Welcome to Self-Empowerment Tips & Tools, my free self-empowerment e-zine for women and men. This is the first step in launching Project-Self Empowerment, LLC, a company set up to give back for all of my blessings.  

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This e-zine has suggestions to help you to live a healthier, happier and more productive life. Everything I discuss is related to showing yourself more love. The more loving you are to you, the more love you feel. The more love you feel, the more you want to make yourself happy. I have guest writers too. For this issue This time I’m thrilled to have Conny Jasper, MA, who specialized in healing, and Debbie Mandel, MA, author of Turn On Your Inner Light and Changing Habits. I write the rest. 

Please send any questions you’d like me to consider answering in a future issue. If you felt more power in a specific situation, please send details for consideration in my Success Stories section. This e-zine is for each and every one of you. It’s free. All suggestions welcome.

Daylle Deanna Schwartz

Project Self-Empowerment, LLC

http://www.daylle.com                        daylle@daylle.com

In this issue:

1. Happiness Empowerment: Stop Postponing Happiness!

2. Confidence Booster: Be Your Own Cheerleader!

3. 3. Taking Control of Your Body: Excerpt from Changing Habits: The Caregivers’ Total Workout– Debbie Mandel

4.   Good Health Empowerment: An Introduction to Holistic Healing – Conny Jasper, MA

5.   Communication Empowerment: Speaking with Good Expectations

6.   Healthy Relationship Empowerment: Breaking Patterns to Let Healthy Love In

7.   “I Love Me” Tip

8.   Spiritual Growth Booster: Blessings Alert!

9.   9.Ask Daylle: Question from a reader

10. 10. Self-Empowerment Success Stories

1. HAPPINESS EMPOWERMENT I begin every issue with an article about bringing more happiness into your life. A sincere sense of ongoing joy eludes a majority of people. I want to help change that! Please read this carefully if you don’t want to waste another precious minute of life without feeling contentment and joy when you wake up each day, despite life’s snags. Don’t be one of those who wait until they’re much older and then lament how much they missed. It’s all YOUR choice. This issue I discuss how to stop waiting for the right circumstances to embrace what would make you happy NOW. 

Stop Postponing Happiness

Many of us live in a state of waiting – waiting for the right time to do things that might make us happy. Being dependent on outside factors to bring happiness keeps it out of your control and won’t make you happy long term. I will repeat this in every issue – happiness is an inside job. And the right moment for things that bring joy is NOW!  

Setting rules about what needs to occur before you allow yourself to have good stuff or be in a situation that you’d like is counterproductive to creating a lifestyle that supports you fully NOW. Right NOW is what counts! The past is behind you and the future won’t get here until later. NOW is the time to be happy. Am I getting through that’s it’s NOW that counts! 

“I’ll do more things after I get my act together.” It’s easier to do what’s necessary when you’re happy. Having something or someone that enhances your joy makes taking care of you easier. Denying yourself joy keeps you in a worse mood. ”When I meet the ‘right’ romantic partner, then I’ll find happiness.” Why put all that pressure on having to find someone to give it to you when you can start the process today? Why choose to be happy later when you can experience it sooner? Remember, no one can make you truly happy but YOU. That includes allowing yourself to experience, not deny yourself joy.  

“I’ll work on my self-esteem after I lose weight.” Good self-esteem means accepting yourself NOW – not when or if you improve. Weight is a big catalyst for procrastination. People use their perceived need to change their bodies as an excuse to put off pleasure. I’ve heard, “I won’t get married until I fit into a size 8.” “I refuse to buy any new clothes until I lose 10 pounds.” “When I slim down I’ll make an effort to have a social life.” Excuses to wait keeps you in an ungratified and unloving state of mind – “I’m bad for not being thinner so I’ll deny myself things I’d like.  

Staying away from someone you’d like to be with or not doing or getting something you’d like is a form of self-punishment. If you don’t feel worthy of happiness until you get your body, your income or your life in general together, you deprive yourself of the joy or support that whatever you postpone can bring if you let it in NOW. Do you feel VERY guilty about mistakes you believe you made, letting someone down, allowing your appearance go, or any other imperfection you don’t like? That’s the past. Leave it there! 

This is the present, when happiness should be yours NOW. It’s not a time to punish yourself by withholding joy. Forgive yourself for any bad decisions or directions you took and move forward. Wallowing in the past solves nothing but does block happiness. Why not enjoy how good nice new clothing feels, despite not losing your goal weight? It might motivate you more. Why retreat from someone who could support you in your healing or reinventing yourself if he or she would bring you joy? You deserve it NOW – not at some date down the road. 

Normally I like goals. They motivate us to work harder and give us a plan for achieving what we’d like. But waiting to make more money, break what you see as a bad habit, or any other perceived self-improvement before doing what would make you happier is a negative goal. It very well might be self-inflicted punishment for being imperfect or feeling less of a person because of things you’ve done or believe you lack. That’s not loving! You deserve to go after the joy NOW! You can’t get back the time you waste waiting for the good stuff you can have NOW.  

Years ago I lived in a house share that was far from ideal because I wasn’t making much money. I was advised to wait to get new things until I had a nicer living arrangement. I decided I was worthy of feeling comfortable wherever I was. My roommates roughed it on decor for their rooms. I bought curtains, pretty pictures and throw pillows. They teased me, not understanding why I made my not so perfect living space my own. Walking into my bedroom, I felt at home and comfy. While I was very content, my roommates were often grouchy. When I got my own place, my treasures came with me. Creating a wonderful environment wherever you live is a delightful show of self-love. Don’t wait to buy a house or get the “right” apartment! 

Postponing gratification is unloving! It says that you’re not worthy NOW. Why not? Create 2 columns on paper. In column A, list reasons you deserve happiness. In B, list why you should wait. If you can’t think of things for the first column, ask friends for suggestions. Let them convince you that the reasons in column A are more important. Forgive yourself for what’s in column B - your imperfections or past failures or mistakes. Move on to including happiness in your world NOW!  

Self-punishment by withholding joy does you no good. You may be used to that as a way of life but once you allow happiness in, you’ll see it’s much better. Think about why you postpone joy. Really take some time to figure out why you may be withholding to punishing yourself. Are you angry with yourself for not losing the weight you want or for other shortcomings you perceive? Do you feel guilty about things you did in the past? Did you hurt someone and feel a need to do penance? Guilt and penance aren’t necessary!  

We all make mistakes. I sure do. But I won’t punish myself for being human. Instead, I forgive me and do what I can to remedy my actions and try to do better NOW and in the future. Forgive yourself as a person who means well but isn’t perfect and try to do better in future situation. You can’t change what you did by blocking happiness. So, begin letting it in NOW! A happier person receives more good in the process. 

You don’t become more worthy of happiness because you lose weight or punish yourself enough to make up for past behavior or when you reach a milestone. Happiness should be your goal every day. I still can afford to lose some weight but I’m happy to buy my current bod some nice clothes because looking good makes me happy NOW. And while I’d love to be deliciously wrapped in a man who rocks my world, I’m happy rocking my own world. A great guy wouldn’t make me happy. He’d make me happier. I’m already happy because I show me love every day. When you allow happiness in, your whole perspective can change.

Parents reward kids for achievements. Adults can reward themselves just because… Why wait for a birthday to give yourself a gift? Why put off having or doing stuff for the “right” time when you can enjoy it NOW? Living for the future hurts your present, which is right NOW. So why not get gratification NOW? Identify why you feel a need to wait for the right circumstances to receive happy stuff. Then find reasons (or ask a friend to help you) to move beyond them. To me, the biggest success you can have is being happy. Take a step in the direction of what would bring you happiness NOW! Please share what results with me. J I LOVE hearing about happiness!

2. CONFIDENCE BOOSTER

There will be a confidence booster in each issue. Confidence is a big key to getting what you desire. Nobody is born with good self-confidence. We all have insecurities. Some people grew up in an environment that boosted their self-esteem and nurtured confidence. More didn’t.

Be Your Own Cheerleader!

When my confidence was low, I beat myself up for every little mistake or perceived flaw I noticed. Yet when a friend put herself down, I’d staunchly boost her up. Most of us would never put down a friend who made a mistake the way we rag on ourselves. And if we hear friends being self-critical, we usually do what we can to negate their thoughts with positive encouragement. I was always better at self-loathing than self-appreciation. When I finally learned how to be my own best friend, I got closer to owning real confidence.  

Good self-confidence begins in the mind. If you look for things to criticize about you, you’ll find them, since NO ONE is perfect. We all have things that we’d love to change if the wish fairy made an offer. But since we don’t live in fantasy, it’s important to accept ourselves as we are. In the spirit of faking confidence till I make it (ala Descartes’ “I think therefore I am,” that I discussed in the first issue), start encouraging yourself. It’s hard to be confident if you focus on what’s wrong with you. Even if you don’t believe it yet, tell yourself that you’re capable of accomplishing whatever you choose.  

Talk to yourself. I do and I’m not crazy (no arguments from friends, please!). It may feel funny at first but you’ll get used to it. Since I’m my best friend, I encourage me. Give yourself the support you give others! When I need a boost of confidence, I go to a mirror and say versions of “I’m Daylle Deanna Schwartz and I know who I am.” Or “I know I can do it.” Or “I’m good enough to handle this situation.” Sometimes I repeat it like an affirmation until I feel the power of my words. Give yourself pep talks in a mirror. If you keep doing it, the power of your words will sink in. You CAN do it. Take that from someone who never believed she’d do anything right and now pursues anything she chooses. Start cheering yourself on NOW!

Daylle’s relationship books, All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise and How to Please a Woman In & Out of Bed and her tape, Confidence Boosters, are available HERE and in bookstores.

3. TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR BODY

I’ll repeat this in every issue. Taking care of your body is a gift of love to you. Being healthy makes you feel better. This doesn’t mean striving for a perfect body or impressing a romantic partner. Create better nutritional habits, take vitamins/supplements and exercise for YOU! When you focus on being healthy, you give yourself love!

Below is an excerpt from Debbie Mandel’s new book, Changing Habits: The Caregivers’ Total Workout. Debbie recognizes the importance of taking care of your own needs, despite your obligations to others. The more love you show to yourself first, the more you have to give. And exercise is a loving act.

EXERCISE CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE
By Debbie Mandel

© 2005, Debbie Mandel, reprinted with permission, excerpt from Changing Habits: The Caregivers’ Total Workout

Look at exercise as your lifeline. By exercising we are exercising the right to make time for the self, get rid of toxic stress, release the happiness hormones and most importantly generate the life-giving force that is our birthright. As a selfless wife, mother or daughter of aging parents, you should think of it this way: When the oxygen mask drops down from the overhead cabin of an airplane, you are instructed to first put it on your face and then on the face of the child sitting next to you. If you pass out, your charge is unattended and helpless. Exercise is your lifeline, your oxygen mask. It will extend your life and give you greater function, even stimulate your brain. After all it is not about how long you live, but how much life there is in your years.

The challenge is: how to get a stressed, over-scheduled person to exercise? This problem reminds me of the fairy tale Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. One of the dwarfs, Grumpy, is unhappy and proclaims, “I don’t want to be happy; I want to be sad!” Clinging to a stressed state gives a person something he or she is seeking - attention and concern - “Take care of me. I’m a victim.”  Sr. Diane Capuano advises caregivers, not to get caught up in the dynamics of nurturing and nursing, letting it take over your whole identity. Everyone needs a variety of support systems. She realizes that sometimes we even feel guilty about having a good time.  Think about the expression I’m so happy, I can’t stand it!  Language is emotionally revealing. It becomes difficult to negotiate our dependency and caregiving. We tend to forget that we have a right to live our own life and find happiness.

Realize that exercise empowers you. Exercise physically and mentally empowers the self, awakening the potential to grow and move on.  For example, I have observed women who felt unsatisfied and uncomfortable in their job and marriage, or felt pressured to be the perfect mother or daughter. Then they began a strength-training program.  After about a year they were able to change their own dynamics to find greater fulfillment.  As they put on more muscle, coordinated their movements and improved their balance, they transferred these skills to their emotional lives. Training involves core stability first, then mobility.  As they looked better and felt healthier, they blossomed with a newfound creative force and, most importantly, self-confidence. They continued to exercise regularly because of these motivating benefits, which gave them the ability to look at their “smaller” problems and see the total picture--then the solution. Practicing a daily regimen of exercise awakens the senses to greater pleasure in life.

Follow these simple guidelines when you are experiencing an energy crash due to bouts of intense busyness…

Debbie Mandel, MA, is the author of Turn On Your Inner Light and Changing Habits. She is also a stress-management specialist and motivational speaker, hosts a weekly health/ fitness radio show and runs an educational website: www.turnonyourinnerlight.com Check her out!

4. GOOD HEALTH EMPOWERMENT

We can do many things to improve our health. I strongly believe in complementary medicine – using both traditional and alternative treatments. In each issue I’ll include an alternative solution to a physical problem. Doing something to alleviate a physical problem increases happiness. Healer Conny Jasper explains some of the different techniques used in holistic healing below. Use her article as a reference/guide for exploring alternative options for good health.

An Introduction to Holistic Healing

by Conny Jasper, MA

Holistic healing takes into account the whole person – achieving health by balancing physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects. Among the various approaches to holistic healing there are many choices. Often a combination of methods helps to achieve deep and lasting results. So it is important to educate yourself, and have some understanding of what is available. These are some of the major holistic or alternative methods for healing:  

Therapeutic Bodywork - Therapies for the body utilize physical manipulations that have a healing effect on the body and psychological wellbeing. These include Acupressure or Shiatsu, Acupuncture, Chiropractic, Massage, Polarity, Reflexology, Rolfing, Alexander Technique, Feldenkrais, Hellerwork.  

Energy Balancing – Healing energy is used to cleanse, activate, or balance the body's internal energy. The practitioner uses their hands to channel energy from the Universe into the client. This type of healing practice is known by names such as "laying on of hands," Reiki, Radiance, and Mariel.  

Counseling and Psychotherapy - A professional therapist assists the client in bringing into awareness and processing aspects of the client's personality, social behavior, thoughts, feelings, and experiences. The goal is for the client to realize their full potential as a healthy human being and to be able to make choices and decisions for themselves.

Integrative Bodymind Therapy - The word bodymind describes the connection between the physical and the psychological. For example, a severe wound, disease, or physical impairment has a definite psychological impact. Also, mental and emotional stress causes stress to the body. The integrative bodymind therapies are often used along with the traditional "talk therapy" of conventional psychology. Methods include Gestalt Psychotherapy, Yoga Therapy, Bioenergetics, and Hakomi.

Hypnotherapy - The hypnotherapist guides the client into a deeply relaxed state where the unconscious is more accessible and open to disclosing the cause of problems and to the healing suggestions given by the hypnotherapist.

Herbalism and Homeopathy - Herbal or homeopathic remedies are used to ease the symptoms of or to cure an illness. Homeopathic medicine utilizes the principle of "like cures like." It uses extremely diluted doses of substances that, in undiluted form, would otherwise cause the affliction in a healthy person. Homeopathic remedies help the body to use its innate healing power. Herbs are plants that are used for their medicinal, palatable, or aromatic qualities. Herbs can be a natural part of healing and nurturing when they are used correctly. 

Conny Jasper, MA is an author, poet, and healer in Somerset, NJ. Check her out at:    http://home.earthlink.net/~connyjasper.

Daylle speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. For more info on booking her to speak: http://www.daylle.com/daylle/bookdaylle.html  She also does private home personal growth eventings - invite a group of friends to get empowered!

5. COMMUNICATION EMPOWERMENT  

Asking with Good Expectations

When we’re insecure, it comes through in how we ask for something. People can tell if you’re seriously expecting a positive response vs. holding your breath for the worst. When you sound like you’re just hoping for instead of expecting a positive response, people won’t be as quick to give it.  “I would like____. Can you get it for me?” doesn’t work as well as “I expect to get the ___. When will you have it for me?”

“Can you?” gives them an easier opportunity to say no. It tells the person to think about whether or not they’ll grant your request. “When can you?” assumes they will and sets the tone for the person to think about when he or she will do it, not IF. It comes across as more confident too. “Will you give me an appointment to make a presentation for you” offers too much opportunity to turn you down. “What is a good time for me to meet with you” puts the ball more in your court.

We get back what we put out. If you don’t expect to get much, you probably won’t ask in a way that will get good results. The more serious you sound about receiving what you ask for, the better your chances of getting what you want. Can you rephrase what you want in a way that says you expect a positive response? Of course you can! J Think before speaking. Ask for help if necessary to come up with better ways to ask for what you want. You’ll see that it’s worth the effort when you get what you need!

6. HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP EMPOWERMENT

Breaking Patterns to Let Healthy Love In

You’re with someone who you know isn’t good for you. Finally, it hits you that it’s time to exit. But you’re lonely and seek another partner. Surprise – they have the same patterns and problems as the last guys or chicks you’ve been with. How can this be?? “Why can’t I find a decent person to be with?” you lament. I used to wonder if all men were clones of each other. Until I figured out that we’re attracted to what we’re used to, no matter how bad it feels or how much we complain about it.

I hear it all the time – “Why do I always attract men who drink too much?” “Are there any women who aren’t after my wallet more than they like me?” We don’t like certain qualities in a romantic partner yet we continue dating people with them. “Is it me?” you wonder. Yes. But, you can stop it NOW!

Does it seem ridiculous to continue to get involved with people who have the same traits that made you leave other people you were romantically involved with? It’s an incredibly common occurrence that took me a long time to understand. While ideally we’d like to be with a healthy partner who makes us happy, we tend to seek what we’re comfortable with. If you’re used to being with someone who’s controlling, abusive, cold, or any other qualities you hate, you’ve learned defenses to deal with them. Someone different is a new experience and often feels uncomfortable, despite the fact that he or she makes you very happy.

Change – good or bad – can be very uncomfortable for most of us. I had the same basic problems over and over with men I dated years ago. As my self-esteem increased, I still couldn’t comprehend my continued involvement with clones. After finally stepping back from dating, I paid close attention to the pattern I attracted from man to man and the needs these guys filled. It took time to see what they reflected in me. I did feel a warped sense of comfort because I knew how to deal with their issues. Something in me needed to change! 

If I could break my patterns and begin to date men who were healthier for me, you can too! It begins with awareness of the cycle you create. List the people you’ve been with. What’s the common thread between them? Think about what you really want in a romantic partner. Some of the common reasons we attract the same types over and over are:

* Feeling unworthy. If you have low self-esteem, you might feel that all you can attract is someone beneath what they think they are. That was my M.O. for years. Do you put limits on who you can attract because you don’t feel you can attract someone better? Do you accept abuse from a partner as punishment for your shortcomings? STOP!!!!!!

We’re ALL worthy of being treated well. We’re ALL worthy of being loved. Perceiving yourself as too fat, not making enough money, being unattractive, not being smart enough, etc., does not make you deserve to settle for someone who doesn’t make you happy! Practice treating yourself with respect. Write down all your good qualities. If you can’t think of many, ask friends who care about you to give you things for your list. Read it often to drill home that you’re worthy of a man or woman who rocks your world in a way that makes you smile a lot, not run for cover.

* Insecurity. Catering to someone’s needs can make you feel more important and needed. And in control. Too many people of both sexes are attracted to someone that needs fixing. Or we try to fix them anyway! We often believe if we become indispensable to someone, he or she will stay. NOT! Eventually the person will leave you wondering what more you could have done to keep them there. Then you move onto the next fixer-upper project, wondering why you always find damaged people. These relationships can make you feel more insecure about being with someone who doesn’t need your help. After all, if the damaged guy or chick didn’t work out, how can you possibly make someone healthy stay? 

Being with one needy person after another can make you even more insecure about being with a healthy person. You may want a healthy partner but don’t know what to do with someone who doesn’t need you fawning all over them. If you fall into this category, break the pattern of finding projects to date. They make you feel better about yourself because you can help them, not because of who you are. Reinforce yourself as I suggested above. It’s much more satisfying to be wanted instead of needed.

Take a risk with someone who just likes you because you’re you, not for what you give! Trust me, it’s much more satisfying. I used to be a caregiver to every man I dated so he’d stay. Now I still like to give but it’s unconditional, and I receive just as much. That’s a lot more satisfying.

* Not knowing how to be with someone who treats you well. It saddens me to know how many people don’t know how to receive love, affection, caring, good treatment and other goodies. It sounds illogical at first. But when you haven’t been with a partner who treats you well, it can be hard to receive the good stuff from someone you’re involved with. This is a very common problem, especially in men, though women experience it too.

I bumped into Lewis and asked how it was going with the chick he’d said was the best woman he’d ever met – easy-going, caring and patient with him. Lewis had been excited when they got involved. He bent over backwards to please this lovely lady. After always being in damaging relationships, Lewis was happy with Sara. She even inspired him to change some unhealthy ways. Unfortunately, after saying that out loud, he sabotaged the relationship. He vehemently denied it when I brought it up. Yet days later, he was in a car accident.  

When I called to see how he was, Lewis said that Sara showed her “true colors” by getting very controlling. How? She wanted to come over to help because he had a hard time doing anything. How dare she insist! He proudly said he refused her help and told her in clear terms what a bad person he thought she was. “How dare she push herself on me?” Yet earlier he’d done more for Sara, including insisting on bringing her food and staying with her when she got sick. Hello! Yet when she tried to do a small fraction of what he did for her he turned it into a reason to alienate her. I tried in vane to get Lewis to see what he was doing. He’d never had a kind girlfriend and pushed her away when things went extremely well between them.