Self-Empowerment Tips & Tools

an e-zine for the mind, body and spirit, for men and women  

ISSN 1073-6158                                                                                                             Volume 3 Issue 1

Table of Contents

1. HAPPINESS EMPOWERMENT

I begin every issue with an article about bringing more happiness into your life. A sincere sense of ongoing joy eludes a majority of people. I want to help change that! Please read this carefully if you don’t want to waste another precious minute of life without feeling contentment and joy when you wake up each day, despite life’s snags. Don’t be one of those who wait until they’re much older and then lament how much they missed. It’s all YOUR choice. This issue I discuss how to keep your protective walls porous in order to take risks that let happiness in NOW. 

Stepping Toward Your Passion
Many people say they’re bored and feel stuck where they are. They believe it’s too late for them to make changes to have a more satisfying life. I hear it all the time—all the reasons conjured up for not taking steps to become happier.

Excuses—Excuses—Excuses—Excuses—Excuses—Excuses

It’s easy to make excuses! Taking steps forward is the hard part. I stagnated for years when I was too scared to make a move and convinced myself that was the way my life was, and would continue to be. The thought of change can be scary. Actually making the change seems even scarier. So you stagnate like I did. Wishing—hoping—dreaming. And lamenting that you can’t get off your butt to get out of the rut. None of this bring happiness or satisfaction. Passion does!

Staying in a boring or unhappy place shreds your self-esteem—and happiness.

The bad news: Rarely will someone take you by the hand and walk you out of your rut. All those wishes will remain wishes if you stay put. While the DVD and book, The Secret, has some great stuff in it, it minimizes the importance of doing the work to get what you want. Sitting around praying for what you want makes you good at praying, but not manifesting!

The good news: You CAN achieve your dreams!! I felt hopeless for years, until I empowered myself with knowledge, skills, perseverance, and FAITH. People told me that I was too old to get a new career, that I didn’t have the skills and experience to do the things I yearned for, and in general, that I should stay a good little DoorMat and continue to live on autopilot in my unhappy rut.

When I realized that being afraid was worse than taking a risk, I refused to continue on auto-pilot! NO MORE! I took the first step and pulled my other leg behind it. Now I’m joyously happy in a career that was worth going for. It all began with a decision that I was willing to change and the first baby step.

Do you feel too old to change? That’s just in your head! Unless you’re 6 feet under, you can give yourself the power to try anything you choose. Yes, you give the power, not your mother, romantic partner, boss or anyone else. Once you CHOOSE to pursue your dreams, no one can stop you! No one but YOU. It’s your own negative thoughts that keep you stuck. I had MANY naysayers telling me to save my energy since it was too late for me to develop a new and passion driven career.. HA HA! HA! They’re all still in ruts while I’m on a passionate path of infinite possibilities. When you strengthen your faith, and practice using it, the world can be yours! I’m living proof! J

Do you ignore your dreams due to insecurity? Work on figuring out what you want and affirm that you can do it. Practice the self-appreciation exercises that I’ll have in many of my posts. Show yourself lots of love. Then make a plan and take teeny baby steps toward achieving. John C. Maxwell said, "Every worthwhile accomplishment has a price tag attached to it. The question is always whether you are willing to pay the price to attain it—in hard work, sacrifice, patience, faith, and endurance." Are you willing to empower yourself and find your passion?

Learning new skills and knowledge can counter doubts and skeptical feelings about not being able to try something new. Knowledge is a HUGE self-esteem booster. Preparation provides confidence to go after what you want. Acquiring knowledge and skills lightens the anxiety of trying new things and taking risks. When you feel inadequate, think about:

* What don’t I know that could help me?
* How can I learn it?

The more new skills and knowledge you acquire, the stronger your confidence. Find ways to acquire knowledge to improve your perceived inadequacies. Then stop lamenting about why you can’t do what you’d like. There are many levels of acquiring skills and knowledge. Set small and specific goals to prepare for pursuing desires. When you pinpoint what you think you lack, change it:

* Advance your education. Do you feel inferior to your co-workers? Does it feel as if they know more than you? Learning provides a boost. Explore what might be valuable to study. What do co-workers lack that you could learn? If you want to be office manager, accounting or computer classes might help you to shine as a candidate. Increased knowledge increases confidence. Take one class at a time as you empower yourself with knowledge.

* Learn a skill. Are you tired of paying people to do what you could if you knew how? Do you want a better job or have a desire to paint? Learn skills! There are Adult Ed classes and books on how to do a gazillion things. Learn how to use watercolors, do simple plumbing, maintain a website, create a newsletter, etc., and feel more competent. Each skill you pick up puts another notch on your self-esteem belt.

* Get a tutor. Do computer classes go too fast or confuse you? Are you scared to take auto mechanics? Find an expert to give you private instructions. I’m dense at reading manuals and find people to explain whatever I need, step-by-step. Computer whiz college kids helped me for a few bucks. My friend gave me a guided tour under my car’s hood. Find the right person to tutor you instead of feeling dumb about not understanding how to do something.

* Read the paper. I once heard a madam who ran an escort service say that her women were required to read several newspapers a day to be an interesting date. When you get familiar with current events, it makes for better conversations and you feel less ignorant. Many folks ignore them. I did and felt insecure during discussions. Now I at least check the news on TV or radio to be armed with current knowledge.

* Practice to become the best you can be. Skills are like muscles—they improve with use. Decide what you’d like to do and practice, practice, practice. If it’s painting – make time to paint! Learn a language? Find someone who speaks it and chat. You’ll reach a higher level of competency by doing and doing. Be the best YOU can be. Forget perfection, or you’ll never be good enough. Practice to improve, not to compete with others.

* Ask questions when you don’t understand. News flash! You’re not the only one who doesn’t always grasp instructions. I used to nod in agreement and stressfully try to figure it out. Now I know that asking makes you smarter. Requesting more clarity doesn’t make you look bad. “I’d appreciate your explaining that so I can get the whole picture,” shows you’re confident enough to ask. Insecure people don’t. You can’t know everything but can learn by asking for more info on what you need.

* Get out and network! The more folks you meet, the more possible ways to get into doors to more passionate endeavors. Be friendly to everyone. You never know who might know someone that can help you. As you make more contacts, take more risks to get help from them.

The more you know, the less inadequate you feel. Self-empowered folks try to get better at doing things. Stay ahead of the curve by educating yourself when you can! Knowledge empowers! That gives you more confidence to take more risks to follow your passion.

Confidence is a big key to getting what you desire. Nobody is born with good self-confidence. We all have insecurities. Some people grew up in an environment that boosted their self-esteem and nurtured confidence. More didn’t. But you can develop some! 

Learn a new skill. Often a lack of confidence is because you feel like you may not be able to do something. Take a class in something you’ve always wanted to do or something that will make you better at your job. Tackling something new will give you confidence that will seep into other areas of your life.

I’ll repeat this in every issue. Taking care of your body is a gift of love to you. Being healthy makes you feel better. This doesn’t mean striving for a perfect body or impressing a romantic partner. Create better nutritional habits, take vitamins/supplements and exercise for YOU! When you focus on being healthy, you give yourself love! I’m delighted to have Rena Greenberg as a my guest for this issue. Rena is President of Wellness Seminars, Inc. and the author of several books about diet and weight loss. I believe that part of developing good self-empowerment is to control your eating habits. Rena has some great suggestions for doing that!  

Break the Binge Habit
by Rena Greenberg

Fat talk makes many people think that fat in food is our enemy. That’s so not true! People tell me they’re on a fat free diet and don’t understand why they haven’t lost weight. Or worse, they’ve gained weight! Ultimately, it’s total calorie intake that determines whether or not you take off pounds. Many fat-free products are deceiving—often lots of sugar add in place of fat.

There is a magic question that you can ask yourself when you are about to reach for the last cookie in the box, finish the macaroni and cheese on your son’s plate, make a beeline for the refrigerator mindlessly, or pick at the desert that your husband is indulging in. This inquiry can help you to break the binge habit instantly. It is very simple, but extremely effective. The question is:“What is it that I am truly needing?”

In most cases, when you stop to ask yourself, “What am I needing? “ you will discover that it is not chocolate, cheese or pasta that you are craving, but rather a quality, such as peace, safety, comfort, love or even energy—a greater connection to your own life force.Just stopping whatever you are doing, taking a deep breath, and asking yourself, “What am I needing?” can be a tremendous gift you can give to yourself. First of all, it gives you an opportunity to PAUSE and take a moment for yourself. A deep breath not only gives all the cells of your body much needed oxygen, but a chance for you to break the momentum of mindless, automatic, stress-induced eating behaviors.

Then, you can go inside and determine what you are feeling. Do a quick scan of your body and notice any areas of tightness or tension. Without any judgment, give these areas some attention.Take a moment to pay attention to the feelings in your belly, jaw, pelvis and neck and shoulders. These are areas where you may be holding tension.Put your hand over the area that feels tight and send yourself some love. Ask yourself again, “What am I needing?”If you hear any voices coming up, telling you a story about why you are feeling the way you are, let them go, and stay with the feeling.It is through staying with the feeling and assessing what you are needing—and then giving it to yourself—that you can receive the true healing and free yourself from the mindless binge eating, of the past.

Perhaps when you take a moment to go inside and feel the sensations in your body, you realize that you have a strong need for some peace and relaxation. Even if your outer environment is chaotic and stressful in the moment, you can still breathe in peace and relaxation to the parts of yourself that need it the most. Put some space around the area of your body that feels tight, and imagine surrounding that place inside your self with a white or golden healing light. Let the quality of peace fill all the cells of your body, with a particular focus on the area that needs the most attention. Then imagine that you can put some space, and light, around your entire body. Take in this new feeling of peace. Allow the relaxation to infiltrate your entire being, and imagine any tension you are holding melting away.

Before you dip your fork into that rich, sugary cake on your husband’s plate—only to feel disgust with yourself moments later—just take a moment to inquire what is really going on for you.When you take the time to look within, you may get a sense that you are feeling anxious, and are reaching for carbohydrates as a familiar and habitual way to soothe yourself.

Instead, try this. Ask yourself “what am I needing,” and take a moment to let the answer come to you. If you get the answer, “peace” for example, ask yourself if there is anything else that you also need. Let the answer come from deep inside yourself. Perhaps it’s not just peace that you are longing for, but also a feeling of safety. Take the time to breathe in both peace and safety. Then imagine with all your senses that these qualities are flowing into you and filling you.

Visualize and sense a blanket of safety and relaxation being wrapped around you. Allow a light of protection to surround you, and imagine that this protection comes from a higher plane of existence, where you can have access to a deeper peace and connection with all of life, than you may have conscious awareness of, here in this world. It is by setting your intention to connect to this higher plane of existence, that you can begin to access it. Allow the higher light to literally feed and transform your cells. Notice if your true hunger is perhaps a longing for greater love and connection to your deeper self.

Look at the food you were about to reach for and ask yourself, “Do I really want this?” “How is this food going to make me feel?” Project yourself forward in time and imagine that you just ate the offending food. Witness yourself stuffing the cookies in your mouth, or inhaling your son’s left over pasta, as you may have done so many times in the past, and then let yourself experience your typical feelings after the predictable binge. Feel the familiar feelings of guilt and regret, and with joy, realize that you are making a new choice. Allow yourself to feel the sense of empowerment that accompanies your decision to act in a new way.

Each time you STOP, breathe, and ask yourself the magic question, “What am I really needing?” and then take a moment to give yourself that quality that your being is longing for—instead of mindlessly stuffing food into your mouth—you are creating momentum for a new, more positive set of behaviors to become natural to you. One day, in the not too distant future, you’ll find yourself automatically throwing the leftover macaroni in the trash, or putting the cookies in the freezer, or not even paying attention to what your husband is eating, and realize that at a very deep level your entire relationship to food has changed. Remember to celebrate by giving yourself what you are truly needing!
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Rena Greenberg is the author of The Right Weigh: Six Steps to Permanent Weight Loss used by over 100,000 People (Hay House Publishing 2006) and The Craving Cure: Break the Hold Carbs and Sweets Have on Your Life (McGraw-Hill 2007). She conducts weight loss seminars using hypnosis at hospitals throughout the country on a regular basis. Rena’s unique weight loss program has been featured in Woman’s World Magazine, Body & Soul Magazine, Quick and Simple Magazine and in over 30 television stories, including nationally on FOX TV. Check out her website.

You can do many things to improve your health. Improving your mental health increases happiness.

Pamper, Please
Reprinted from Julie Silver’s book, Super Healing, with permission
By Julie Silver, MD

While you are in the Healing Zone, you'll have to focus on yourself in a loving and nurturing manner. At times, this will mean putting yourself first; what you need must take precedence over what others need. This isn't easy to do if you've been taught, as many of us have, that we should be more concerned with others than with ourselves.

Sometimes it's easier to embrace self-nurturing if you consider the opposite option: self-denial. Drs. Heller and Heller define self-denial as "the surrendering of your needs, preferences, and desires in order to fulfill the needs, preferences, or desires of another person." Though chronic self-denial is unhealthy, it is particularly problematic if you are recovering from a serious illness or injury. This is truly a time when your focus should first and foremost be on helping yourself to heal.

If you find it difficult to take the time to nurture yourself, you are in good company. Many wonderful people are not good self-nurturers. Nevertheless, it's important to try to change this as you mend. Begin with small steps. Reading this book is a terrific start. Next, find the time to make a plan to heal, as I outlined in the previous chapter. There is no doubt that illness provides opportunities, and one of them is a chance to reflect on how to take better care of ourselves.

If you haven't spent much time nurturing yourself in the past, psychiatrist Edward Hallowell, MD, believes that you can change. He suggests, "If you never taught yourself how to tend to yourself--if, indeed, you were taught to ignore your needs and feelings as if they were selfish and impure--it is still possible to learn how to make a healthy connection to yourself."

It's easy to avoid self-nurture. As relationship expert Susan Page explains:

The insidious thing about not taking care of yourself is that if you don't do it, no one else in the world may ever notice. If you don't feed your children and buy them clothes and support them when they need your help, they'll notice. If you don't keep your agreements with your partner, your partner will be unhappy and will let you know. But you can fail to take care of yourself and your own needs for years, and no one will care....

Of course, great excuses are plentiful: I don't have time. I keep forgetting. I'll do it later. I am going to do it--but not yet. The best excuse of all is, taking care of myself is not as important as all the other things I have to do--for other people.

During your time in the Healing Zone, self-nurture is something to strive for. Here are examples of ways in which you can nurture yourself.

• Listen to music, talk radio, audiobooks, or a relaxation tape.
• Meditate or pray.
• Watch television.
• Read a book or magazine.
• Sit down and talk with someone in person or on the phone.
• Perform deep breathing and relaxation exercises.
• Play a game on the computer or with a friend.
• Play a musical instrument.
• Crochet, macramé, knit, needlepoint, or sew.
• Make a craft or jewelry.
• Carve wood.
• Scrapbook.
• Do a jigsaw or crossword puzzle.
• Draw or paint a picture.
• Write a letter, e-mail, journal entry, or poem or short story.
• Sit in a comfortable place with a warm drink (decaffeinated and non-alcoholic is best).
• Lie down and take time to reflect.
• Go for a scenic drive.
• Sit outside or take a walk someplace where you can enjoy nature.
• Go for a manicure, pedicure, massage, or another spa treatment.
• Exercise.

I can't tell you how to balance your responsibilities in the time zones of real life and recovery, but I can encourage you to simply do the best that you can. Try to stay focused on healing, but also recognize that it's okay to take some breaks and do what you need to do in the real world. Keep in mind that the better you heal and the more strength and energy you have, the easier it will be for you to resume your former responsibilities and care for those who depend on you. As William Shakespeare observed, "Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting."

Awareness is definitely the first step. Just like the first step for an addict is to acknowledge what she or he does. If you or someone you love have a physical illness or injury, check out Super Healing for tool to take control of your healing.

Increase Your Value

Stores have markdown sales in order to move inventory or get rid of products that aren’t selling. It’s good business sense to do it at appropriate times. But the practice is self-defeating if you reduce your own value. Whether it’s for business or pleasure, many of us give ourselves away in ways that create feelings of being less worthy of receiving compensation or good treatment.

We devalue ourselves in many situations, and then wonder why we’re never happy. Hello! How can you attract happy situations if you sell your value short? When I was a DoorMat, I had a dirt-cheap exchange rate:

* I put off asking for more money when I had a job because I thought my boss might get angry.
* I did work that only people in much higher positions did—and did it well—but kept quiet after I mentioned I should be paid more and got laughter.
* I did all sorts of nice things for each guy I was involved with, even when they did little for me besides crumbs of sweetness alternating with disrespectful behavior.
* I wrote and spoke for free because I didn’t value my gift enough to give it monetary value.
* I did favors whenever asked, even though there was rarely help when I needed it.
* I loaned money that never got repaid, yet continued loaning more to the same people.

DoorMats wait to be walked on and give themselves away. They take crumbs instead of expecting to get the whole enchilada. That makes you settle for less. Most people are at least somewhat insecure. When you have even a little self-doubt, guilt about not helping someone, or a lack of confidence, it’s easier to hesitate to give yourself value or not recognize it in the first place. That’s what fuels living in Doormatville!

When you focus on your value, it’s harder to let people take advantage of you or your skills. You CAN get into the habit of viewing yourself as a valuable person by paying attention to how you handle yourself in situation where people take advantage. If you don’t value YOU, why should anyone else?

People get their cues from you. If you walk into a room slumped, not making eye contact, and speak without conviction, you’ve lost respect at the gate. Looking insecure helps people assume they can take what they want. Acting like you have no value attracts the buzzards, who see you as road kill to nibble on. When you act like you’re a somebody—and you are a somebody—SURPISE! People treat you like a somebody. If you want to be happy and whole, nurture your value and make it a high one!

Self-value begins in your head. Even if you don’t feel super good about yourself, you can begin to do things to build yourself up:

* Repeat affirmations such a: “I approve of myself right now.” “I have great value.” “I deserve to get paid for my skills.” Find more of your own!

* Look in the mirror regularly and say, “I love you.” Point at yourself and say, “YOU’VE got great value!”

* List all your good qualities and ask friends for suggestions if you need more. Read it a lot to bolster your confidence.

* Practice walking with good posture. It helps you feel better about yourself and makes a better impression.

* Become more conscious of how you de-value yourself-worth. Nobody does that for you! It’s YOUR choice!

* Hang a sign prominently with your version of, “I intend to get what I deserve and that’s A LOT!” If you see it often enough, you’ll start to believe it.

* Remind yourself that God wants you to have abundance and to be treated well!

No one has to believe your value at first but YOU. Once you accept it, others will too. It will show in how you carry yourself and your attitude. Many women validate themselves by the man they’re with. Many men by how much money they make. But your value begins with accepting yourself as a person. Otherwise you’ll take a lot of crap from a romantic partner if you’re scared of being alone or from a boss if getting a new job feels scary or your mother if you feel you have to let her dump on you since she’s your mother. NOT! As I said, that’s the express track to DoorMatville.

Start slow and find ways to be more loving to you. One baby step at a time is all it takes to get to a place of value. If you have serious issues, get a therapist to work through them with you. Then become more conscious of your value, incorporate it into your demeanor and expect to get back what you’re worth! When you truly expect it, you’ll get a lot more goodies! If this recovering DoorMat who thought she was fat and ugly and useless could become an extremely valuable person, you can too!

My friend Tina Tessina has a new book, Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage (Adams Media, 2008). She’s a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has written lots of great books and articles. I asked if I could put a sample of her new book in my newsletter. She kindly sent me a sample. With the breakup of relationships rampant, Tina identifies three main factors that can ruin a good one. These tips work for people who aren’t married too and can also help with non-romantic relationships with friends and colleagues.

Learning Self-Control
Adapted from Tina Tessina’s new book, Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage (Adams Media, 2008)
By Tina Tessina, Ph.D

One of the most powerful ways I found to stop being a doormat in relationships was to learn emotional self-control. When you’re too reactive to your partner, he or she can easily draw you into a fight that stops you both from focusing on fixing the problem.

When you’re faced with an emotional situation, self-control is not easy. In the face of your partner’s actions, it’s difficult not to react. Learning to stop and think, to respond thoughtfully and carefully rather than quickly and automatically, is hard. However, mastering self-control, no matter how difficult, is always worthwhile, because it makes every moment of your life easier. .

Using Self Talk. If learning self-control is difficult for you, one of the most powerful tools you can use to change is self-talk. We all have a running dialog in our heads, which often is negative or self-defeating. The good news is that you can choose to replace this negative monologue with something more positive. The brain tends to repeat familiar things over and over, going again and again over established neuronal pathways. Repeating a mantra, an affirmation or a choice over and over creates new pathways, which eventually become automatic. The new thoughts will run through your head like the old thoughts did, or like a popular song you've heard over and over.

If your self talk feels "naturally negative," you may be creating a self-fulfilling identity, which saps your ability to choose your responses. One thing you can do is to monitor your self-talk: what do you say to yourself about the upcoming day, about mistakes, about your luck? If these messages are negative, changing them can indeed lift your spirits and your optimism. Know yourself: if you love silence, tend to be quiet, like quiet conversations and not big parties, this may be a genetic trait -- your hearing, and nervous system may be more sensitive than others, and this trait will not go away. You can, however, make the most of it, and learn that creating plenty of quiet in your life will make you a happier, calmer person. If, on the other hand, you’re a party animal – social, enjoying noise and excitement, you can also use that as an asset. Positive, happy people do have an easier time in life, and bounce back from problems faster. There are things you can do in every case to increase your level of optimism, even if you can't change who you are.

Your thoughts affect your mood, and how you relate to yourself can either lift or dampen your spirits. Neuronal activity in the brain activates hormones which are synonymous with feelings. Constant self-criticism results in a "what's the use" attitude, which leads to depression and a cranky attitude, which doesn’t work well in your marriage. Continuous free-floating thoughts of impending doom lead to anxiety attacks. Negative self-talk creates stress.

What I do to help clients become aware of self-inflicted stress is first, to ask them to become aware of what they're saying to themselves—if there is a constant stream of negativity, it will create stress—just as being followed around by someone who's constantly carping on you would be stressful. Also, if they're fighting within themselves—not able to come to a solid idea of what they want—that will make it difficult to make decisions, and increase the stress. Dysfunctional relationship patterns also are stress-building. For example, if you are constantly guilt-tripped by someone else, or you and your spouse fight, or you are too worried about others' opinions of who you are and what you're doing, you'll be a lot more stressed than if you know how to get along with others, when to listen and when to trust yourself. Most of my clients don’t realize that they are responsible for their own feelings, and no one else is responsible for making them feel better. To move from powerless about yourself to being in charge, try the following suggestions:

*Make a note: Write positive comments on your daily calendar to yourself for jobs well done or any achievements you want to celebrate. Or you can paste stickers on your daily calendar as you accomplish goals daily frequent positive commentary is a very effective way to reward yourself and remind yourself of your success.

*Make a note: Write positive comments on your daily calendar to yourself for jobs well done or any achievements you want to celebrate. Or you can paste stickers on your daily calendar as you accomplish goals daily frequent positive commentary is a very effective way to reward yourself and remind yourself of your success.

*Look to your childhood: To celebrate success in self-control, use activities that felt like a celebration in your childhood: did your family toast a celebration with champagne or sparkling cider, a gathering of friends, or a thankful prayer? Create a celebration environment: use balloons, music, flowers, candles, or post-its to say hooray!

*Visible reminders: Surround yourself with visible evidence of your successes. Plant a commemorative rosebush or get a new houseplant to mark a job well done, or display photos of fun events, and sports or hobby trophies. It's a constant reminder that you appreciate yourself and each other; and when you see them daily, you'll be reminded how powerful you can be.

*Reward yourself: When you succeed at self-control, celebrate with an impromptu lunchtime picnic and a balloon, celebratory sex, tickets to a movie or a ball game, or bragging to understanding friends over coffee. Look in the mirror and tell yourself how proud you are of the new you.

Plan a ME Day: During busy times, choose one day a month for showing you love. Circle it in red. Plan a whole day of doing something you love, no excuses! Have a day of pampering. Go hiking. Stay in bed watching movies with a pint of ice cream! One day off from dieting. Finish a whole book. Whatever you’d love or wish you had time to do. Plan to do it! Look forward to it as you work hard the rest of the month.

Becoming Your Own Thought Patrol

People complain that others limit them; make them feel inferior, dumb or fat; stop them from pursing dreams. Hello! NO ONE can make you think what you don’t allow. NO ONE! Not your mother, your boss, your romantic partner, your best friend. NO ONE—except YOU!

There’s a lot being said these days about the Law of Attraction. You can do affirmations up the wazoo and follow along by rote. But this won’t attract what you want if your thoughts contradict what you say. You attract what you put out and your thoughts are magnetic. If you don’t begin to monitor them, they’ll sabotage whatever spiritual work you do. I’ve said this to people who live for God and consider themselves very faithful. Yet when they express their thoughts, insecurity and doubt flourish, even with all their strong declarations. When you become your own thought patrol, you can consciously change what you attract.

Did you ever feel that your body doesn’t look good, or get insecure about your work, or believe you’re not fast or smart enough? Of course you have. Everyone does sometimes! And has a friend or loved one bend over backwards trying to convince you that you’re good enough as you are, but nothing could change your mind? That’s because only you can change it. The power to create self-perception is yours. You can CHOOSE one that’s positive or negative.

As a DoorMat, I sucked up the negatives and brushed off the positives. Feeling worthless keeps self-perception low—the glue for sticking around in DoorMatville. I felt unhappy a lot as I let my thoughts beat me up. That reflected out to the way folks saw me. It radiated “Come take advantage of me” and there was no shortage of people who liked my giving ways. The more I thought poorly of me, the more others did. I was a very unhappy camper when “WELCOME” was visible in my demeanor, until I started to see that I was better than I’d thought. When I focused on my positive qualities, my thoughts got more positive.

It’s frustrating to your loved ones when you refute their praise with self-put-downs. Men ask me what they can do to convince their women that they don’t find them fat or unattractive. When you’re convinced you’re not good enough, your mind holds that thought soundly and blocks all input seeking to change your perception. But your mind can also block negative thoughts—when you refuse to accept them!

It’s YOUR choice to believe what others tell you. The media doesn’t make you feel fat or old. You make yourself feel that way! Your parents didn’t make you feel like a loser. You embraced what they told you. Your guy doesn’t make you feel like you need to lose weight. You accept what he says. Your lady doesn’t make you feel inadequate. You become inadequate by choosing to let her words get to you.

Are you getting my drift??? No one can make you feel what you choose not to think.

When I was a DoorMat, I was sure I was fat and ugly because I wasn’t thin like the women I saw on TV and in movies. I CHOSE not to believe my parents who said I was beautiful. And I CHOSE to believe that I wasn’t good enough to have my needs me and CHOSE to sacrifice myself for the pleasure of others. No one twisted my arm or threatened me. It was voluntary.

One of my favorites, Ralph Waldo Emerson, said, "Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your promotion." I embraced being a people pleaser and blocked out all the nice things people said. Insecurity kept me locked into a mindset that refused to see my beauty and wonderful qualities. Like Emerson said, I promoted keeping myself in DoorMatville. Now that I know better, I CHOSE to love myself instead. My mind REFUSES to accept anything other than I’m a wonderful, beautiful, special, hot babe!

Remember, you get back what you put it. The Law of Attractions doesn’t just apply to attracting money or a romantic partner. It attracts things in all aspects of your life, including how others view you. What you attract is YOUR choice. You can choose to be whomever you let into your head. Monitor your thoughts and consciously refute those that bring you down. You CAN if you CHOOSE to. So CHOOSE to!!

In each issue I’ll answer a question about how to handle a specific situation. Please send in questions about something that you’d like help with. 

My Co-Workers Are Slackards
I have a strong work ethic. The people I work with don’t. They spend more time with personal emails than with work. One has a business on the side and conducts it in our office! They often take cigarette breaks while I slave away. I get dumped on with their work regularly, while they slack off. The boss acts oblivious. The worst is I get tapped to work weekends a lot to help catch up. I get overtime but prefer free weekends. The boss indicated he needs me since I do the best work. Yet they get paid the same so it’s not fair. How can I get out of doing extra work~~~ Ken D.

My answer: Stop being a slave! A solid work ethic is good but feeling like a slave isn’t. Continue to work hard, but don’t kill yourself. Slow down just a little and take some breaks like the others do if the only appreciation you get is being given extra work. If the boss questions you, just say, “Everyone takes breaks so I’m just doing it too.” And smile. Don’t feel guilty for cutting yourself some slack at work, as long as YOUR work gets done.

As far as the weekend goes, say you’re busy when your boss asks you to work. If you’re uncomfortable not giving an excuse, tell him you have a family gathering to travel to. Unless it’s part of your job description to work weekends, he should accept that. Don’t say you’re sorry you can’t work since you’re not. Actually, say as little as possible. Each week have a reason you can’t work until you’re comfortable just saying, “I can’t work this weekend.” Slowly you can break the habit of your boss expecting you to always pick up the slack in the office.

In every issue I’ll include success stories from my readers. Please send in yours. 

I’m Relaxing More!
I’m always rushing around, trying to fit too much into each hour. Late for things. Beating myself up a lot for being late. I’m always on edge. In the name of self-love I’ve slowed down. Just a little so far but I see the difference already. I’m cutting back on some of what I do and allowing at least a half hour each day for a walk or to listen to a meditation CD. I look forward to that time now instead of it being another thing I must fit it. It’s for ME, so it’s important! Becoming more conscious of my pattern is helping me to slowly alter it. ~~~Twanna L. 

I Traded my DoorMat Ways for More Income!
I always prided myself on being a nice guy but reading the article in your last issue made me realize I’m a DoorMat. I’m a car mechanic. People often come over when I’m off work to ask about their cars. Like on want to work on their car for free in my free time. But I realized that’s how people saw it. My free time was their free time to get work done. So I started a new business—doing auto repairs out of my garage. I made up a card and gave it to everyone who might want freebies. They thought I was joking but the card got the message across. Now they see me as a business instead of a DoorMat to bring their cars to. I don’t get that much business, which is fine. But when I work in my free time I get paid! Once I accepted that I should be paid for my skills, I did.~~~Kevin G.
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Well, that’s all for this issue. Please write and tell me things you’d like me to write about. And please don’t forget to check out my new blog, Lessons from a Recovering DoorMat.

With love from,

Daylle
http://www.daylle.com

© 2007 Project Self-Empowerment, LLC