Self-Empowerment Tips & Tools

an e-zine for the mind, body and spirit, for men and women  

ISSN 1073-6158                                                                                                             Volume 3 Issue 2

Table of Contents

1. HAPPINESS EMPOWERMENT

I begin every issue with an article about bringing more happiness into your life. A sincere sense of ongoing joy eludes a majority of people. I want to help change that! Please read this carefully if you don’t want to waste another precious minute of life without feeling contentment and joy when you wake up each day, despite life’s snags. Don’t be one of those who wait until they’re much older and then lament how much they missed. It’s all YOUR choice. This issue I discuss how to keep your protective walls porous in order to take risks that let happiness in NOW.

Finding Your Passions

I can’t say enough times that happiness stays elusive if you don’t find and follow your passions. I use the plural of passion since you can have many of them. I do! Finding your passion is not about just one thing. It can expand and change and multiply as you see how lovely it is to do the things that bring you joy!

I never wanted to teach. Yet I began my adult life as a teacher and continued to do it as I searched for ways to follow my passions. I also worked on getting as far from DoorMatville as possible. It took time. I tried new things while I still had a steady income and saved money when I could. Networking opened some doors. My strong faith opened more.  

When I finally felt strong enough, I burned the renewal form for my teaching license, which was my security blanket. And, I swore I’d never do anything for money that I didn’t love. I gave up teaching as my expenses increased and honestly didn’t know how I’d support myself. Following my passions kept me grounded. My faith kept me from worrying and I managed to find ways to make money from my abilities, doing things I enjoyed. I’ve NEVER regretted giving up what I had no passion for and the security it brought. NEVER!  

I didn’t get my first book deal for a few years but I slowly—step by step—reinvented myself. I helped others write their books, which I still do, and put my talent to work. My friend sometimes tease that they don’t wonder if I’ll make enough to pay my bills. They love seeing where the money will come from. I always manifest enough income.  

I burned my license 13 years ago. 13 GLORIOUS years ago! I wasn’t scared to let go of sources of income that didn’t bring me pleasure. My strong faith allowed me to focus on the immense joy I felt about doing what I wanted. I began to wake up every day with a smile, excited to see what the day would bring. I still do! I’ve chosen a path that’s completely passion driven so there’s no room for fear! The satisfaction from it makes everything else secondary.  

You CAN bring yourself to a place of contentment and happiness too! When I began I had no faith. It was generated from testing it and getting results. I was a DoorMat who lived to please others. Now I live to please myself and help others too.  

So how can you get to the place of loving your work? It doesn’t have to be from working for yourself, though for many of us it’s the way to go. A lot of people find satisfaction in their jobs. The main thing is to be happy about what you do, wherever and whatever it is. Here are some steps that I found helpful:

* Think about whether you love, or even like, the things you do, whether work or play. We’re often on auto-pilot when it comes to living. I’d go through the motions without even thinking about what I was doing. Ask yourself, “Do I feel happy with what I do?” If it’s not a resounding YES!, turn off your auto-pilot and begin to pay attention to what you like and don’t like.

* Pay attention to how others talk about their jobs. Do you want to spend your life like those who complain or can’t wait to retire? Or do you want to feel the kind of satisfaction you hear from those of us who discuss our careers with passion?

* Pay attention to any parts of your current job that you enjoy. You might actually enjoy the work but dislike the company, so working in a different place might be all that’s needed. Or you might want to get a job that allows you to do more of the aspects you like. For example, if you like helping others to troubleshoot the computers in your office, consider taking a class on how to do just that for a living. If you love the times you work directly with people, look for a job in communications.

* Pay attention to your outside interests. Write down everything that you’d love to do if you only had the time. Then look for jobs that might allow you to further that passion. If you love to travel, research jobs in the travel industry. If you love animals, there are jobs at organizations for animal rights or even the zoo. You might be able to put your skills to use in an environment that deals with what you love.

* Take a class in whatever interests you. See if new skills can lead to a more satisfying career. Talk to the instructor and make new friends with your interests. Networking is key to finding your passion.

* Volunteer. Do some free work for an organization that does something of interest to you. Learn as much as you can and network your socks off. You never know when an opportunity will open and someone you helped will think of you for it. A teacher I know took a PR class, just because doing publicity interested her. She then volunteered to do PR for some non-profits and did so well that she was offered a PR job. Now she’s a successful and very happy full time publicist. I’ve improved some of my skills and made good contacts while volunteering for organizations in the field I want to be in.

* Close you ears to the nay-sayers. I wouldn’t be where I am now if my students hadn’t said I couldn’t rap because I was a white woman. That led me to prove them wrong and an awesome career beyond that. Many times I’ve been told “you can’t do that” and proved them wrong. People trapped in their little boxes on auto-pilot see through the blinders of their own limitations. If YOU believe it, you can do it. Those who CHOOSE to rise to the top of their game.

* Use your spiritual faith to manifest. I often look up and say thanks for something I don’t have yet. As I became a faith-based person, I began to manifest small things. Each one led to more. Since I know with all my heart that I get support in everything I need, I take BIG risks. No matter how bad things have looked at times, I always waited for a miracle and always have enough money for what I want.

* Decide what’s more important—money or happiness. It’s definitely possible to have both, but happiness is a much more satisfying goal. Money often doesn’t make someone happy if the work sucks! As someone who sometimes lives on the financial edge—since I turn down all but things I want to do—I can say with certainty that being happy with what you do is the best gift you can give to yourself—much better than money can buy.

Don’t make excuses to stay unhappy with your job. And, there’s nothing with having a job you don’t love but that doesn’t make you unhappy if it allows you to follow other passions. Being a happy person should be the outcome. If you go to an office with nice people, don’t feel like you can’t wait for the day to end—every day—and you have lots of joy outside the office, that could be the right track for you. Otherwise, use some of my tips to stir the passion in your life.

Living to the fullest is the best. You may be scared but when you are, remember that you can’t get the time you waste back. It’s better to try and not get where you want than to look back when you’re older and feel regret that you didn’t take a chance. “What if I’d only done this or that?” can make your later years feel worse. I lived on the safe path when I was a DoorMat. And I was rarely happy. Now I wake up smiling every day.

There will be a confidence booster in each issue. Confidence is a big key to getting what you desire. Nobody is born with good self-confidence. We all have insecurities. Some people grew up in an environment that boosted their self-esteem and nurtured confidence. More didn’t.

Smile! Smile! Smile! Smiling radiates confidence and reflects a positive attitude. Serotonin, which reduces stress and builds your immune system, is produced when you curl those lips into a grin. Plus, you look better smiling! People around me actually say they like seeing me because I smile a lot. That makes me smile more! Looking glum or stoic makes people think you’re not self-assured. Smiling makes people wonder what you’re up to since you seem sure of yourself. So you come across as more confident while feeling better! That’s a great 2for1 deal!  

I’ll repeat this in every issue. Taking care of your body is a gift of love to you. Being healthy makes you feel better. This doesn’t mean striving for a perfect body or impressing a romantic partner. Create better nutritional habits; take vitamins/supplements and exercise for YOU! When you focus on being healthy, you give yourself love!

Healthy & Lean Without Following Rules
by Naoko Ikeda

Until recently, diets have been mostly about how much you should eat of what and how many calories you burn versus how many you take in.Now there's a buzz aroundmindful eating. Some experts say thatmindful eatingcan help us stay healthy and lean.

So what does it mean to eat mindfully? I've been a student of mindful eating for quite some time soI'll share my interpretationofmindful eating:

* Listen to your body. You're thinking, "What the #$@%?!I'll eat the whole house!" If you've spent your whole life living in your head and judging what's good or bad for your figure, this sounds crazy. It takes practice and patience to learn to do this. See references belowif you needsome support.

* Give your cravings some space to breathe. Before you dive into the first junk food you can get your hands on, ask yourself, what you are really looking for. What flavor, what texture, what temperature? What triggered the craving? What time of the day is it? Are you thirsty? Do you always crave the same thing? Be curious about your craving, develop a relationship with it. It doesn't mean you won't give into the craving, it just means you are present with it. You can learn so much about yourself through this exercise.

* Pay attention to how the food affects you. During and after eating certain foods, do you feel tired? Energized? Nervous? Happy? Guilty? Virtuous? The same foods can have different effects in different situations.

* It doesn't need to be boring or complicated. Many peopleare turned off by the term "mindful eating" because itimplies thatyoueat in deep meditation. Mindful eating is more about awareness. So if you are aware that you are eating and watching TV at the same time, that's mindful eating! Nice, right? Let meshare some secrets, I mindfully drive and eatsometimes...and I mindfully drink a few too many beers on hot summer days :-)

* Whether you are on or off a "diet" is irrelevant. If you approach a fad diet with mindfulness you will learn from it and know when to get off. On the other hand, by being mindful, you don't need to count calories or deprive yourself to feel healthy and balanced. However, if your healthcare provider prescribes you a diet,please follow it.

* Knowing the basics is helpful. You already know that eating a variety of vegetables, fruits, whole grains, and high quality proteins is good for your health. Over consumption of processed foods tend to drain us andlead to poor health. But when to eat how much of what is up to your body's needs. Living and eating mindfully, I naturally crave what's healthful, most of the time.

* It's a relationship, not a technique. Just like your relationships with people, your experience with mindful eating will evolve over time. It can be fulfilling but it may never be perfect.Nurture it, love it, respect it, and let it grow. What I've given you are notes from my relationship with mindful eating. I encourage you to read up on this topic and talk to your friends and family about your own experience.
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Naoko Ikeda is an Integrative Personal Trainer, providing a Holistic approach to fitness and wellnessin Harrison, NY. She’s also a Board Certified Holistic Health Counselor and a graduate of the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. Check her out on http://www.moveforwellness.com/.

It’s concerned me for a while that so much health research is done on men. Then the facts are generalized to include women. This isn’t good for women, since our bodies are very different. So are our needs and the symptoms of health problems. Heart disease is the number­ one killer of women. Yet we judge heart attacks by what happens to men. Dr. John A. Elefteriades and Dr. Teresa Caulin-Glaser want to change that!

I’m grateful that they wrote the recently released, The Woman’s Heart: An Owner's Guide (Prometheus Books, 2008), dedicated to a woman’s heart. They kindly allowed me to excerpt some below. The authors examine the differences in the structure and function of the heart in women, exploring the effects of hormonal influence as well as the phases of the lifecycle. They provide a description of the symptoms of heart disease specific to women. Even if you’re not a woman, everyone should be aware of the signs of heart disease in half the population!

The authors’ goal is to provide an “owner’s manual” for women to take care of their hearts; to be more attuned to female symptoms of heart disease. If you should develop or currently suffer from heart disease, this book will make you well versed on gen­eral options and expectations. Whether you’re a woman or you want to be more vigilant about the health of a woman you care about, pay attention to this book! If your love partner, or mom, or female friend complains about symptoms that are often written off, you might save her life!

The Woman's Heart
By John A. Elefteriades MD and Teresa Caulin-Glaser MD

When it comes to the health of hearts, the differences between men and women can have serious consequences. Because heart dis­ease in women is often dissimilar to that of men, our medical system has been guilty of under-recognition and substandard scien­tific investigation and clinical treatment of women’s heart disease. The quintessential image of angina (the medical term for chest pain or discomfort due to disease of the blood vessels of the heart) usually shows a middle­-aged man clutching his chest in agony. This is the mental picture imprinted in physicians’ conscious­ness from the first day of medical school.  

The physician has not been conditioned to think immediately of coronary heart disease in the female patient. Women, we are beginning to realize, may not feel heart attack pain in the same way men do. By virtue of her hor­monal protections, the woman was considered to be practically immune to coronary artery disease until well after the change of life. This assumption likely affects how physicians regard the threat of a heart attack in their female patients. It also often prevents women from being appropriately screened for risk factors for heart disease before they reach menopause or have a heart attack.  

For decades, virtually no scientific research addressed the specific manifestations of heart diseases in women. This phenomenon led to powerful regulations from the National Institutes of Health requiring enhanced enrollment of female subjects in heart research. In recent years, study after study has shown that heart disease eludes detection in women, even in the hands of otherwise superbly trained and widely experienced physicians. Furthermore, once heart disease is diagnosed, aggressive treatment and secondary preventive therapies in women are often less optimal as compared with those for men.  

The concept that women are immune to heart disease is, simply put, a fallacy. After menopause, women catch up very quickly to men in the prevalence of coronary artery disease. Equally important, in women younger than fifty who do suffer a heart attack, the statis­tics are frightening: these women are twice as likely to die during their hospitalization for the heart attack as compared with men. Consider the following sobering facts:  

INCIDENCE OF HEART DISEASE IN WOMEN
MYTH: Breast cancer is the number­ one killer of women.
FACT: Cardiovascular disease kills the most women. While breast cancer claims 42,000 women in the United States each year, cardiovascular disease accounts for the deaths of 500,000 women in the United States annually. In fact, three times as many women die of heart disease each year as from all cancers combined. Virtually half of all female deaths are caused by heart disease.

MYTH: Only men are affected by heart attacks.
FACT: More women than men die of heart attacks each year. This has been true since 1984. Currently, women represent nearly 55 percent of all deaths from cardiovascular disease.

RISKS OF TREATMENTS FOR CORONARY ARTERY DISEASE
MYTH: Women and men have the same symptoms during a heart attack.
FACT: Women are often delayed in seeking or receiving care for heart attacks. The symptoms of heart attack may be different in women than in men. Men more often experience the classic chest pain and pres­sure, while in women, the symptoms may manifest themselves only as gastrointestinal discomfort/pain, shortness of breath, shoulder/ arm/upper ­back discomfort/pain, nausea, jaw pain, extreme fatigue, dizziness, or any combination of these. The woman herself or the treating physician may fail to recog­nize the symptoms and to reach the correct diagnosis.

NATURAL PROTECTION FROM HEART DISEASE UNTIL MENOPAUSE
MYTH: Only postmenopausal women are at risk for heart disease or have heart attacks.
FACT: Generally, women are protected from coronary artery dis­ease until menopause. However, this is not absolute. Before the change of life, vascular disease is held in check by the woman’s hormones as well as a low likeli­hood of cardiac risk factors. The occurrence of heart dis­ease in younger women is usually related to the presence of very strong risk factors such as a family history of heart disease, tobacco use, diabetes mellitus, or markedly abnormal cholesterol levels. Unfortunately, with the increasing incidence of obesity, smoking, inactivity, hypertension, and diabetes in teenagers and young women, we may see heart disease at increasingly younger ages in the future.

A TENDENCY FOR CERTAIN HEART DISEASES AMONG WOMEN
MYTH: Men are more likely than woman to die from a heart attack.
FACT: Men are at higher risk for all types of heart problems, compared with women. Although we tend to think of heart disease as a male phe­nomenon, certain cardiac illnesses actually occur more commonly in women. Among those cardiac diseases are mitral valve prolapse, rheumatic fever, and ulcers of the aorta (the main artery of the body).

DIFFICULTY OF DIAGNOSTIC TESTING IN WOMEN
MYTH: The accuracy of diagnostic testing for heart disease is equal in men and women
FACT: Some noninvasive testing for heart disease can often lead to false positive results in women (that is, the test result suggests that heart disease is present when it is not). For example, in one of the most useful diagnostic tests for coronary artery disease—the nuclear stress test—the images can be misleading for one simple reason: the shadow of the left breast obscures the camera’s view of the heart’s shadow.

SEVERITY OF HEART DISEASE IN WOMEN
MYTH: Men are more likely than woman to die from a heart attack.
FACT: Heart attacks are more lethal in women than in men up to the age of seventy-­five, when the death rates become equal. Younger women have a particularly high risk for death from a heart attack, compared with younger men.

MYTH: A woman who has not had a heart attack is not at risk for developing heart failure.
FACT: Almost 63 percent of deaths from heart failure occur in women. Untreated high blood pressure places a woman at a greater risk to develop heart failure compared with a man—even if she has never had a heart attack.

For all these reasons, it is imperative that women be well informed about recognition and treatment of heart illness.
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John A. Elefteriades, MD is chief of cardiothoracic surgery and professor of surgery at Yale University School of Medicine and Yale New Haven Hospital and co-author of Your Heart: An Owner’s Guide and House Officer Guide to ICU Care.

Teresa Caulin-Glaser, MD, FACC is Director of Preventive Cardiology and Research at the McConnell Heart Health Center, Riverside Methodist Hospital, a clinical associate professor of Internal Medicine at Ohio State University and co-author of four medical textbooks and numerous journal articles.

Interview with Brian Klemmer

Brian Klemmer’s latest book is The Compassionate Samurai: Being Extraordinary in an Ordinary World (Hay House, 2008). I was delighted to read a book that encourages a mindset so close to what I believe. The business world is known for being cutthroat at times. Business people become aggressive in their pursuit of success. But it doesn’t have to be that way! The Compassionate Samurai has brilliant suggestions for keeping your integrity in ways that can help you win. Like my upcoming Nice Girls Can Finish First book does for women’s life skills, Klemmer gives business practices a makeover to provide constructive alternatives for getting ahead in an ethical way. I had lots of questions for him that he kindly answered for you to learn from.

How would I define a Compassionate Samurai? “A compassionate samurai is a huge result producer whose life is about contribution. Most people tend to be either nice people who do not produce large results OR large result producers who are greedy self centered and even non ethical. At Klemmer & Associates we train people to be Compassionate Samurai.”

What made me write the Compassionate Samurai? “The world is in trouble. Especially our country. It doesn’t take a genius to see that although it does take a great deal of courage to admit it and do something about it. The key to solving the problems are character issues. That is so with an individual, a company or a country. The book, and Klemmer & Associates Leadership Seminars Inc. is dedicated to creating bold ethical leaders committed to a world that works for everyone with no one left out.”

How important is it to maintain a balance between having compassionate values and working hard to do what you can to pursue career goals? “Balance is a key to a lot of things including power and happiness. What the book is about is that compassionate values are not contradictory to material success, but actually complimentary and supportive. Contribution focus is not just a high moral principled thing to do it makes the most business success financially. A mediocre owner pays their employees just enough to keep from quitting. They do that thinking that maximizes profit. A mediocre employee works just hard enough to keep from getting fired thinking that maximizes their personal interest. Abundantly successful owners contribute to their employees by paying more than normal, by giving recognition, by listening to their viewpoints, by paying for opportunities to grow. In return they maximize profits. They have long term employees who take responsibility for the business reducing their work load who are exceptionally creative at solving problems. Same goes for contribution focused employees. They get promoted or fired. Sometimes fired because they are very threatening to mediocre managers. But either way they make more money.”

There are 10 codes in the book-that a compassionate samurai lives by. Why are they more important than business skills for getting ahead in business and life? “Skills produce incremental success and achievement. There is nothing wrong with that. Character changes however, produce both exponential increase and it is long lasting. Klemmer & Associates can create a bigger change in the bottom line in a shorter period of time in any company with character changes in honesty, trust, contribution, boldness, responsibility, honor, than anyone can with any skill set.Plus you can teach a skill set and people still won’t necessarily do it!My first book was titled, “If How To’s were enough we would all be skinny rich and happy”.People know how to lose weight, save money, be honest or respect others. It is character issues that prevent them from doing what they know to do.”

Why do I think so many people ignore many or all of the codes I discuss in the book in their pursuit of success? “Because it takes hard work and one character issue is that people want something for nothing.So they don’t want to invest money on a seminar to help solve the problem. They don’t want to take the time to do it. They want to do one seminar or talk to one person ONCE and have learned it. To make a samurai sword they take two metals, heat, fold, and beat them 80,000 times to produce the incredible sharpness, hardness, and yet flexibility they are known for. It is the same in becoming a leader. I think also that people are afraid as they start looking at themselves what they might find that they don’t like. That’s ironic because in my experience whatever they discover they don’t like is usually covering up something incredibly beautiful they currently can’t see.”

How can someone best face a challenge that creates a lot of fear? “First of all decide whether they really want what is beyond the challenge. Fear is not good or bad. It is simply an indicator that you are about to act outside your comfort zone. Sometimes that is dangerous and harmful and sometimes not. So there is a risk reward ratio that assists us in making that decision and in having the courage if the decision is to proceed. In other words you cannot make a valid decision on knowing only one side of that formula risk and reward. A $100,000 is not expensive or cheap until you know what value you are getting and what are your odds in getting the value. The problem becomes in that many rewards and risks are hidden. To the average person who is afraid of leaving their job they often have never experienced a higher paying, more fulfilling work and have no idea what all the rewards are to include things like being a great role model for your children so they have belief they can do what they want. Nor do they see or are willing to see all the risks in staying with their current job such as in ten years being a dead walking zombie with no passion in life. If the reward is high enough in ratio to the risk you will overcome any fear.”

How would I define success? “I have my own definition, but that is very different than the majority of people’s definition. You ask most people today what is success and their answer revolves around accumulation, acquisition, and consumption. I am not against those things, but I believe success centers around contribution. I would define success as being in alignment and fulfillment of your unique God given purpose. When people explore their unique purpose it somehow someway always deals with making a difference or contribution. In the process of achieving that we invariably accumulate things, but it is not the focus.”

Why do I think people believe that nice guys finish last? “Average people are myopic. They only think short term. How do I feel today. How much money am I making right now. Often times the not nice approach produces immediate results, but it does not last over the long haul.I have talked to young males and they have flat out told me, treat women a little mean and they stay with you. Be nice and they leave you. In the short term that is often unfortunately true. However in the long term it will not produce a great 20 year marriage. You can exploit someone in business whether it is a worker or a client and make more immediate cash. In the long term however it will be harder to keep employees or clients and to make as much money. Look at our environment.We do many things because we are myopic. We need to educate people on the value of thinking long term. Sustainability of a business or marriage is as important a part of your definition of success as is immediate quantity of results.”

How can nice guys give themselves the best chance to finish first? “By reading the book, taking our seminars and applying these ten character traits. We are result freaks. We like finishing at the top. In our corporate work it is often structured so that we don’t get paid unless we produce agreed upon results so we know these ten traits work. We are the only company that for people in the direct sales industry measures the participants increased income and recruitment and we publish it by company on our web site so we look foolish if we don’t produce.”

What is my best advice to someone who says, “My goal is to be successful”. “Clearly define it.Most people are vague in order to avoid failure, but ironically that produces failure. Then ask yourself whether that “success” resonates on three levels: your mind, your heart, and your spirit. It is a great way to make any decision.Does it make sense? Does it feel right in my heart? Does it resonate spiritually with you? Once you get a yes on all counts go for it full tilt. True happiness is knowing you are where you are supposed to be. It is being in alignment with your purpose.”
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Brain Klemmer has studied leadership since being at the United States Military Academy (1968-1972). Known for his humorous and practical style of communicating, Klemmer is one of today’s most in demand speakers. His character development and leadership seminar company, Klemmer & Associates Leadership Seminars Inc., has conducted its works for more than 100,000 people around the world for over 20 years. His clients include well-known corporations such as Aetna Life Insurance, American Suzuki Corporation, General Electric, Walt Disney Attractions, and many more. Check out The Compassionate Samurai (Hay House, 2008)

How to Be Irresistable to Your Mate
By Tina Tessina, Ph.D.

Once upon a time, in high school, I memorized a poem that has been a constant source of help and direction in my life and relationships. It’s simple and much more sentimental than today’s cynical age can handle, but the very simplicity of it made it a great navigational tool for me in relationships.

“He drew a circle that shut me out;
Heretic, Rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had the Wit to Win.
We drew a circle that took him in” – Edwin Markham

So many couples I see in my office are in trouble because they have a knee-jerk oppositional response to each other—they’re defensive and critical, rather than welcoming and understanding. They don’t seem to realize that listening and understanding your partner doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with everything that partner wants or thinks. Being pleasant doesn’t mean you’re a patsy, and it’s more effective to be loving than to be right.

Guidelines for Being Irresistible to Your Mate

1. Don’t resist, listen. We often have a knee-jerk negative response to what a mate tells us, or wants to do. Instead of replying negatively “That won’t work...” “We can’t do that...” Try listening and thinking for a few seconds more. You may find out your initial response changes, and at any rate, listening and understanding is not the same as agreeing.

2. Look your mate in the eyes and smile. Unless your partner is talking about something really sad (job loss, death, etc.) where a smile would be inappropriate, look him or her in the eyes and smile while you’re listening. Your companion will automatically feel more understood and cared about, which will change the feeling level of the discussion.

3. Touch each other. Sit near your significant other, and gently place your hand on his or her shoulder, leg, or arm. If you’re in the car, lightly touch his or her shoulder or arm. You’ll find your conversation becomes warmer and more caring.

4. Try laughter. If something frustrating is happening, try easing the tension with a bit of humor. After a difficult interaction in a store, on the way out, you could say “That went well.” with a touch of irony. Or, when someone drops something and makes a mess, you could say “the gremlins are here again.” Or use comedienne Gilda Radner’s line “It’s always something” Or Judy Tenuta’s “It could happen” to change stress to silliness. Don’t poke fun at your mate, but use shared humor as a way to say “I know this is tough, but we’ll get through it.” Your mate will think of you as someone soothing and helpful to have around when problems happen.

5. Use pleasant surprises. Try a love note in your spouse’s briefcase, a post-it with a smiley face on the underside of the toilet seat, a flower, plant, card or balloon for no reason, or an unexpected gentle pat on the rear, a hug or a kiss to say “I’m thinking good thoughts about you, and I love you.”

6. Ramp up the sweetness. Married life has its unavoidable stresses and strains. To keep things in balance, we need to put a bit of energy into increasing the sweetness between us. Thoughtfulness, “thank you’s” and gestures of politeness and affection are the WD-40 of your marriage. Keep things running smoothly by remembering to add a spritz of sweetness frequently.

7. Devote time to your marriage. No matter how crazed you are with work, kids and bills, it’s essential to put aside regular time each week for the marriage. Have a “date night” which includes a “state of the union” discussion (include the positive things going on) or take a pleasant walk or drive. Keeping connected means things don’t build up to fighting status, and you’ll remember how good you are together. Don’t forget to celebrate and appreciate each other. Motivation comes from celebration and appreciation.

8. Focus on Partnership. Remember that first and foremost, before anything else, you’re partners. Keep that in mind and check frequently to make sure you’re acting like partners, and not competitors or avoiders. You’re in this thing together, and partnership is what it’s all about.

9. Reminisce about Good Times. “Remember when....” is a great start to a loving conversation. It creates so much good feeling to remember how you were when you were dating, when you got married, when you first bought your house, when you had your first child, when you got that promotion. Reminding yourselves of your solid history together is a way to increase your bond.

10. Brag to friends in your mate’s hearing. Of course, tell your mate to his or her face how much you care, but also be sure to tell your friends, while your mate is around, what a great guy or gal you married. “Harold is so thoughtful. Today he helped me around the house.” Or “Sue is such a great mom. She really gives the kids a sense that they’re loved and she still keeps them toeing the mark.” Or, “Did you hear? Fred got a big promotion. I’m so proud of him.” Or, “I don’t know what I’d do without Judy. She’s so great with money.” Or “Doesn’t my sweetie look great today? I’m so lucky.” Don’t worry if your partner looks embarrassed. He or she will also be pleased, and remember your brag for a long time. (adapted from Money, Sex and Kids: © Tina B.Tessina, 2006)

Say, “Something nice will come into my life today.” : Say it over and over as an affirmation. Then keep your eyes open. Since your expectations attract things to you, putting this out as a positive expectations can attract a whole bunch of blessings that give you more love. And if you watch for more blessings, you’ll notice more good in your life. That’s a very loving gift to YOU!

 
Stop Being a Prisoner of Your Own Mind

Have you felt envy toward someone? Come on, admit it! We all sometimes yearn to have what someone else does. Did you wonder why he has so much luck? Or wish she’d fall on her face since it isn’t fair for someone else to get so much when you have none of it?? That’s a normal reaction. But those thoughts make you a prisoner. Each is a bar that holds you back from getting what you say you want.

Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.” Your thoughts manifest your reality. If it’s possible to get something and you think you can, you can. And if you think you can’t, you probably won’t! Are you thinking you’ve heard this many times before and know it? Then ask yourself, “Why haven’t I manifested what I want?” If you spend your thoughts on:

* All the reasons you can’t—then you wont be able to.
* Wishing you had what others do—prepare to live in a state of wishing.
* Making excuses or blaming situations for what you don’t have—enjoy being a victim of your thoughts!

I used to do all of the above in my DoorMat days. I was an unhappy victim of beliefs that kept me stuck in not getting what I wanted. The Law of Attraction worked with me in ways I didn’t understand, or like. I believed that nothing would go right for me and nothing did. My thoughts were dismal:

* I can never find the right people to help me.
* Why, oh why, don’t I have the guy or the job or the anything else someone had.
* Thinner girls got more than me.
* Woe is me, I’ll never be happy.

Yada, yada yada! Thoughts can keep you stuck or you can force yourself to change them and use them to unlock doors. Unless you like being a victim. Being a victim gives you more time to vege at the TV or online and gain weight and other negative results. All of that can later be used to fulfill the expectations that victimhood creates in your thoughts. Those thoughts are the real evil doers. Now that I understand the power of how my thoughts can hurt or help me, I quickly say a positive affirmation when a negative comes to mind.

“I can do anything I choose to do.”
“I’m as happy as I make myself.”
“I refuse to let evil doer thoughts hold me back!”

Most people can’t have 2 thoughts at the same time. So block out the evil-doers with something better until you break the habit of thinking victim thoughts. You can conquer those thoughts by consciously choosing to. It’s fun to watch how much you can get when you do. Now I control my mind, instead of letting it keep me in prison. Freedom in thinking allows you the opportunity to follow your passions! Then you have to do the work to manifest them. This former DoorMat is living that life now and it rocks. Join me!

In each issue I’ll answer a question about how to handle a specific situation. Please send in questions about something that you’d like help with.

My building superindent is lazy!
I live in an apartment building with a super who just doesn’t want to bother fixing anything. Whenever I see him I ask if he can repair the damage from a leak that happened a year ago. He always pushes me aside with empty promises, but doesn’t do it. I’m tired of living with peeling paint and cracks in my wall. How can I convince him? Pat T

My answer: First of all, you need to stop asking or trying to convince him. Own your right to have your apartment maintained properly. Stifle your anger and calmly, nicely, but firmly tell him the damage needs to be fixed. What day next week can it be done? If he gives you the usual runaround, smile and say that you thought he was the one who was supposed to do it but if you’re wrong, “Who can I call to get it done?” If he still tries to stonewall you, smile (like I discussed as a confidence booster) and say you’d rather not have to go to the building’s management or file a complaint a city agency (or whoever regulates housing where you live). But you will. What does he advise? If he still won’t do it, do go higher. Have as many dates handy (first time it happened, some of the times you’ve asked). What can you lose? He does nothing for you anyway.  

In every issue I’ll include success stories from my readers. Please send in yours. 

I went to Paris on my own!
Your article about living your dreams and how you went to Alaska by yourself really resonated with me. I studied French and art in school. Now I work at a gallery, but was dying to visit Paris, practice my language skills and explore the art I’ve only read about or seen on screen. I began a Paris fund and saved money out of every paycheck. Any cash gifts or bonuses I got went in too. It took me a bit of time to get up my nerve and actually book the trip. But I loved going on my own. It was fun deciding what I wanted to do each day. Now I feel I have more choices for future vacations and that feels empowering!~~~Heather 

I charged for my services!
I studied graphic design in school but haven’t been able to get a decent job doing it yet. My friends know I have this skill and often ask me to design things for them as a favor, for free of course. I enjoyed doing the art part but didn’t feel good knowing they were taking advantage of me and not valuing my talent. So I got a personal web page and posted my rates. Now when someone asks if I can design something, I suggest they check the page first. Some people got attitudes. In the past I’d have felt funny but now I cut one right back about my right to be paid for the skills I went to school to learn. I have a nice little side business now! Thanks for the kick about learning to value myself!~~~Chip L.

Well, that’s all for this issue. A BIG thank you to Naoko Ikeda, John A. Elefteriades MD, Teresa Caulin-Glaser MD and Tina Tessina Ph.D. and Brian Klemmer for allowing me to include their input. Please write and tell me things you’d like me to write about.
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Keep your passions strong! 

With love from,

Daylle

http://www.daylle.com

© 2008 Project Self-Empowerment, LLC