             Volume 2 Issue 4

Table of Contents

1. HAPPINESS EMPOWERMENT

I begin every issue with an article about bringing more happiness into your life. A sincere sense of ongoing joy eludes a majority of people. I want to help change that! Please read this carefully if you don’t want to waste another precious minute of life without feeling contentment and joy when you wake up each day, despite life’s snags. Don’t be one of those who wait until they’re much older and then lament how much they missed. It’s all YOUR choice. This issue I discuss how to keep your protective walls porous in order to take risks that let happiness in NOW. 

Fifth Mediation: Imagine
Reprinted from Tal Ben-Shahar's new book, HAPPIER, with permission from McGraw-Hill.

You are one hundred and ten years old. A time machine has just been invented, and you are selected as one of the first people to use it. The inventor, a scientist from NASA, tells you that you will be transported back to the day when, as it happens, you first read Happier. You, with the wisdom of having lived and experienced life, have fifteen minutes to spend with your younger and less experienced self. What do you say when you meet? What advice do you give yourself?

I formulated this thought experiment after reading an account by psychiatrist Irvin Yalom of terminally ill patients:

“An open confrontation with death allows many patients to move into a mode of existence that is richer than the one they experienced prior to their illness. Many patients report dramatic shifts in life perspectives. They are able to trivialize the trivial, to assume a sense of control, to stop doing things they do not wish to do, to communicate more openly with families and close friends, and to live entirely in the present rather than in the future or the past. As one’s focus turns from the trivial diversions of life, a fuller appreciation of the elemental factors in existence may emerge: the changing seasons, the falling leaves, the last spring, and especially, the loving of others. Over and over we hear our patients say, ‘Why did we have to wait until now, till we are riddled with cancer, to learn to value and appreciate life?’”

What struck me when I read accounts of terminally ill patients, whether by Yalom or others, is that following the news of their disease the patients were still the same people with the same knowledge of life’s questions and answers, with the same cognitive and emotional capacities. No one descended from Mt. Sinai presenting them with commandments on how to live; no Chinese, Indian or Greek sage revealed to them the secrets to the good life; no one gave them mind- or heart-enhancing drugs; they did not discover a new and revolutionary self-help book that changed their lives.

Yet, with the capacities they always had—which seemed to be inadequate in making them happy before—their lives changed. They gained no new knowledge but, rather, an acute awareness of what they knew all along. In other words, they had within them the knowledge of how they should live life. It was just that they ignored this knowledge or were not conscious of it.

What the time-travel thought experiment does is make us aware of life’s brevity and preciousness. Granted, a hundred-and-ten-year-old has more experience—and there are no shortcuts in terms of gaining much of the wisdom that a full life can give us—but some of what we become aware of if we are lucky enough to live to be one hundred and ten we already know when we are fifty or even twenty. It is a matter of awareness. George Bernard Shaw’s quip notwithstanding, youth does not need to be wasted on the young.

TIME-IN: Have you had experiences that made you reevaluate your priorities? Did you follow up on your new insights or understanding?

There is very little that any philosophy, psychology, or self-help book can teach us that is new about attaining the ultimate currency. The most a book or teacher can do is to help raise our awareness, to help us become more fully in touch with what we already know. Ultimately, our progress, our growth, and our happiness come from our ability to look within ourselves and ask the important questions.

EXERCISE **ADVICE FROM YOUR INNER SAGE: Do the exercises just described. Imagine that you are one hundred and ten years old or significantly older than you are now. Take fifteen minutes to give yourself advice on how to give yourself more happiness in your life, starting at this point. Do the exercise in writing. As much as possible, ritualize the advice. If, for instance, your older self advises you to spend more time with your family, commit to an additional weekly or biweekly family outing.

Return to this exercise regularly—look at what you wrote, add to it, and ask yourself whether you have taken the advice of your inner sage.
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Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D is an author and lecturer at Harvard University. He currently teaches the largest course at Harvard on "Positive Psychology" and the third largest on "The Psychology of Leadership." Tal consults and lectures around the world to executives in multi-national corporations, the general public, and at-risk populations about happiness, self-esteem, resilience, goal setting, mindfulness, and leadership. Definitely check out his new bestselling book, Happier and see why people flock to him to improve their happiness. http://tinyurl.com/2csemx

Confidence is a big key to getting what you desire. Nobody is born with good self-confidence. We all have insecurities. Some people grew up in an environment that boosted their self-esteem and nurtured confidence. More didn’t. But you can develop some! 

Dress the Part.Do you get up and throw on whatever is most convenient or do you think about what you to wear? Clothes can feel good or reflect a lack of self-caring. When clothing fits the image you want to convey, it reinforces confidence. Notice how different styles feel. I don’t mean getting dressed up. The important this is dressing to enhance, not detract from, who you are. If you’re a musician and feel great in jeans and a t-shirt, by all means wear that. But even the most grungy music stars put some time into looking the right kind of grungy. Feeling good about how you look can increase confidence.

I’ve thrown anything on to do errands and hoped I wouldn’t see anyone I knew. That’s silly! Now I’m a bit fussier. You never know who you might bump into. Once I chose better than bummy clothes for errands and passed Bill, who I’d dated until he disappeared. There he was, smiling, saying how great I looked, asking if I remembered him. Had I been in bummy clothes, I’d have stammered and ducked away quickly. Instead, I smiled sweetly and said in a flip manner, “You’re the one who blew me off.” He was stunned as I confidently said, “see ya.” Walking away felt great as he stood mouth open. It illustrated how much appearance stokes confidence.

In business situations, people respect you more if you look professional. While it’s unfair, people do judge you by how you look. If you got to a presentation wearing a suit that fits well, you’ll get taken more seriously. I’m a very casual girl but have my more “grown up” clothes for meetings and lunches with people on a business level. When I put them on, I do feel more like a businesswoman than I do in jeans and flip-flops. Know the right time to be casual and when you should put more effort into your appearance. And get into a habit of thinking before you dress. Experiment to find what makes you feel good and you can have a more confident demeanor.

I’ll repeat this in every issue. Taking care of your body is a gift of love to you. Being healthy makes you feel better. This doesn’t mean striving for a perfect body or impressing a romantic partner. Create better nutritional habits, take vitamins/supplements and exercise for YOU! When you focus on being healthy, you give yourself love! 

Fat-Free Can Make You Fat & Unhealthy!

Fat talk makes many people think that fat in food is our enemy. That’s so not true! People tell me they’re on a fat free diet and don’t understand why they haven’t lost weight. Or worse, they’ve gained weight! Ultimately, it’s total calorie intake that determines whether or not you take off pounds. Many fat-free products are deceiving—often lots of sugar add in place of fat.

My favorite brand of peanut butter has 190 calories in two tablespoons. I once bought their reduced fat version. YUCK! It tasted awful. And guess what? It still had 190 calories since there was more sugar. So I ate something I didn’t like without benefits! Like with peanut butter, a lower or fat free version of food may not taste as good. It also gives a false sense of eating something healthier, which can lead to eating more fat free cookies or chips than you normally would. Do I need to explain why that doesn’t aid weight loss?!

In order to eat healthier, make reading labels a habit. Catch-phrases like “reduced fat” or “all natural” don’t make a product healthier or better for your diet. And keep in mind that fat isn’t your enemy. Look at labels to see how many grams of fat there are and what kind it is. You need fat in your diet to function properly—the right ones. Fat helps build cells. Just like a car needs oil to run properly, so do you. Fat also helps your body absorb nutrients from food and vitamins. Without it, popping pills may be for nought. Pay attention to how many calories something has and what kind of fat it is so you can get what you need for optimum good health.

Focus on eating healthy fats. Some actually help lower cholesterol. Flaxseed oil is good for dry eyes and much more. Omega 3 oils have anti-aging benefits. Olive oil has a gazillion healthy reasons. But be careful when sautéing and frying. Even healthy fats can turn unhealthy if you heat them to the point of smoking. High heats can create unhealthy by-products. So be careful not to overheat oil. Some have a higher tolerance to heat than others. You can get more info on heating oils and other helpful facts at http://tinyurl.com/ysq5zw

Most nuts and seeds have healthier fat. I saw a recent study where both groups ate the same but one added a large handful of almonds to their diet every day. The almond group lost more weight! Almonds have properties that make them helpful for dieting. I have some every afternoon. I’ll do a whole article on the benefits of nuts in a future issue.

Eating fat can help you lose weight by making you feel more satisfied. That helps you eat less in general. I nibble a spoonful of peanut butter when I get cravings between meals and it’s usually enough. Another good source of healthy fat is avocados. I spread some on my bread as a substitute for mayo on turkey and other sandwiches. Edamame (soy beans) also have great benefits and taste yummy as a snack. I’ve bought them already toasted for a nibble and keep them in the freezer to add to vegetable dishes. They’re great thrown into salads too!

Don’t be scared of having fat in your diet. But be very scared if it’s trans fat. That can increase your risk of heart disease. While some fats are healthy, trans fats have NO benefits. As I recommended, get in the habit of reading labels. All fats are not alike. Polyunsaturated fats usually won’t hurt you, unless you have too many fat calories. Sugar will do you more harm than many fats. Calories are the main culprit in weight gain so be aware of what’s in your food!

There are some great resources for learning more about healthier eating at Harvard School of Public health: http://tinyurl.com/228nl

You can do many things to improve your health. Improving your mental health increases happiness.

Five Ways to Say "Yes" to Health

When we make a commitment to health, oftentimes we focus on the negative: NO more dessert, NO more pasta, NO more butter, NO more happy hour, NO more fun. We deprive ourselves to become goddesses—hungry, deprived, irritable goddesses.

Eventually, a hungry, deprived, irritable goddess finds herself eating everything in sight. Deprivation usually rewards us with uncontrollable cravings.So why not try a more waist friendly approach? Say, “YES” to the good stuff.

Whether you are trying to lose weight, lower your cholesterol, or keep depression and anxiety under control, you will see progress in your health journey by following these tips.

1. Eat more green leafy vegetables such as kale, Romaine lettuce, and spinach. They are packed with vitamins that convert food to energy. Fiber will cleanse your colon and the antioxidants will make you look and feel your best.(Naoko’s website has a free green cooking video.)

2. Eat more whole grains such brown rice and oats. The no or low carb diet is making you hungrier for junk foods. Your body’s preferred fuel is carbs so if you don’t get enough of the healthy kinds, you will be tempted to grab the processed varieties. Processed carbohydrates are devoid of nutrients and can trigger binges. Whole grains will keep your hunger at bay and provide you with long lasting energy. Find a simple whole grain recipe in myFall 07 newsletter.

3. Chew your food. Mindful chewing helps you slow down and savor each bite so you’ll end up eating less. Chewing can also help prevent excess stomach acid and digestive disorders. If your mouth does most of the work, your intestines won’t have to work overtime.

4. Get support. You must get support to succeed. Tell your friends and family about your commitment to incorporating healthier habits.If they are not good supporters (a problem in and of itself), join an on-line support group, hire a counselor, work with a therapist, or workout with a trainer. Proper support will help you stay motivated and on track.

5. Get moving. The benefits of cardiovascular training are nothing short of miraculous. To name a few, it lowers total cholesterol, lowers blood pressure, increases insulin sensitivity, fights depression and anxiety, and lowers the risk of certain cancers. The best part is, you don’t need to run a marathon to experience the benefits. Go for a brisk walk for 10-20 minutes to raise your heart rate.Strength training also has its fabulous benefits.It can rev up your metabolism and strengthen your bones. If you can’t find the time for structured workouts, take the stairs instead of the elevator, cook more, clean your house, park farther away, walk to work, or bike to run your errands.

Improving your diet, increasing your daily activity, and strengthening your relationships can have significant positive impact on your overall health. Try one tip this week and another one in two weeks. Chuck the ones that don’t work and focus on maintaining the habits that make you feel fabulous! Take it one small step at a time and enjoy the process.

Nice vs. DoorMat

I’m a recovering DoorMat. For a good part of my life I made what others wanted more important than my own needs. A desire to be liked pushed me to be a People Pleaser. I was rarely happy and my self-esteem was low. When you feel used and taken for granted, it’s hard to feel good about yourself. It took years to become the confident, respected, and happy woman I am today. I'm still a nice person but get my needs met too. You CAN prioritize your needs and still be nice!

When I was on Oprah, she asked the audience which they preferred—being liked or being respected? Almost everyone chose liked. Many described how much they’d done for others and affirmed that being liked was most important—way more than being inconvenienced by catering to others, spending money on gifts, giving loans that aren’t repaid, and more—all to make people like them! Oprah seemed surprised. I wasn’t, because I used to like them.

Most people are at least somewhat insecure. Giving and giving can provide you a superficial level of acceptance. But doing things in the name of nice isn’t being nice if you’re doing it to buy people’s attention or to be liked. I used to justify my people pleasing ways by saying that I wanted to be a nice person. Putting more energy into pleasing others than into making yourself happy, often at your own expense, isn’t nice. It’s being a DoorMat! There’s a HUGE difference between being a healthy kind of nice and giving yourself away.

We all want to be like. That’s normal. But when you’re troubled by behavior that fulfills these needs, it’s time to re-evaluate it. Acquiescence will please people more than saying “no.” But making others happy isn’t nice if YOU aren’t happy too. Is a shred of security worth feeling powerless? Nice people complain that they try hard to be nice, yet people don’t reciprocate. Expecting reciprocation isn’t being nice unconditionally. People Pleasers can make friends grab a life preserver—space. If you’re overly nice, people:

• Don’t want to risk hurting someone who’s so nice so they avoid you.
• Read insecurity into the “nice” behavior and get turned off.
• Feel obligated to reciprocate excessive kindness, but don’t want to.
• Feel pressure to give you friendship, but don’t like pressure.

So they may disappear leaving you wonder how they could do that to a nice person. People Pleasers don’t set limits on how much to give or how much to keep quiet about—and call it nice. They give and give to make the person like them and hopefully help them back. Hello! That’s not nice! It’s bribery – buying friends with favors. If you stop being nice, they may disappear. Accept the truth – that kind of behavior isn’t nice! When you pay a store cashier, you get a product. When you do favors and are willingly manipulated, you may get an empty shopping cart. Expecting reciprocation for being nice isn’t nice. Real nice gives just to help someone.

Many people believe that nice people do finish last. I strongly disagree! It’s the DoorMat version of nice that brings frustration. “I’ll do anything you like.” That’s a turnoff. Even in my worst DoorMat days, I lost interest if a guy or even a girlfriend pleased excessively. You can almost smell expectations and desperation to be with you. Even DoorMats don’t like other DoorMats! Self-proclaimed nice people often complain about the results of their so-called niceness:

* Women often lament that they try so hard to be nice to everyone but people aren’t nice to them. Nice does NOT mean doing favors indiscriminately or always being agreeable. It isn’t nice to let people walk over you. Sincerely nice people are kind to others and themselves too. And there’s no law that people have to give you anything just because you give a lot to them. Nice people make sure to give to themselves too!

* Guys often ask why women don’t like nice guys. We do! But not the DoorMat kind. A nice guy is considerate, respectful, and honest with others AND himself. A People Pleaser tries too hard, putting what a woman wants way before his own well-being or needs. Always looking for ways to please can be suffocating and makes you look insecure. It’s not attractive and it’s not nice! Everyone loves feeling a bit of a challenge. Nice guy/DoorMats make it clear there is none.

* And I’m asked why men are attracted to bitches and women are attracted to jerks. Often both sexes are attracted to qualities that bitches and jerks exude. They usually seem confident, which is attractive at work and play. DoorMat types seem needy, which is unattractive and also feels like a burden to someone who’s not ready to give a lot in return. Making yourself important while being considerate of the other person’s feelings and needs is nice. People Pleasers appear insecure. Bitches and jerks aren’t nice. Most people would rather be with a confident, respectful and considerate nice person.

* Whether male or female, self-proclaimed “nice guys” say they go out of their way to be nice to others and it doesn’t work. Work? That means you’re doing nice things for leverage. It says that you don’t feel good about yourself so you’ll try buying people with kindness and attention. You can be nice without neglecting yourself. Work on satisfying your own needs. A happy person is most attractive and desirable, whether it’s for romance, making new friends, attracting clients and having good work relationships.

* Some people who were brought up with strong religious/spiritual values feel lost about how to handle themselves, and feel used. People often say they show God’s love by being good to others. But what about being good to you? I know that God wants me to be nice to myself too. Do the best you can to help others when it’s not at your expense. You can’t help everyone. I’m considerate to all, but keep ME in the picture. Taking care of you first leaves more energy for others. Give without expectations. Anger at people who don’t return kindness isn’t spiritual. Set limits. Spiritual doesn’t mean being a charity for everyone who wants something.

People are often pleasers when they don’t feel good about themselves. Most people are insecure about something. Increase your security by being good to you! If you question the value of being nice to others, redefine nice! It may take time but wrap your head around a new mindset and slowly change how you handle situations. You can set new boundaries and create new rules by choosing to. Practice them and you can adopt new behavior over time:

* Think before agreeing to a favor. Tell the person you’ll let them know. This makes it easier to turn it down later. Do it by email if it’s easier at first.

* Ask yourself if you want to do the favor before agreeing to it. Remind yourself you’re not obligated to do what everyone wants and base your decision on what’s best for you.

* If saying “no” is too uncomfortable, at first, tell little white lies about why you can’t do what’s requested. “I have to take my grandma to the doctor.” “A repairman is coming during that time.” When they get used to you not jumping, it gets easier.

* Learn to turn people down without saying “no”. “I can’t do that.” “I have another commitment.” You honestly don’t need to explain why. Be evasive. Just say something to let them know to find someone else.

* Stop apologizing for not doing things you’re not sorry about. It creates unnecessary guilt and invites more requests from the person. “I’m sorry I can’t help you” may inspire the person to find another time to do what they want.

* Make a point of valuing commitments to yourself so you don’t change your own plans to suit someone else’s. If you planned to stay in to catch up on reading and relaxing, tell the person you already have plans. It’s so empowering to value your personal commitments enough to turn others down!

* Subscribe to my new blog, http://www.lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat.com and you’ll get new tips and perspectives on becoming a more empowered nice person.

I wasn’t happy on “agreeable autopilot” but acted like everything was fine, smiling as I helped someone who only called for favors. People pleasing provide false security to offset loneliness. If you want to be happier, stop being a People Pleaser on a one-way street to nice. Be kind to you too! Give when you can, selectively. Redefine nice! You’ll have more time for you and get respect too. The more you practice, the easier it gets. Friends who are really friends will accept your new boundaries. The ones you lose weren’t worth keeping!

Debra LaChance founded The Healing Project in 2005. As a breast cancer survivor, her goal was to provide the kind of support and connections that she felt people going through serious illness need. I had the pleasure of meeting Debra in May when she launched the first 2 books in her Voices Of series—Voices of Alzheimer’s and Voices of Lung Cancer. Celebrities, non-celebrities, all came together to share what it’s like to watch a loved one struggle with illness. I asked Debra to tell her story. She is an inspiration!

My Project: Helping Others Heal

By Debra LaChance

I wanted to ask the people around me, “Would you please raise your hand if you feel as isolated as I do?”

Walking the busy streets of Manhattan on a beautiful sunny day, I was surrounded by people but I’d never felt so alone. Just minutes before, my doctors had broken the news to me that I had a particularly aggressive form of breast cancer.

I made progress finding out about the disease and how best to treat it. But I could not shake the sense of aloneness I felt from the moment I received my diagnosis. I needed to hear from other people who had gone through what I had, who truly understood what it meant and who might be able to help. I wasn’t ready for a regular support group and with surgery and treatment looming, I simply didn’t have the time. I am an avid reader and assumed that finding the personal stories of those who had gone through this ordeal before me would be relatively easy. But finding what I needed turned out to be hard—where were the real people to talk to? Where were the books that weren’t just about the science of the disease but about the emotional turmoil, the impact of the disease on every aspect of one’s life?

I only found one book that was a personal story, rather than a clinical accounting of the disease. It sparked in me a desire for more stories that get to the heart of the emotional experience. In my limited time talking with other breast cancer patients, I knew there were countless others out there who needed to tell their stories—and to hear the stories of others as well. I decided that part of my own, ongoing healing process would be to find a way to bring people like me together, to create some kind of connection, where these real stories could be shared.

Thus, The Healing Project was born.

I found that having access to the real stories of real people would make the journey through breast cancer much easier to endure. My thoughts kept returning to that walk through Manhattan after I’d heard my diagnosis and that feeling I had of terrible loneliness. As sympathetic as friends and loved ones could be, I felt that no one could truly understand this journey except those who had walked in the same shoes.

As my surgery drew closer, I became convinced that getting and giving courage, comfort, and strength were as important as good medical care and became determined to help build a community for people who were undergoing the terribly isolating experience of dealing with a life-threatening disease.

This would be The Healing Project’s mission: to become a bridge across which people can make those all-important emotional connections.

In addition to my daily work during my treatments and during my second round of chemotherapy, I began to develop The Healing Project as a place where people can make time for connecting with and mentoring others and, most of all, a place to share their stories. Since then, The Healing Project has been collecting stories by those touched by breast cancer and other diseases for the new Voices Of book series. The Voices Of book series is an anthology comprised of stories and essays written by those confronted with illness: patients, caregivers, medical professionals, celebrities and friends.

The Healing Project is part of my own healing, a signpost on my road ahead. And looking ahead, friends ask me if I consider myself cancer free. I choose not to. “The Big C” gives me something tangible with which I can measure my life.

With cancer you have to be ready to chart a new course, for the rest of your life, no matter what the outcome. And it helps to see that others are busy charting their own courses along with you. That’s what these stories are all about. Reading the amazing contributions to The Voices Of series convinces me that I don’t really have a uniquely remarkable story at all.

The truth is—everyone does.I am proud to say that the first two books from LaChance Publishing, Voices of Alzheimer’s and Voices of Lung Cancer were published in May 2007 and Voices of Breast Cancer will be published in October in honor of National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Create relaxation habits: We all have stress. It seems to be part of life. Doing s simple thing at least once a day can set a good tone for how the stress affects you. Find a technique that works for you – deep breathing, meditation, yoga, visualization, etc. Do it for at least 5 minutes each morning to start your day calm. It helps keep the rest of your day in order. Be loving and find what works for you—and do it regularly. If you can do it more than once a day, all the better!

I Dare You to Make Your Dreams Come True
by Speranta Cristache

So now that I have your attention, open your mind to what you’re about to read. Go ahead. Open yourself to really grasping the words on this paper or screen. Ready?

Still, some of you are thinking about your job, spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, parents, children or tonight’s dinner. We often forget that we create our world, so to try some of these ideas in your life. Don’t take my word that these suggestions work; Observe what happens after you try them. I’ll be waiting to hear your stories. I hope you will not forget that the world is for-your-getting.

* Figure out what you want Forget realistic goals and dreams. By definition, dreams are bold, out-there desires stemming from your intense desire for something. They are personal and close to your heart. Some of us forget what it’s like to dream. So think of 4 year-olds you know and learn from their freedom with their thoughts and their carefree, free flowing passion for life. Every one of us, no matter how old or young, has the ability to be free and dream big. I challenge you to forget your current situation and express what you truly want.

* Stop lying. I mean stop lying to yourself. Stop pretending that everything is okay when it is not. Keep doing the things that make you happy. Accept that those aspects of you life that don’t seem to be working, just aren’t working. If your relationship isn’t all that you dream of, stop lying to yourself that it is. If you no longer feel that connection with your mate, stop lying that it’s there, just because there once was a connection. Reality is right here and now. Your life is now and unless you stop lying to yourself that it’s working just fine, you can’t create the life of your dreams.

* Go for the “Yes.” Because, truth be told you already have the “no.” If you desire something in your life that you don’t physically have, the lack of it IS what you have. So how do you turn what you already have, the “no,” into a “yes”? Ask for it. You would be surprised how many times a promotion is there for you, but your boss is waiting for you to ask for it. Or maybe a sales person has the power to give you a break on the price, if you would just ask. Remember that time when you wanted to ask out that really attractive person and as soon as you requested a number, it was happily given. It’s that simple to go for the “yes” and just let go of the “no.”

* Break all the rules. I don’t mean stop paying taxes, although a good accountant could advise you in that area. I mean break the rule that you have to keep being friends with that person you don’t really like. Don’t force yourself to eat spinach if you don’t want to. Don’t keep wearing certain clothes just because they’re trendy. Today, right now, pick the easiest, most realistic and simplest thing that has been bugging you—that thing you just don’t want to do anymore—and STOP DOING IT. Breaking the rules can be as simple as letting the phone ring when so-and-so calls. Or wear that sexy suit. The worst that could happen is getting some compliments. Be bad today, even just once, in a very good way.

* Empty is not good or bad. Emptiness can feel good or bad, but it is neither. It is necessary because within it, we can create. For example, if you want to paint, you get a blank canvas. If you want to make soup, you start with an empty pot. If you want to play football, you need an empty field. Life works the same way. You need to empty your mind of all the self-defeating thoughts in order to fill it with thoughts of success, happiness, peace and prosperity. One way to empty your mind is meditation. Meditation, like many other things in life, is a personal experience and to try to define it would not do it justice. Some people say it is the absence of thought, while others use a mantra. If you’ve never tried emptiness, check it out. You might be pleasantly surprised.

I’ll end with a quote from Albert Einstein: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” The suggestions you just read are examples of starting to think and act outside of your comfort zone, so you can be and have what you have always dreamed of. Take one step outside of your daily routine and look at the results it produces. Dream impossible dreams and defy reality. Allow yourself wonderful new adventures make impossible dreams happen.

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In each issue I’ll answer a question about how to handle a specific situation. Please send in questions about something that you’d like help with. 

He's not her keeper
My dad brought me up with the mindset that I need to protect and take care of women. My girlfriend has a good job and is independent, when it suits her. It doesn’t seem to suit her when it comes to money. She expects me to pay for everything and acts helpless when she doesn’t want to do something. She knows how my dad feels and seems to play on that. But it sometimes interferes with things I want to do for myself. How far do men have to go these days to stay in old stereotypes with women? ~~~Andy W.

My answer: It’s a new era Andy! To me, a relationship should include taking care of each other. A man should respect a woman, just as a woman should respect a man, but neither should be each other’s caretaker. It’s time to set new boundaries or get yourself a girlfriend who’s looking for more than a meal ticket and helper. While it’s traditional for a guy to pay on a date, a decent woman offers to treat to some things, depending on her income. In your lady’s case, she can afford to. We’re all responsible first to ourselves. Make 2 columns on a paper. In the first, list all you do for her. In the second, all she does for you. Is it balanced? It’s not all about money and favors but a relationship is about give and take—not just you giving and she taking.

In every issue I’ll include success stories from my readers. Please send in yours. 

I’m Feeling Grateful!
I’ve been a glass half empty kind of person, always focusing on what was wrong. When I finally sat down and made a gratitude list, I was shocked and pleased that I had a lot of things to put on it. I didn’t expect it. The more I wrote, the more I felt good. Now I’m trying harder to focus on the good in my life. As I express gratitude, it feels like more good is coming. Sometimes I don’t know if I just ignored it before or if gratitude is attracting more. It doesn’t matter! I’m stoked at how much better I feel.~~~Dane R. 

I Learned from a Mistake!
In the past, anything I did wrong brought me down and fed my self-loathing. When I handed in a budget that didn’t work for my boss, the self-critic went on overtime. I was surprised when a co-worker offered to go over it with me. She praised some of the projects I’d done as my head held onto what a loser I was. But her words made an impact. She suggested letting her show me where I’d gone wrong so I could get the budget right in the future. I agreed and I finally know how to do a budget properly. I just needed to learn a few things. Now I see that a mistake can be a blessing if you learn from it! ~~~Annie D.

Well, that’s all for this issue. A BIG thanks to Tal and McGraw-Hill for allowing me to include a sample of the best selling book, Happier, and to Naoko Ikeda, Debra LaChance, and Speranta Cristache for their articles. Please write and tell me things you’d like me to write about. And please don’t forget to check out my new blog, Lessons from a Recovering DoorMat.

With love from,

Daylle
http://www.daylle.com

© 2007 Project Self-Empowerment, LLC