Self-Empowerment Tips & Tools

an e-zine for the mind, body and spirit, for men and women  

ISSN 1073-6158                                                                                                             Volume 3 Issue 3

Table of Contents

1. HAPPINESS EMPOWERMENT

I begin every issue with an article about bringing more happiness into your life. A sincere sense of ongoing joy eludes a majority of people. I want to help change that! Please read this carefully if you don’t want to waste another precious minute of life without feeling contentment and joy when you wake up each day, despite life’s snags. Don’t be one of those who wait until they’re much older and then lament how much they missed. It’s all YOUR choice. This issue I discuss how to keep your protective walls porous in order to take risks that let happiness in NOW.

Preparing to Follow Your Passions

I hear people say how bored and stuck they are but they feel it’s too late for them to make changes to have a more satisfying life. Even when you identify what you’re passionate about, it can be hard to pursue it. I often hear all the reasons conjured up for not making steps to become happier. There is NO good excuse for choosing not to be happy. Yes, choosing! I’ve met people who were quadriplegics—paralyzed from the neck down—and they tell me how happy they are. Yet so many who have much more going for them give up on creating a HAPPY life so easily!

Excuses—Excuses—Excuses—Excuses—Excuses—Excuses! It’s easy to make excuses! Taking steps forward is the hard part. I stagnated for years when I was too scared to make a move and convinced myself that was the way my life was, and would continue to be. The thought of change can be scary and actually making the change seems even scarier. So you stagnate like I did. Wishing—hoping—dreaming. And lamenting that you can’t get off your butt to get out of your rut. None of this brings happiness or satisfaction. Passion does!  

Staying in a boring or unhappy place shreds your self-esteem—and happiness. It can be a lot simpler to be unhappy than to guide yourself to a happy life. Figuring out what you’re passionate about, and pursuing it, nurtures bliss. Taking a passion filled road sets happiness in motion. It sends a message to the Universe that you’re serious. Doing what you love is sure to attract more passion and keep you smiling!  

The bad news: Rarely will someone take you by the hand and walk you out of your rut. All those wishes will remain wishes if you stay put. While the DVD and book, The Secret, has some great stuff in it, it minimizes the importance of doing the work to get what you want. Sitting around praying for what you want makes you good at praying, but not at manifesting!

The good news: You CAN achieve your dreams!! I felt hopeless for years, until I empowered myself with knowledge, skills, perseverance, and FAITH. And I put my desires out. People warned that I was too old to get a new career, that I didn’t have the skills and experience to do the things I yearned for, and in general, that I should stay a good little DoorMat and continue to live on autopilot in my unhappy rut, until I refused to remain unhappy! Then I took the first step and pulled my other leg behind it. Let the Law of Attraction assist you in realizing your dreams by putting out a clear message of what you desire—with your thoughts—AND your actions. 

Once you CHOOSE to pursue your dreams, no one can stop you! Except YOU of course. Your own negative thoughts keep you stuck. MANY naysayers suggested I save my energy since it was too late to develop a new and passion driven career. HA HA! HA! They’re all still in ruts while I’m on a passionate path of infinite possibilities. When you strengthen your faith, and practice using it, the world can be yours! I’m living proof!  

John C. Maxwell said, "Every worthwhile accomplishment has a price tag attached to it. The question is always whether you are willing to pay the price to attain it—in hard work, sacrifice, patience, faith, and endurance." Are you willing to empower yourself and find your passion? Are you willing to change your beliefs and let go of old security blankets and excuses for why you can’t do what you’d really LOVE to do? Are you willing to do what it takes?

Learning new skills and knowledge can counter doubts and skeptical feelings about not being able to try something new. Knowledge is a HUGE self-esteem booster. Preparation provides confidence to go after what you want. Acquiring knowledge and skills lightens the anxiety of trying new things and taking risks. When you feel inadequate, think about:

* What don’t I know that could help me?
* How can I learn it?

The more new skills and knowledge you acquire, the stronger your confidence can be. Find ways to improve your perceived inadequacies. Then stop lamenting about why you can’t do what you’d like. There are many levels of acquiring skills and knowledge. Set small and specific goals to prepare for pursuing desires. When you pinpoint what you think you lack, change it:

Advance your education. Do you feel inferior to co-workers? Does you think they know more than you? Learning changes that. Explore what might be valuable to know more about. What do co-workers lack that you could learn? Taking a class might help you get promoted. Increased knowledge bolsters confidence. Take one class at a time to empower yourself with knowledge.

Learn a skill. Are you tired of paying people to do what you could if you knew how? Do you have a desire to paint? Learn skills! Adult Ed classes and books teach how to do a gazillion things. Learn how to use watercolors, do simple plumbing, maintain a website, create a newsletter, etc., and you’ll feel more competent. Each skill you pick up puts another notch on your self-esteem belt, which increases happiness.

Get a tutor. Do computer classes go too fast or confuse you? Are you scared to take auto mechanics? Find an expert to give private instructions. I’m dense at reading manuals and find people to explain whatever I need, step-by-step. Computer whiz college kids helped me for a few bucks. A friend gave me a guided tour under my car’s hood. Find the right person to tutor you instead of feeling dumb about not understanding how to do something.

Practice to become the best you can be. Skills are like muscles—they improve with use. Decide what you’d like to do and practice, practice, practice. If it’s painting – make time to paint! Learn a language? Find someone who speaks it and chat. You’ll reach a higher level of competency by doing and doing. Be the best YOU can be. Forget perfection, or you’ll never be good enough. Practice to improve, not to compete with others.

Ask questions when you don’t understand. News flash! You’re not the only one who doesn’t grasp instructions. I used to nod in agreement and stressfully try to figure it out. Now I know that asking makes you smarter. Requesting more clarity doesn’t make you look bad. Asking shows you’re confident enough to ask. Insecure people don’t. You can’t know everything but can learn by asking for more info on what you need .

Get out and network! The more folks you meet, the more possible ways to get into doors to more passionate endeavors. Be friendly to everyone. You never know who might know someone that can help you. As you make more contacts, take more risks to get help from them.

The more you know, the less inadequate you feel. Self-empowered folks try to get better at doing things. Stay ahead of the curve by educating yourself when you can! Knowledge empowers! That gives you more confidence to take more risks to follow your passion. Then prepare to smile lot from the happiness it brings!

There will be a confidence booster in each issue. Confidence is a big key to getting what you desire. Nobody is born with good self-confidence. We all have insecurities. Some people grew up in an environment that boosted their self-esteem and nurtured confidence. More didn’t.

Write down your thoughts before speaking. Do you get nervous before you have to speak in front of a group, address a problem, or express something important? Or you may want to comment during a business meeting but feel intimidated. It’s normal to feel nervous. But the more you worry, the bigger fear becomes. That can unhinge your confidence. When I’m nervous about speaking up, I write everything down first. It helps sort your feelings or what you want to get across, all in one place. It also helps you sleep better, since you don’t have to spin what you’re going to say in your head. It’s right there on paper as a reminder!

Reading what you write helps it stick. I just addressed a very serious business situation and needed to make my points clearly, without alienating. I made notes for days before, reading and re-reading them. By the time we spoke, I knew what I had to say. It was by phone, so I could have read my notes. But it wasn’t necessary. Writing it down and studying it beforehand gave me the confidence to let the words come out on my own. Study as if you were studying for a test, then trust yourself to communicate the thoughts. 

I’ll repeat this in every issue. Taking care of your body is a gift of love to you. Being healthy makes you feel better. This doesn’t mean striving for a perfect body or impressing a romantic partner. Create better nutritional habits; take vitamins/supplements and exercise for YOU! When you focus on being healthy, you give yourself love! Learning a healthier way to eat is an act of love that gives you better results than forcing yourself onto tough diets or withholding all pleasure from food. I always prefer a natural remedy to real medications if possible. Svetlana Konnikova translated her mother’s old remedies into a book, Since so many folks get sick in the winter, she shares some that work for colds and the flu here.

Old European Remedies
by Svetlana Konnikova, MA, AN

Are you struggling with a cold and wish you had something tasty that would take the soreness and sniffles away? There used to be a full range of hot toddies, mulled ciders and meads that would have done the trick, but they seem to have disappeared over the years, replaced by a range of over-the-counter concoctions like Vicks, Nyquil and a range of cold medicines hawked by the aspirin makers.

Would you like to maintain your health and conserve your energy? Identify and eliminate the bad habits you practice and deplete them? First, you can temper your use of over-the-counter chemical preparations. Taken over the years, they rob you of your strength, poison you, and destroy your internal organs. Use the wisdom of the ages for the age in which we live. Most often, it was our grandmothers and mothers who nursed us back from sickness and our downs, using herbs, food and love as remedy. You can do the same by learning how to use natural pharmacy to heal and maintain your good health and energy with the fast pace of life in the twenty-first century.

Our ancestors survived by being smart and keeping themselves healthy with help from Mother Nature. Most of us come into this world as healthy human beings. Our bodies are designed to maintain the best in us. We are built to be solid, strong, and energetic. We can keep our bodies free of toxins and cleanse our systems periodically with herbs such as burdock, chamomile, dandelion, and garlic. Our natural resources, such as the sun, earth, and Nature, provide us with optimal energy. Thus, we are perfectly capable to self-heal when we are sick or injured. Take your health into your hands and maintain the knowledge of how to do that.

Colds and flu are usually in full swing during frosty winter months. There is no end to the old Eastern European remedies that can treat successfully these illnesses and send them far away. Time-tested, these natural cures have been used by European doctors, folk healers and families for centuries to stifle colds, sniffles and sneezes, as well as sore throats and noses. Most of these take some preplanning so that you have them in your refrigerator or herbal medicine chest when you need them, but it is worth it.

Let your vital power work for you. When you get a cold, see it as a real flag that your body has accumulated too many toxins and lost its internal purity. Let a stuffy nose be a sign that it is time to take the "trash" out and to relax and nurture yourself. Mother Nature will help you cleanse and purify your body. Allow your body's defenses to restore it to health. Do not disturb the process. Take several days off from your work and adhere to seven rules:

1. Put yourself (or your children) in a warm bed.
2. Go without food, including fruits and fruit juices (Hey! By fasting, you'll loose weight, too.)
3. Drink distilled water with honey and lemon and herbal teas.
4. Keep your bedroom refreshed and inviting.
5. Refrain from reading, watching TV, or listening to the radio.
6. Keep talking to a minimum.
7. Sleep as much as you can and relax during this cleansing process.

By following these simple tips, it will take you only three days to recover. Those days of relaxation and isolation will restore your health and happiness (as Bernard Shaw said in Back to Methuselah, "I enjoy convalescence. It is what makes the illness worthwhile.") Most importantly you did not put any over-the-counter drugs into your body. Hot teas, cold compresses and warm hearts definitely keep colds at bay. Try the following infusions to rid body of toxins and treat your cold:

*Place one teaspoon of dried raspberries in eight ounces of boiling water. Steep for 20 minutes. Filter and drink one cup of hot raspberry tea twice daily--once before you go to bed.

*Combine one teaspoon dried raspberries and one teaspoon dried peppermint leaves with one cup boiling water in a glass jar. Cover with a lid and steep for 20 minutes. Filter and drink one cup of hot tea before bedtime as a diaphoretic medicine.

*Red bilberries are popular in people's medicine. This "mountain cranberry" is effective as a juice or tea to treat cols. Combine one tablespoon fresh red bilberries in a pot with one cup water. Boil, add organic raw honey and drink one hot cup two to three times a day.

* Eat two to three pieces of garlic every day as a preventative measure during flu season.

* A medicinal tea of rose hips with honey provides fast relief when you have a cold with a headache, cough, and laryngitis. This tea is also available in the treatment of cardiac-vascular diseases, high blood pressure, and diarrhea. Combine one cup of rose hips with one quart of water in an enamel pot. Boil 10 minutes, filter, and add three tablespoons of honey. Drink two ounces three to four times a day.

Chamomile, the motherly herb, can also help you to ease colds and the most common illnesses. Look at the night sky full of stars. It looks like a miraculous island of lights. An ancient legend tells that one night tiny stars dropped from the sky and fell to the earth as chamomile flowers. Chamomile, because of its rich medicinal properties is used extensively in many natural remedies to treat colds, insomnia, allergic reactions, occasional constipation, and bowel cleansing. The Latin name for chamomile is Matricaria Chamomilla. The name is derived from the Latin word mater, which means mother. A kind herbal healer for the people, chamomile is like a good nurturing mother and is a favorite, valued folk remedy in Europe and worldwide.

*Combine one tablespoon chamomile flowers, two tablespoons licorice root, two tablespoons thyme, and two tablespoons marshmallow flowers with one quart of boiling water. Steep for 20-30 minutes. Take one cup three to five times daily after a meal. This is a natural cough suppressant.

Warm baths can be soothing and relaxing in cold and flu treatment. Try this fragrant, mixed herbal bath:

*Combine two ounces each chamomile flowers and linden flowers with one quart water in an enamel pot. Boil slowly for 15-20 minutes. It is a fever-reducing treatment and also helps sleeplessness or skin irritation.

*After taking bath, prepare one cup warm water or chamomile tea with one tablespoon organic raw honey and drink before bedtime. This natural sedative promotes sound sleep and regulates stomach activity.

These are just a few of the old Eastern European herbal remedies for colds, flu and some other common ills. You can use many other effective natural treatments. Be smart! Start your own green clinic right in your house. Reinvent yourself this New Year! Knowledge is power that will improve your life and will warm your heart as you sit by the blazing fire reading a good book and sipping the delicious, spicy, steaming cup of tea to cure that cold.

***NOTE: Always seek advice from your physician about any condition that may require diagnosis or medical treatment.
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Svetlana Konnikova is an award-winning writer, founder of Healthy Wisdom Club, entrepreneur, and an avid researcher of herbal medicine, healthy lifestyles and holistic health practices that combine contemporary thought with the world's great spiritual, cultural and healing traditions. Her mission is to expose people to the ways other cultures prevent sickness and improve their health. Learn more at www.mamashomeremedies.com.

A lack of energy hurts you. Feeling tired or stressed makes it harder to feel happy. We all know that. But, it doesn’t stop us from putting ourselves through situations that bring it on. Stress saps your energy. Below, Debbie Mandel has tips for saving your energy for good things.

Eliminate Your Energy Busters
by Debbie Mandel

The winter solstice is over and the winter blahs have set in. Are you feeling tired, the kind of tired where nothing really matters anymore? Have your energy levels dipped to the point that you feel like you are dragging around a leg iron? It’s time to relax and be patient. Save your energy the way water does when it cannot go over an obstacle. Water waits for the rain to fall, so it can collect itself and rise; for at this point it will not hesitate to flow over a rock in the creek or go around it. Water finds its path.  

Rainier Maria Rilke reminds us: “How deep is the reservoir from where your life flows.”

Divide a sheet of paper in half—two columns. Under one heading write: “The things I love to do.” Under the second heading: “The Things I’m good at doing.” After you have brainstormed for a while and your lists have grown, note the point(s) where the two lists intersect. If you are still stuck for inspiration, consult your friends: “What do you think I am good at doing?” Ultimately, make sure to be specific about what you envision for yourself. You don’t want to ask the universe for love to enter your life and find a puppy! While you are involved in the process of self-excavation, here are some suggestions to help your energy get all fired up:  

• Have a good fight! Perhaps you are swallowing too much, suppressing your needs for the sake of others, being far too accommodating. Conflict is not a win or lose situation. Conflict opens the door to change.
• Don’t be an unrealistic optimist! Perhaps you have expected too much and so your disappointment is all the greater. Aim for small successes. Each mini- success will fuel your enthusiasm and drive you to achieve more. Small steps, giant gains.
• Build-up your self-concept. Maybe you have been talking yourself down internally or internalizing only the critical comments about your endeavors. Most of us tend to focus on what we don’t have; in other words, we think about that single negative remark over and over again, forgetting about all the compliments we receive. Every day list all the compliments people give you. Soon you will have a more accurate self-concept.
• Are you fighting too much? I know I told you to have a good fight, but are you expending too much energy proving that you are always right? Try to win by losing – apologize when you are wrong and win. People who are always right are scary.
• Tighten your mind and stop wasting your energy. Relax during the in-between stages, loosen your muscles, and use your strength of focus when you need it.
• Don’t let others steal your time. Get a big do not disturb sign and put your phone machine on. Spend your time wisely instead of wasting it.
• Be less involved in the product, the outcome, and more involved in the process.
  Whatever you do, experience the present – don’t dilute it!

While life is ambiguous and there are so many things out of your control, make it a priority to manage the small stressors because they accumulate and make you feel irritable, sad and depleted. Stress will always land on your doorstep, but you don’t have to constantly open the door. Harness you power!
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Debbie Mandel, MA is the author of Addicted to Stress: A Woman's 7 Step Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in Life and a stress management specialist. She is the host of the weekly Turn On Your Inner Light Show on WGBB AM1240 in NY and has been featured on radio/ TV and print media. To learn more visit her site.

Interview with Terrie Williams

I’m delighted to share an interview with Terrie Williams, a former social worker who reinvented herself into a top PR person, and is now helping many people to heal their lives in many ways. Terrie Williams began her career as a social worker. When she saw an article about public relations, she says it lit a fire in her. She launched The Terrie Williams Agency into one of the most successful PR firms in the country. Still wanting to help change people’s lives, Terrie began the Stay Strong Foundation and also wrote books.

Her latest book, Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We're Not Hurting (Scribner, 2008) has touched many people in its candid look at the effect of racism on black people and her own depression from it. There’s a foreword by Mary J. Blige and testimonials from an impressive assortment of people, including Danny Glover, Sean “Diddy” Combs and Patti LaBelle. I admit it’s a tough read. Terrie speaks the truth! But as the saying goes, the truth can set you free.

When I taught school, kids expressed the pain they felt from comments and treatment that they’d experienced, because of their race. As a white person, it’s hard to imagine what it’s like to have so many stereotypes about people who share the color of your skin used against you. This book is eye opening. EVERYONE, no matter what your color or experience, should read this book to understand the often underlying or subtle racism that still exists. It can help foster more consideration and compassion toward people of color. Here’s what Terrie had to say:

There is nothing wrong with that. Character changes however, produce both exponential increase and it is long lasting. Klemmer & Associates can create a bigger change in the bottom line in a shorter period of time in any company with character changes in honesty, trust, contribution, boldness, responsibility, honor, than anyone can with any skill set.Plus you can teach a skill set and people still won’t necessarily do it!My first book was titled, “If How To’s were enough we would all be skinny rich and happy”.People know how to lose weight, save money, be honest or respect others. It is character issues that prevent them from doing what they know to do.”

How would you define Black Pain? “The dark emotion and space in all of us. There’s a set of circumstances that affect people of color who experience pain and depression. It’s a learned silence from the days of slavery. You’d be beaten, tortured, raped, sold from your loved ones, but you had to act like you weren’t hurting. I think that’s been passed on for generations.”

Why does it lead to depression? “Because we’re not meant to hold our stuff in—the childhood wounds, scars, trauma and day to day slights we experience. We’re not meant to hold in anger, disappointment and rage. When these things are not dealt with, it causes depression.”

Why do you think the pain and depression in the Black community is different from other groups? “We were raised that you can’t speak about it or there will be repercussions. It’s also perceived as a sign of weakness or being crazy. We’re a very faith based people so we think to do anything other than to pray to God is a betrayal.”

What inspired you to write your book? “I went through the fire and came out on the other side. I heard the voice of God saying that I had to share my story. I used to wonder about people who’d say that God told them to do something, but I clearly heard a voice one day that said I had to share my story. It’s been an amazing blessing, liberating, and helped me understand what I’m here on this earth to do. Every experience in my life brought me to exactly this point. I am a social worker and one who manages depression so I know what that feels like and am more compassionate. I know how to market and promote a message and I had access to the media and celebrities. So I tied it all together to make an in your face, up close and personal message for people to understand that they’re not alone.”

What would you tell someone who doesn’t understand how someone with your success could be depressed? “Pain is a human condition. It has nothing to do with what I have. We come into this world shaped by the pain we have inherited from our parents, no matter how loving they are. We inherit their gifts and talents too. It gets passed on from generation to generation.”

When was your toughest time? “Four years ago I had a breakdown. It was 9 months of hell. But when you come out of it on the other side and you’re still standing, you’ve got to share. I’m still very much a work in progress.”

How did you keep your pain hidden from everyone? “I lied. That’s what we do. Three of the hardest words in the English language to answer honestly are, “How are you?” when you’re the one other people look to.”

Why is it so important to share your message with children? “I think we set our kids up to fail when we don’t’ tell them how we’re really doing. They learn that the way to move through life is to lie and wear a mask. They’re smart and don’t miss anything. So when we lie and say we’re fine but we’re not, they know differently. We ought to share our frailty, our flaws, our challenges with them, and let them know how we pick ourselves up by sharing the tools we use to steady ourselves when we go though the fire. I tell kids the hell I went through when I had my breakdown because they can see. Then, they start to open up in amazing ways because they’re unaccustomed to adults speaking the truth to them.”

How do you look at fear? “Whenever you have those butterflies it means that you’re about to challenge yourself and take your game to the next level. I try to remember that there are people who go through a whole lifetime and they don’t have butterflies in their stomach. it means they’re going through life being pathetic or flat-lining. I know the butterflies mean I’m where I’m supposed to be.”

What do you want white people and other races to understand about Black Pain? “Be aware. When I flag a cab, especially at night, if I have a hat on I take it off because I have short hair. I have long earrings on so I cannot be mistaken for a brother. I try to have NY Times in my hand and flag the cab so the driver will see that there’s one with a NY Times, so maybe she’s okay. I start smiling literally when I get a glimpse of an available cab, so they will see there’s a friendly one. I do that whenever I take a cab.”

“When black men walk too close to a white woman or get on the elevator, nine times out of ten she’s gonna clutch her bag closer to her arm or in some way convey fear. So it’s not easy to be a person of color on the planet. If you’re a big, tall black man and have a deep voice, you start to speak softer and smile extra, so you’re not so intimidating. You stand differently. A dark skinned black man tends to be more intimidating to others. So they smile extra to be perceived as nicer, better, like saying, “I’m not gonna hurt you.” All of those things, just because they become second nature to you, doesn’t mean they roll off your back.””

What makes you grateful? “I’m gratified to get letters from people telling me that they’re relieved to see they’re not alone. More people have to read my book to get to know who we are and why we kill each other every day in the streets. Black people understand for the first time why they do what they do. I’ve heard from people in prisons who say, ‘I finally understand why I’m here. Now I know I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember.’ I thank God every day to have been able to do that. It’s not an easy book to read. The tears flow.”
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Check out Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We're Not Hurting. It was just released in paperback.

I’m delighted to have Tina Tessina once again to share advice about having healthy relationships. She’s a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has written lots of great books, including Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage.

What Is Love?
By Tina Tessina, Ph.D.

Probably the most prevalent question I’m asked in my counseling practice is “Where is love?” Clients want to know why they can’t find a successful life partnership, why a friend or family member won’t respond as they would like, even why they don’t love themselves. In a perfect world, love wouldn’t be something we have to learn—if you believe in a loving cosmos, then we were all conceived in Love, and it’s Love that created us. But, we live in a human world, and we’re all imperfect beings, falling short time and time again in our attempts to love one another and even to love ourselves.

So, we have to learn to love, and even learn to be loved. The more we can learn to think of ourselves surrounded by Love, living in Love, breathing Love in and out, the more we begin to feel it, and the more we attract it. As we understand this, we begin to meld our imperfect, human world with the larger, more expansive world of Love, and things begin to happen that we cannot anticipate. Expecting a miracle, as long as we really strive to understand what miraculous means, will actually make it happen. It's not really magic, unless you believe as I do, that the mind is a miracle in itself.

Think of it this way: every opportunity we have to be loving is a course in emotional growth—thinking about love and relationships as a learning experience will make it easier to increase your loving potential.

Most of us are quite practiced in taking courses. If you sign up for an algebra course, for example, you know what you’ll face: 10 (or so) weeks of learning new material and homework assignments consisting of more and more complex problems based on the material learned. You may grumble about the homework load, or complain about the teacher, but you never think you've been given the problems as punishment. Problems are a natural part of the educational process.

Life, too is a classroom with many classes. One of the most rigorous courses is Love 101. It's required, no one escapes it, and the skills learned are useful for an entire lifetime. The syllabus for this class includes love of self, family, and friends. The advanced syllabus includes love of enemies and those who disappoint, hurt or frustrate us. All of the problems presented are to help us stretch and grow emotionally.

Every relationship you have is a learning lesson in love, both of yourself and of the other. By keeping in mind you are a student, and problems are to learn from, you will make life easier, growth faster, and everything will make more sense.

Your homework is to learn about love. This week’s assignment might be some difficulty with a friend or family member. How are you going to solve the problem of loving that friend who’s not treating you well? How are you going to turn an abrasive situation into a smooth path? Or maybe the person who’s not being so nice to you is actually yourself. So, what can you do, when you’re at odds with you, to reconcile and turn the criticism into appreciation and love for self? Sometimes a romantic partner or spouse is the biggest challenge. What if your partner is not listening to you, or resisting your ideas? How can you love that, and make enough room in your heart to hear him or her first, and help the atmosphere change from hostile to loving? And what if your assignment is creating a romance where none exists? How can you do that with love for yourself, and with the positive belief that there’s enough love in this imperfect world that you can have what you want?

Once you’ve been disappointed or hurt, being afraid is natural, and it’s even a healthy response to facing a situation you’ve had trouble with before. Your fears are saying, in effect “I’ve had a bad time with this before—I don’t feel prepared to do it again.” Rather than letting that message frighten you away, learn to love your emotions for wanting to keep you safe, and discover a new, slower, safer path to tread. But don’t give up on the goal. You have learned a lot in your lifetime, and all of us can always learn something more about love.

I wish for you all the love you can imagine, and more.

Give yourself a hug and also hug someone else today.” We all need hugs. Studies show that people who get hugged regularly have better physical and mental health. If you’re alone right now, wrap your arms around your chest for a minute and caress your arms. Keep an eye out for any excuse to hug someone else. I’m known for hugging almost everyone I come into contact with. After my workshops, I hug many people. It feels good and makes the one you hug feel good. That’s a good two-for-one deal!

 
Clean Your Way to an Abundant Year

I’m a former clutter-holic who clung to her stuff for many years. When I moved, it all came with me. I learned about how the Law of Attraction needed me to clean out my things in order to open up my life. Getting rid of stuff attracts more. The week of New Years I had a blog posted about how I clean my apartment from top to bottom before entering a new year. <http://tinyurl.com/6telw2> There’s still time to make room for lots of goodies.

Cleaning is my favorite tool because it’s do-able! Eliminating clutter gives you more room for new stuff. Cleaning is an easy, therapeutic way to improve life. I used to be a terrible clutter-holic. When I didn’t respect myself, I didn’t respect my possessions or living space. Now that I do, I enjoy cleaning and clearing things out. It brings great rewards!

Every December I do a big purge and smaller ones during the year. It feels great after many years of hording. When I first began, there were many things I never noticed and continued allowing them to reside with me. I call them fixtures—the things that we’re so used to seeing that they become part of the landscape. It’s harder to get rid of those, since we’ve accepted their presence and often don’t really see them as disposable. I learned that many things are.

A visiting friend offered to help me clear stuff. I got defensive. I knew best! But I didn’t. He showed me what my habits overlooked. I’ll never forget when he asked why I had dozens and dozens of plastic bags from stores crammed in closets, etc. “To recycle,” I indignantly informed him. I thought I was being good by hoarding them. But I was just creating a possible fire hazard and increasing my clutter. I was a different kind of bag lady!

He gently asked what I’d use them for. I couldn’t answer! So he offered to help me clear them out. I winced as he pulled bag after dusty bag from all the places I stuck them and filled several bags with my bags. It had seemed so rational all those years as I saved them to use “someday” in order to do my part for the environment. But it hurt my living environment. Together, we put bags full of bags in the garbage.

I felt lighter walking back to my apartment, bag free. I still had a bunch to use for garbage. But my closets looked so much nicer without them. Now I bring bags with me to stores in order to save plastic. I learned how clearing unnecessary stuff out can make a big difference in your self-image. Before that, every time I opened the closet and saw the bags I’d wince. Now I felt pride to see a neater view. Cleaning truly is a tonic to your self-esteem.

I purge at intervals to make room for more goodies. Nothing is sacred anymore. I keep plastic bags on the inside and outside doorknobs in each room. One side is for things to be thrown out. The other side is for giveaways. A woman who works in my building lives in a poor neighborhood and finds homes for all the stuff I no longer need. Now I WANT to fill the bags because it feels so good! I look at everything I haven’t used or worn recently and ask myself, “Do I really need this?” Many things can be purged by consciously assessing if they’re necessary to your life. Go though:

* Photos: A few years ago I began looking at the hundreds of photos I’ve collected over many years—in albums and in boxes or drawers. I threw out over half of them! Why keep photos of people who have no meaning to me, or even a good memory? And I only need one of each, instead of the same scene taken 3 times. I love the outdoors and had many photos of pretty scenes that began to look alike. So I kept one or two of the best from each location and chucked the rest.

* Photos you don’t like of YOU: I tossed ALL photos of me that I hated. Do you keep those you won’t show anyone because you don’t like how you look? Why on earth keep those I asked myself? It’s more fun to look through old photos now that there are much fewer and I like them all now. Try it! It’s lovely to take control of your need to save them all, even when many mean nothing. OUCH! you might say at the idea of tossing photos. People have looked at me like I was nuts to suggest chucking pics. But why keep them if you don’t enjoy seeing them all? Make room for new memories!

* ALL your clothing: I’ve become more honest. Last year I finally got rid of the dress I loved in college and hoped to wear again someday. I couldn’t think of why I’d ever wear it. I tried it on once and gave it to someone who’ll appreciate it more, with the shoes I love but have no opportunity to wear. Some were cracked from laying in my closet. Yet I kept them for years, thinking that when the occasion came, I’d have them fixed. Now they’re gone!

* Partially used products you put aside since you don’t care for them or have ones you like better: Throw out the shampoo sample you never use! Toss the almost empty lipstick tube or shaving cream if you haven’t used it in a while. I can have many lotions, shampoos or other products. I try new brands and the old ones sit. Now I try to use up one before opening a newer one. While I use a lot of cosmetics, I’m downsizing the number of bottles. Having more space feels great!

* Old programs, sports memorabilia, and other souvenirs or memories that have grown less meaningful. Ask yourself, “How often do I look at this?” If they just sit and collect dust, are they really worth keeping? My cabinets get emptier as I answer honestly.

* Chachkies: This is all the little decorative things lying around—the rock from a vacation, candles you never light that collect dust, gifts from friends’ vacations that are meaningless to you. These become the fixtures I mentioned earlier—stuff that’s always been on your shelf and feel like part of the furniture. Does each thing have a purpose or bring you joy to look at it? No? Give it to someone less fortunate!

TV or online and gain weight and other negative results. All of that can later be used to fulfill the expectations that victimhood creates in your thoughts. Those thoughts are the real evil doers. Now that I understand the power of how my thoughts can hurt or help me, I quickly say a positive affirmation when a negative comes to mind.

I once read one of Suze Orman’s books about clearing out to make room for more. She advised:

* Find 50 things that are in good shape to give to someone else.
* Find 50 things to throw away.

I’d just done a lot of cleaning and purging. But I challenged myself to do it anyway. Surprisingly it wasn’t that hard. Kind of scared me a little that I was able to find 100 more things to get rid of. It pushed me to new limits and I enjoyed convincing myself to give away the very cute velvet jacket I bought in London 10 years ago but had never found an occasion to wear it.

Glasses, dishes, books, t-shirts, all found new homes. And old lipsticks, socks with holes (that I still loved!), a poster, and many other things took a dive down the garbage chute. 100 less things in my life! Cleaning and purging can instill a tremendous feeling of pride and strong sense of being in control. I love feeling more empowered than ever!

The new year never feels better than when I enter it with a clean and less cluttered living space. Cleaning makes you feel good to have a neat place to live. I highly recommend you join me in this habit. Whenever I feel out of control or concerned about things going on in my life, I clean. It’s a therapeutic way to feel more in control. My mood lightens and things always work out when I’m done. The more you get rid of clutter, the more you make room for new and better things! Yeah!

In each issue I’ll answer a question about how to handle a specific situation. Please send in questions about something that you’d like help with.

My dream job makes me unhappy!
I was so happy to find the perfect job. But the people here are miserable to deal with. My immediate manager treats me like I’m subservient to him. He expects me to jump when he calls my name but never shows appreciation. Yet he screws up the work often, and lets me take the blame when I did my part correctly. I’ve tried speaking up but he just mimics me. How do I deal with this?~~~Jamie B.

My answer: If addressing it in a nice, professional and clear way doesn’t help, it’s time to accept this is a nightmare, not a dream job!

While it’s delightful to get work doing what you love, it’s not worth putting up with other circumstances that you hate. If you dread going in each day, it’s not a dream job. If your self-esteem gets cut down during work hours, it’s not a dream job. If you’re constantly complaining about situations at work, it’s not a dream job. And if your job makes you consistently unhappy, it’s not a dream job. Start looking around for other work opportunities, polish your resume, affirm that you’re determined to find the best job for your highest good, and let the Universe guide you to a job that really does feel like a dream.  

In every issue I’ll include success stories from my readers. Please send in yours. 

I used an affirmation successfully!
I was raised by a negative mother and fell into the same patterns of expecting little to go well. When I read the “I love me” tip in the last issue—to say “Something nice will come into my life today.”—over and over—it sounded good but I didn’t think it would work for me. Yet I tried it just in case and it actually worked. Not at first as I’m sure my skepticism showed too much. But the more I said it, the more it felt good and the more I got into it. One morning I said it on the way to the office. I smiled hearing me say those words. It clicked! Later that day, my boss asked if I’d like to move into a position someone was leaving that I never thought I’d get. After that, I began to affirm with more anticipation and I’m getting a lot more than I used to. A LOT more! ~~~Samantha 

I asked for a raise and got it!
I worked for the same company for several years and got a few small cost of living increases. But I never felt rewarded for the good work I know I do. I assumed I had to wait until it was offered, but it never was. I made al list of the good things I’d done for my company and why I was valuable to them. Then I asked for a meeting with my boss and told him why I felt I deserved a bigger raise. He agreed without arguing. Guess they didn’t feel a need to pay me more if I continued doing good work for less. After that I’ve learned to speak up more and more. ~~~Michael D.
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Well, that’s all for this issue. If you like my articles, please subcribe to my blog, Lessons from a Recovering DoorMat. A BIG thank you to Svetlana Konnikova, Debbie Mandel, Tina Tessina. and Terrie Williams for allowing me to include their input. Please write and to suggest things you’d like me to write about.

Keep your passions strong! 

With love from,

Daylle

http://www.daylle.com

© 2009 Project Self-Empowerment, LLC